


Torchwood: A Musical!

by brionyjae



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, Romance, Torchwood: A Musical!, some may describe this as crack but it's a musical what do you expect?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 04:30:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 40,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12473548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brionyjae/pseuds/brionyjae
Summary: Ever wonder what Torchwood would be like if you injected some Andrew Lloyd Webber (and others!) musical goodness into it? I did! Follow our quintessential hero, Ianto Jones, and the equally lovable Jack Harkness as they stumble their way through obstacles to fall in love. While doing a lot of singing. Basically: fluff, with musical numbers!Mostly canon compliant, with a bit of "creative license" - plot drawn from TW S1, S2E1 and a tiny bit of DW S3.Originally posted on FFnet.





	1. Act I, Scene One

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, friends! As I mentioned, I originally posted this on FFnet six years ago - except, I never actually wrote the last scene/finale... until now. Because I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON, and life happened, and my muse ran off. Why have I finally got around to writing it? You can thank Mr John Barrowman himself. He visited Auckland, New Zealand this weekend (my home country!) for Armageddon, and I had this crazy urge to give him a copy, purely for his entertainment. Which meant I had to finish it. And here we are!
> 
>  **Important Info before you start reading:**  
>  As I have little musical talent, I've taken pre-existing tunes from famous musicals, and written my own lyrics to them for this story. I'll list each song at the start of the chapter, so you can listen along as you read. HIGHLY RECOMMEND DOING THAT, it makes it ten times more fun :D especially if you sing along too...
> 
> To make this easier, I've created [a YouTube playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLagDVCsFcEpIY_3WGgqm5j-J9ZenVW5WK) with the versions I used to write this musical! :)

1. ****Day In The Life Of Torchwood:** **_Jellicle Songs For Jellicle Cats ( Cats)_

 

**ACT I**

 

 **SCENE ONE:**  
_  
__[An empty street at dawn. Orange street lamps provide some light against the blue/gray smudge of the sky. All is silent. After a few moments, four people slowly creep on stage, one after the other, from the left wing. They enter in this order: JACK, GWEN, TOSH, OWEN. JACK wears a military great coat. GWEN wears a leather jacket and jeans with heeled boots. TOSH is dressed similarly. OWEN also wears a leather jacket, but with baggy jeans and converse sneakers. All hold guns, ready and alert. JACK stops and holds a finger to his lips, listening intently. We hear a growl in the distance, then the sound of the wind, then nothing.]_

 **JACK:** Tosh, update on the location of the Blowfish?  
  
_(TOSH is clutching a PDA tracking device – it is beeping and flashing. She studies it.)_

 **TOSH:** It looks like it changed directions – it's headed towards – no... wait... it took a left turn down an alley up ahead.

 **JACK:** This way!  
_  
(JACK runs off stage to the right, the others giving each other exasperated looks before following. We hear the sound of running footsteps, panting, someone knocking over a trashcan, before they all return on stage from the right.)_

 **OWEN:** God, I wish these things were as stupid as bloody Weevils... I could still be in bed right now.

 **GWEN:** At least this way you were provided with a perfect excuse to kick out whichever girl you ended up with last night...

 **OWEN:** Oi, what I do in private has nothing to do with you! But. Yeah, it was rather satisfying to know that although I had to get up at this unearthly hour, at least I could cause someone else a similar hell.

 **JACK:** Hey! Be quiet, both of you. No reason to wake the whole neighbourhood – unless you want to be on Retcon duty?  
_  
(OWEN and GWEN roll their eyes at each other, but fall silent.)_

 **TOSH:** Picking up readings! It is here... it's right in this street... but I can't see it.  
  
_(TOSH sighs, frustrated.)_  
  
Where has it gone?

['Day In The Life Of Torchwood']  
_  
(While song is ongoing, ALL continue looking for the BLOWFISH, with some near finds but to no avail.)_

 **TOSH: [sings]  
** Running 'round in the dark, waking up before dawn

 **OWEN: [sings]**  
Eternally tracking all that the Rift sends us

 **GWEN: [sings]  
** It's not pretty work – our clothes even get torn

 **JACK: [sings]**  
Well, what's wrong with that? Can't you see it's a plus?  
_  
(winks)_

 **ALL: [sings]**  
Because that's who we are, and that's what we do  
It's our job to protect all of you  
Oh yes we protect you all through and through  
That is just who we are, what we do!

 **TOSH: [sings]  
** The big question is Why? I'm not sure that I know

 **OWEN:** **[sings]  
** Chasing aliens 'round Cardiff? How could it not be _fun_?!

 **GWEN: [sings]  
** And when we can't find them? Oh, we search high and low

 **JACK: [sings]**  
But if they find you first, you must be ready to run!  
_  
(JACK takes off at a run suddenly away from the others, who quickly follow him. The BLOWFISH has appeared; he wears a maroon suit with an orange tie, and has red skin with fish-like features. ALL in pursuit of the BLOWFISH who is doing his best to escape.)_

 **ALL: [sings]**  
Because that's who we are, and that's what we do  
Most of you don't even have a clue  
Don't even know that you need a rescue  
If you did, you would think it's untrue  
That is just who we are, what we do!

 **TOSH: [sings]  
** We neglect our families, have no time for friends

 **OWEN: [sings]  
** We can't have no sick days, we lose out on sleep

 **GWEN: [sings]  
** Our relationships suffer, we don't speak of 'weekends'

 **JACK: [sings]  
** With the demands of this job – we are in this thing deep!

 **ALL: [sings]**  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
_  
(ALL have been weaving on and off stage, as has the BLOWFISH. Now, ALL appear back on stage to stand together, panting from exertion – the BLOWFISH has disappeared. They take a breather.)_

 **TOSH: [sings]  
** All this may sound unreal, I ensure you it's true

 **OWEN: [sings]  
** We would prove it to you, oh if only we could

 **GWEN: [sings]  
** Would you really believe us? I've met only a few

 **JACK: [sings]**  
Want to know who we are? It is simply: Torchwood!  
_  
(TOSH thrusts her PDA into the air and sets off at a run – she is tracking the BLOWFISH once more. The others follow her. They once again weave on and off stage.)_

 **ALL: [sings]**  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
It's our job to protect all of you  
Oh yes we protect you all through and through  
That is just who we are, what we do!  
  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
_  
(ALL stop running and move into a line as each introduces themselves.)_

 **TOSH: [sings]**  
I'm a technological genius, you can call me Tosh  
_  
(taps her PDA)_

 **OWEN: [sings]**  
The name's Owen and don't forget, I'm a doctor  
_  
(hand on heart, smug nod)_

 **GWEN: [sings]**  
I go by Gwen – Ex-PC Cooper's too posh  
_  
(waves a hand dismissively)_

 **JACK: [sings]**  
Call me Captain Jack Harkness, and I am their leader!  
  
_(strikes an impressive pose)_

 **ALL: [sings]**  
Torchwood Cardiff! We deal with the Rift  
We even have an invisible lift!  
Running through all of space and time  
We capture aliens, it isn't a crime!  
  
The things we do and things we see  
We really don't know where we'd be  
But without Torchwood, what is there?  
Where would we be? Don't know, don't care!  
  
Family, Fearless, Faithful and True  
To each other who do what  
  
_(The BLOWFISH runs onstage right in front of them, and the struggle begins. ALL have surrounded it – it tries to escape.)_  
  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
Most of you don't even have a clue  
Don't even know that you need a rescue  
If you did, you would think it's untrue  
That is just who we are, what we do!  
  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
  
_(The BLOWFISH still trying to escape. With each alien and alien technology mentioned, the BLOWFISH is trying to get past one of them, but they don't let him past.)_  
  
Laser Saw, Weevils; Telepathic Pendant  
Invisible Lift; Blowfish, Mayfly  
Singularity Scalpel; Nostrovite Shape-shifter  
Abaddon, Retcon; Sleeper Agent, Mind Probe  
Rift Activity; Vortex Manipulator  
Hoix, Arkan, Hitchhiker; Ghost Machine, Dogon Eye  
Life Knife, Risen Mitten; or Resurrection Gauntlet  
Pterydacton; Temporal Displacement  
Severed Hand, Silver Flask; Hyperspectral Scanner  
Sub-Etheric Resonator; Stun Gun, Mara Fairies  
Night Travellers, Pheromones; Rift Manipulator!  
  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
It's our job to protect all of you  
Oh yes we protect you all through and through  
That is just who we are, what we do!  
  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do!  
  
_(ALL arrive at a position where JACK has a hold of the BLOWFISH by the collar of his suit, with his gun digging into the BLOWFISH's chest. The others are spread out onstage with their guns pointing at the BLOWFISH.)_

 **JACK** : Now that you've got us all hot and bothered, it's only fair that you stop struggling. Besides – bondage isn't all bad. Owen? The cuffs.

 **OWEN** : My pleasure, Captain.  
  
_(OWEN takes some handcuffs out of his jacket pocket and clips them around the BLOWFISH'S hands.)_  
  
Hyper-steel, they are, impermeable.

 **BLOWFISH** : You can't lock me up! I haven't done anything!

 **JACK** : 12 burglaries, joy-riding a sports car, 7 cases of consuming food without paying for it – it's like an addiction with your species, isn't it!

 **BLOWFISH** : I'll make it up, I promise!

 **JACK** : Awww, promises, promises. It's too late for that, my friend!

 **BLOWFISH** : It's just a bit of fun!

 **JACK** : Oh yeah? Well let's see how fun you find our long-term storage vaults. Owen, sedate him.  
  
_(OWEN plunges a small tube into the BLOWFISH's neck, and the BLOWFISH sags and collapses against JACK AND OWEN.)_  
  
C'mon!  
  
_(JACK and OWEN both haul the BLOWFISH across the stage, TOSH and GWEN following, and they all leave the stage.)_


	2. Act I, Scene Two

2\. **Better Butler:** _Sorting Hat Song ( Harry Potter)_ (...I regret nothing. Please imagine an upbeat melody!)

3\. **Jones, Ianto Jones:** _I Know Him So Well ( Chess)_ (I used John Barrowman's solo version!)

 

 **SCENE TWO:**  
  
_[A big, spacious underground headquarters. This is the Torchwood Hub. To one side (right), there is the bottom of the Invisible Lift, with a small pool of water around it like a moat. In the middle, there is a spirally contraption which is the Rift Machine. To the other side (left) there is a cogwheel door, with a siren (which is silent right now) on top. Scattered around are a few desks with monitors flashing. There is also an autopsy room off to one side, the domain of OWEN. There is a spiral staircase which leads to an upper level. Here, we find JACK's office to the right, and the board-meeting room to the left. We hear a scuffle, and then the siren on the cogwheel door goes off – and the team enter the Hub.)_

 **JACK:** Owen, make sure you get that fish down to the vaults before he wakes up – that species has a frankly unfair high tolerance for drugs. Gwen, tell the police that we've dealt with it, and make sure any witnesses are taken care of. Tosh, make records of the Rift Activity, and can you write up a report for it?  
_  
(They all set to following JACK's orders, looking professional, important – and at home. JACK sweeps past them and starts to make his way up the spiral staircase, but stops a few steps up.)  
_  
Ianto!  
_  
(Silence. JACK taps his comms-link earpiece.)  
_  
Ianto, you there?  
_  
(More silence. JACK leans against the staircase railing.)  
_  
Ianto... I need to hear those beautiful Welsh vowels.  
  
_(A slight crackling sound can be heard, before a voice speaks, through JACK's comms-link.)_

 **IANTO:** Sir? Sorry, I was in the middle of filing last week's Weevil's reports, left my earpiece on my desk. Was there something you wanted?

 **JACK:** Oh, there are many things I want, Ianto... but right now? Would you work some coffee magic?  
_  
(Another crackle of static before a reply.)_

 **IANTO:** I'll be right up.  
_  
(JACK nods satisfactorily to himself and makes the rest of the way up the staircase and settles down at his desk – not working, but just sitting with his hands crossed behind his head, looking thoughtful. The Hub is silent. OWEN emerges from offstage and heads to his autopsy room. Then, after a few more moments, IANTO appears from offstage. He wears an immaculate three piece suit and tie, looking the picture of professionalism.)_

 **OWEN:** Oi, Teaboy! Have you fed the Weevils down in the vaults yet? They're bloody restless!

 **GWEN:** Hey, Ianto, do we have the species 'Blowfish' added into the Species Database yet?

 **TOSH:** I'll email you this report for the Archives as soon as I'm done, okay Ianto?  
_  
(IANTO nods in acknowledgement of all of these requests, but continues walking over to a small kitchenette near the front of the stage.)_

 **ALL (except JACK):** Oh, and we could murder a cup of coffee!!

['Better Butler']  
_  
(IANTO starts up coffee machine, gathers mugs, etc, looking altogether skilful and graceful.)_

 **IANTO: [sings]**  
Oh, you may merely think I'm pretty  
But don't judge on just the suit  
I'll switch to decaf if you can find  
A better butler to recruit!  
  
You can keep your espressos black  
Your lattes skim and tall  
For I am King of Coffee  
And I can froth them all!  
  
There's nothing hidden in the Archives  
That I cannot find  
And somehow I know everything  
Although it blows your mind!

['Jones, Ianto Jones']  
_  
(Previous verses have been upbeat, but now music slows, and IANTO pours coffee into four mugs, puts them on a tray to carry them on.)_

 **IANTO: [sings]**  
I'm Jones, Ianto Jones, and I am all of this  
Serving Torchwood, keeping them in line  
But working here, day after day, it gets  
So much, oh far too much, for this heart of mine  
  
Before my days at Torchwood, I was a drifter  
Temporary jobs and one night stands  
Sometimes it feels like it was all a dream  
Slipping through like sand between my hands  
  
Wouldn't it be...?  
Couldn't it be...?  
How I would love to  
Live meaningfully  
  
But in the end it seems  
A little bit more than me  
More than I could be  
  
I could do so well! _  
  
(IANTO begins distributing coffee, starting with TOSH, then GWEN, then OWEN, moving around the Hub in a logical order. ALL do not acknowledge him with more than a nod or small dismissive smile.)  
  
_ No one in your life can see you purely  
No one even fully dares to try  
And though I do my best to make them see  
They still take me for granted, don't know why _  
  
(IANTO has only JACK's coffee left to deliver – he starts walking up the spiral staircase.)_  
  
Looking back, I could have done things differently  
Stopped hiding my skills and set them free  
But I was ever so much younger then  
Now at least, I know I could do well  
_  
(IANTO stops halfway up the spiral staircase, gazing hopefully over the Hub.)_  
  
Wouldn't I be...?  
Couldn't I be...?  
How I would love to  
Be fully free  
  
Can't they all see  
How it could be  
If they gave me a glance  
Why, why won't they give me a chance?  
  
Why don't they see?  
_  
(IANTO starts up the staircase again, and arrives outside JACK's door.)_  
  
But in the end it seems  
A little bit more than me  
More than I could be  
  
I could do so well!  
  
_(Music fades away. After a few moments, IANTO knocks on JACK's office door.)_

 **JACK:** Yeah?

 **IANTO:** Your coffee, sir.

 **JACK:** Ah! Of course, come in.  
  
_(IANTO enters JACK's office, and places the coffee mug on the desk, takes a step back with his hands resting respectfully at his sides. JACK takes a sip of the coffee and makes an appreciative moan.)_  
  
Now I remember why I hired you, Jones!

 **IANTO:** Yes, sir.

 **JACK:** Well. That – and you look good in a suit.

 **IANTO:** _(with a hint of playfulness in his tone.)  
_ Careful! That's harassment, sir.

 **JACK:** Maybe you should let the boss know how you feel about that.  
_  
(JACK winks suggestively, settling back into a relaxed position in his chair, cradling the coffee mug in his hands. IANTO blushes, clears his throat ever so quietly, and neatly folds his hands behind his back.)_

 **IANTO:** Was there anything else you needed, sir?  
_  
(IANTO's tone is carefully neutral. JACK contemplates IANTO for a few moments. Takes another sip of coffee. Lets out a long breath and puts his mug back on the desk.)_

 **JACK:** No. You can go and tidy up the Blowfish's file, no doubt Tosh will have written that report by now, and make sure we update the Species Database. And then – you can attend to your usual duties, rift permitting.

 **IANTO:** Yes, sir.  
_  
(IANTO gives a short nod and moves towards the door, and leaves. JACK watches IANTO as he leaves, but then blinks and sits up straighter, and gets to work. IANTO walks down the staircase, pausing at the bottom. Music picks back up for final lines.)  
  
_**[sings]**  
Wouldn't it be...?  
Couldn't it be...?  
How I would love to  
Live meaningfully  
  
But in the end it seems  
A little bit more than me  
More than I could be  
  
I could do so well!  
  
It will take time to understand me  
But I could do so well!  
  
_(With that, IANTO walks off stage.)_


	3. Act I, Scene Three

4\. **The Cybernetic Touch:** _The Phantom Of The Opera ( The Phantom Of The Opera)_ _  
_

5\. **Better Butler (Reprise):** _Sorting Hat Song ( Harry Potter)_

 

**SCENE THREE:**  
  
_[We find ourselves in the basement of the lower levels of the Torchwood Hub. There is a dim light hanging on one side of the stage, not bright enough to give light what is on the rest of the stage, except to indicate that there is a door separating the stage into two. IANTO appears on stage, underneath the light. He is moving slowly and quietly, and he looks behind him when he reaches the door to the rest of the stage. IANTO takes a deep breath, takes a single key from his jacket pocket, and opens the door.]_

**IANTO:** Are you awake?  
_  
(A voice yet unknown to the audience replies.)_

**LISA:** Ianto? Is that you?  
_  
(The voice is wheezy, mechanical in sound – and female. IANTO switches on the lights to the room – and we are met with the sight of LISA. LISA is lying on a metal operating table, which is the remnants of a Cyber-conversion unit. LISA is a partly converted Cyberwoman – she wears a metal kind of suit which shows sections of bare flesh also.)_

**IANTO:** Lisa. Yes, it's just me.  
  
_(A smile lights up IANTO's face, and he shuts the door behind him. He strides up to Lisa and presses a kiss to her lips.)_  
  
How are you feeling today? How's the pain? Are the new doses working?

**LISA:** A little.  
_  
(LISA grimaces, and IANTO plays around with the drip that is attached to her – it is morphine. LISA groans as more of the drug fills her veins, and closes her eyes.)_

**IANTO:** I'm sorry, sweetheart. It's okay, you'll feel better in a minute.  
_  
(IANTO strokes her cheek, and LISA opens her eyes again.)_

**LISA:** Thank you.

**IANTO:** Anyway. I thought I'd just come and check to see how you're doing. The others are at lunch at the moment, won't notice I'm gone.

**LISA:** I don't want you getting into trouble.

**IANTO:** Don't you worry about it. You should be resting, not worrying.  
_  
(IANTO kisses her lightly again, and sets about checking the machine work. LISA takes a deep breath – she can only breathe through the machine, and so it sounds wheezy and metallic. LISA talks to herself as IANTO busies himself.)_

**LISA:** Resting. That's all I ever do. All day long. But at least my time isn't wasted – after all, you can get quite a lot of thinking done while resting.

**IANTO:** _(not having heard LISA's words)  
_ Right. It all seems to be okay still – I just have to run and get you some more morphine – you're running a bit low.  
_  
(IANTO smiles and stands up to look at LISA.)  
_  
I won't be long. I do want to spend some time with you, after all.  
  
_(IANTO leaves the stage through the door. LISA listens to make sure IANTO is gone, before suddenly she sits up on the operating table. The lights turn blue and red, and an ominous, mechanical marching beat starts up.)_

['The Cybernetic Touch']

**LISA: [sings]**  
I feel the fight in me  
I feel the call  
It's stronger now, you see  
Soon I will fall  
  
And if I battle it  
I quickly see  
I can't resist the Cybernetic touch  
It's taken me  
_  
(LISA stands, with robotic movement, and begins a choreographed march dance – she circles the operating table, caressing different parts of the equipment with a certain admiration.)_  
  
The human within me  
Barely awake  
And yet, enough remains  
For me to fake  
  
I can't let Ianto know  
That Lisa's gone  
She can't resist the Cybernetic touch  
She's just a pawn  
  
Love is but strange to us  
Us cybermen  
All emotion removed  
We're cleaner then  
  
But I am not yet pure  
Still human here!  
  
_(LISA points out the exposed flesh of her humanity)_  
  
I can't resist the Cybernetic touch  
I will adhere

**BACKGROUND VOICES: [sings]**  
Is that the Cybernetic touch?  
Beware the Cybernetic touch!  
_  
(At this point, IANTO returns onstage clutching the morphine he has brought. IANTO opens the door to see LISA up and about. LISA does not notice IANTO. IANTO does not know what to do – he is stricken with indecision, not believing what he is seeing.)_

**LISA: [sings]**  
Inside this metal frame  
This armoured case  
This love for Ianto Jones  
Still shows its face  
  
And while I'm in this state  
I can't be free  
I can't resist the Cybernetic touch  
Inside of me!  
_  
(IANTO now advances into the room – having heard only these lyrics, which do not clearly betray the evil Cyber-side of LISA. He deposits the morphine onto the table and takes LISA's hand.)_

**IANTO:** **[sings]  
** Rest, my angel!

**LISA: [sings]**  
It's there, the cybernetic touch!  
_  
(LISA is swaying, feeling suddenly overcome by the Cybernetics – an internal fight is going on. IANTO steadies her and tries to lead her back to the operating table. LISA is still singing, high sounds which could be pain, or a metallic kind of screeching.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
Rest... rest...  
Rest, for me!  
Rest, my angel...  
Rest, for me!  
_  
(LISA sings one last note, the highest, and collapses back into the operating table, eyes shut.)_

**IANTO:** More morphine... right, okay...  
_  
(IANTO's hands are shaking, and he is speaking to himself as LISA is out cold.)  
_  
It's just a... just a reaction to the medication. You... you didn't mean to –  
_  
(His hands slip and he drops a measuring beaker – it is made of glass and so it shatters over the floor. Running his fingers through his hair, IANTO attempts to compose himself and goes to get a brush and shovel, and neatly tidies away all the glass. He finishes adjusting the morphine drip, and takes a step back.)  
_  
There.  
  
_(A sigh.)_  
  
One day soon it will all be fixed, just you see. It'll all be back to normal.

['Better Butler: Reprise']

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I have a plan, a perfect plan  
Where all will be set right  
A plan to lure them from the Hub  
Perhaps even tonight!  
  
For when the Hub is empty  
I will quickly seize my chance  
Take Lisa to the autopsy room  
Only then can we advance  
  
Adjust her and unhook her  
So that she can walk alone  
Somehow, reverse the process  
So I have Lisa for my own!  
  
And after that, what need is there  
For me to remain  
Together – yes, together!  
Lisa and I can start again!  
  
_(IANTO turns off the light in the room, shuts the door behind him, and leaves the stage.)_


	4. Act I, Scene Four

6\. **51st Century Pheromones:** _Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat ( Cats)_

 

**SCENE FOUR:**  
  
_[Back in the main Hub. It's now later on in the day, and everyone is hard at work. There have not been any more Rift alerts since the early call-out this morning. JACK sits in his office. He rifles through some papers on his desk, looking extremely bored. He picks up the papers, dumps them to one side, messes them around a bit, before throwing down his pen with a sigh. JACK leans back in his chair, seeming to have given up on even the pretence of work. IANTO appears in the Hub from offstage, and looks around at everyone working. He climbs the spiral staircase to JACK's office, and knocks. JACK jumps guiltily.]_

**JACK:** Yeah? Who is it?  
  
_(JACK hurriedly grabs a handful of papers and pulls them towards him, picks up his pen, to make himself look like he's working, just as IANTO enters the office. JACK makes a show of finishing a scribble and then looking up.)_  
  
Ianto. What can I do for you?

**IANTO:** I... was just wondering if you would like a coffee top-up. After all, it was a rather earlier morning start than usual.

**JACK:** Oh, you are brilliant! ...what _would_ I do without you, Ianto Jones?  
  
_(JACK has his charming smile turned on. IANTO gives him a small, almost nervous smile back, nods respectfully, and leaves the room. JACK's eyes follow him, and as soon as IANTO is gone, JACK throws his pen down again. He mumbles to himself.)_  
  
Huh. Even the infamous, dazzling, Harkness smile isn't doing its usual work...

['51st Century Pheromones']

**JACK: [sings]**  
51 st Century Pheromones!  
The Pheromones of my time!  
  
My story's rather long  
And I don't mean to prolong  
But I think it best if we start from the start  
Back in 5094  
In the future, to be sure  
From that year, from my past, did I depart  
_  
(JACK pushes himself up from his chair and starts pacing around his office.)  
  
_ Travelled through space and through time  
Doing deals – I'd call it crime  
Until I bumped into the most amazing man  
The Doctor, he was called  
From the first, I was enthralled  
And to follow him and Rose became my plan  
  
Yet, then something went awry  
I was certain I would die  
But somehow, I died and was brought back to life  
Ever since then I just can't –  
Forever doomed to be extant –  
I just can't die, no matter what my strife!  
_  
(JACK flings the door to his office open and heads out onto the balcony which overlooks the Hub. The others are oblivious to his song, obviously.)  
  
_ My team can't see who I used to be  
I think it's best that way  
So they only know what I choose to show  
The charming man – my forte!  
  
51st Century Pheromones!  
The Pheromones of my time!  
  
The man who I am now  
Some may even raise a 'brow  
But I've left my dirty deals in the past  
For now I search for meaning  
Though I do a lot of preening  
I still hope to find my purpose at last  
  
Building Torchwood was my goal  
So that we could play a role  
In keeping Cardiff secure  
Monitor the rift  
Make sure it doesn't drift  
Oh yes – it makes me sound very mature!  
  
_(In the following verse, when JACK is singing about a certain member of the team, he indicates somehow – by looking at them, or pointing – who he is talking about.)  
  
_ In honesty, I've been here  
A hundred years or more, or near  
And often been tempted to leave  
But the current team I've got  
Apart from being _hot!  
_ They're the best I've ever had, I believe!  
  
Tosh has got her eyes on Owen and she tries  
To subtly make him aware  
But Owen's a male and therefore fails  
So all Tosh can do is despair  
  
Gwen's another matter  
Each day she proceeds to flatter  
By seeing me in a heroic light  
I admit, I may enjoy it  
But I never would permit  
She has a fiancé that I wouldn't want to fight!  
  
_(At this point, IANTO begins delivering the next round of coffee to everyone. JACK's gaze is fixed upon him and he walks around the Hub.)  
  
_ Only one remains  
And it is he who pertains  
To many of my wandering daydreams  
From his accent to his suit  
His coffee – he's simply cute!  
And entirely uninterested, it seems...  
  
Whenever I begin to flirt  
And I am rather an expert  
Emit my Pheromones and flash my charm  
Sometimes he'll respond  
And I'll feel we have a bond  
Then he suddenly he'll step back in alarm  
  
Oh, Ianto Jones, he's a mystery  
Between us, there's affinity  
And I don't think that I can ignore  
I have to say that I truly adore  
A Captain's not meant to feel this way  
That boy has lead me astray!  
  
51st Century Pheromones!  
The Pheromones of my time!  
  
And so all that I can do  
Wait for him to give a cue  
Though it's not my style to sit back  
If he never makes a move  
Then I think that it would prove  
I'm not meant to go down that track  
  
And besides – I shouldn't start  
Something that involves my heart  
As any day I might have to go  
The Doctor might return  
I have much from him to learn  
To leave would be my only choice, you know!  
  
For now, I will be content  
Just hearing his Welsh accent  
Telling me just where those files are  
I'll allow my eyes to linger  
On his butt – I mean, his fingers!  
I'll be innocently watching from afar!  
  
_(Now, IANTO had delivered coffee to the other members, and starts ascending the spiral staircase to JACK's office. JACK watches him, unthinking, but suddenly realises where he is, and sprints back to his office. He barely sits down and picks up his pen when IANTO knocks and enters.)_

**IANTO:** Here you go, sir. It's your special industrial strength blend – thought it would be appropriate, given the circumstances.  
_  
(IANTO holds out the mug to JACK, who closes his hands over IANTO's, and doesn't let IANTO go immediately. IANTO blushes and inadvertently looks away, and withdraws his hands. JACK stares boldly at IANTO, and places his coffee on his desk.)_

**JACK:** Strong and hot – just the way I like it.  
  
_(IANTO speaks quietly.)_

**IANTO:** So I've heard.  
  
_(They both look at each other for a moment, neither moving, before IANTO turns around and heads for the door.)_  
  
Well, those files won't put themselves away. I'll let you know when I order lunch – I was thinking pizza today?

**JACK:** Sounds perfect.

**IANTO:** Right. Well then. Erm.  
_  
(IANTO leaves at a fast pace, down the stairs, and disappears from the stage. JACK sighs and rests his head in his hands.)_

**JACK: [sings]**  
And the worst thing is, if we fall in love  
I will have to say goodbye  
His life will end, mine will only extend  
Forever wondering why...  
  
_(JACK takes a sip of his coffee, and with a sad but soft smile on his face, actually makes a start on the paperwork on his desk.)_


	5. Act I, Scene Five

**SCENE FIVE:**  
  
_[It is nearing the end of the day. The Rift has been quiet, and so the team have been stuck inside all day – something which they are not used to. Understandably, they need to release their energy somehow, and so have started up a game of make-shift basketball. JACK and TOSH play OWEN and GWEN two-on-two. They are making a lot of noise, and we even hear the squawks of their pet pterodacton, MYFANWY. IANTO enters onstage into the Hub with a pile of files in his arms. He is walking past them when OWEN throws the ball to GWEN, who misses it, and it knocks all of the files out of IANTO's hands, making them fly everywhere.]_

**OWEN:** Uhh, sorry mate. Gwen, look what you've gone and done now!

**GWEN:** Owen!  
  
_(GWEN glares at him.)_  
  
Um, Ianto, I'm sorry. Here, look, I'll help you pick them up.

**IANTO:** Don't bother!  
_  
(IANTO answers quickly – too quickly – and is already on his knees, scrambling to pick up all the papers.)  
_  
Erm, they – they have to be in the right order.  
  
_(The team stands awkwardly watching IANTO retrieve all of the papers. IANTO stands when he has them all, and avoids their eyes. He holds the files tightly to his chest, almost as if he doesn't want them to be seen.)_

**JACK:** Okay team. I reckon we've done enough for the day. How about we go to the pub for a round or two of drinks?

**OWEN:** Keen!

**GWEN:** Sure, Rhys would have a heart attack if I actually arrived home on time.

**TOSH:** As long as Owen buys the first round, after that shocking pass.

**OWEN:** Oi! It'd make more sense for the losers of our game to buy – and oh, who lost, exactly? Oh, that's right – you and Jack!  
  
_(IANTO has escaped the banter by going over to TOSH and GWEN's desk, and beginning to tidy the rubbish away.)_

**JACK:** Fine, fine, first round is on me. Although I haven't decided if I should take it out of your paycheck...

**OWEN:** Whatever! Girls, get your handbags.  
_  
(ALL grab their bags, coats, etc., preparing to leave. None spare IANTO a glance, not even JACK, and together they leave the Hub, the cogwheel siren the only noise once they've left the stage. IANTO straightens up and stands still for a moment, listening. He then puts the rubbish that he's gathered into the main rubbish bin, and grabs the files he had been carrying.)_

**IANTO:** Right. Hopefully they'll be gone for at least two rounds of drinks – so that'll be around an hour or so – plus travel time, to and from... plus Jack saying goodbye to the others... and with any luck, Jack won't come back here straight away. Perhaps he'll go find his usual roof to brood from... or maybe he'll stay at the pub and pick someone up. Wouldn't be the first time, I'm sure.  
_  
(The bitter tone to his voice is evident.)  
_  
Okay, so... that should be enough time for what I need – what _we_ need.  
_  
(IANTO begins flipping through the files, searching for the one he wants. He pulls one out and examines it, and begins to read from it.)  
_  
"One of the first elements of a human body to be upgraded Cybernetically is the breathing system. The lungs and oxygen paths are channelled through the Cyber-conversion unit during the beginning of the upgrade, and nearing completion, the breathing will be channelled through the headset and set to circulate around the body, hence removing any need for an external source of air."  
_  
(IANTO puts the paper down.)  
_  
Okay, so... if I'm able to reverse the breathing process – unhook her from the respirator... that should be the first stage to curing her!  
  
_(IANTO leaves the files and runs offstage. All is silent for a few moments. And then the Rift Monitor on Tosh's computer flashes and beeps. A comms link lying on the desk emits a voice – JACK's voice.)_

**JACK:** Ianto – we just got the Rift Activity alert come through on Tosh's PDA. It looks like it's just an Arkan ship hovering over our atmosphere – they're not a threat, but could you send them a message –  
  
_(TOSH's voice also comes through the comms link)_

**TOSH:** **–** I've got the wave-frequency that you can send it through –

**JACK:** Right. Just send them a polite message to let them that it's lovely to see them, but they're spooking the locals, so can they park somewhere else?  
_  
(Silence.)  
_  
Ianto? You there?  
_  
(Still silence.)  
_  
Huh. Guess he must have headed home.  
  
_(OWEN's voice also comes through the comms link)_

**OWEN:** Oh, well that's bloody brilliant!

**JACK:** Hey! He's allowed to leave when we do, yeah?  
_  
(pause.)  
_  
Right, well, we'll just have to go back to the Hub to do it ourselves.  
  
_(We hear OWEN sigh through the comms link.)_

**OWEN:** Can we at least finish our drinks first?

**JACK:** Sure. Take ten seconds.  
  
_(The comms link crackles and falls silent. There is silence in the Hub once more, until we hear a creak of metal and heavy breathing, and then IANTO and LISA arrive onstage. LISA is being supported by IANTO as they walk awkwardly through the Hub. IANTO carries vital parts of her Cyber-conversion unit, namely, the breathing respirator to which she is connected.)_

**IANTO:** Almost there, you're doing great. We'll set you up in the autopsy room, alright? Then we can get started.

**LISA:** What did you say we were going to work on again?

**IANTO:** Your breathing, sweetheart. It's... well. It's been changed... but don't worry. I was reading up on the information they complied from – from Canary Wharf –  
_  
(IANTO stumbles across these words, voice trembling.)  
_  
They were able to study some of the upgraded people – Cybermen – that... that didn't make it. And I'll use it to make sure that you – that _you_ get better.  
  
_(They reach the autopsy room and IANTO sets LISA down on the table. He puts the respirator on a tray next to them, and prepares an oxygen tube.)  
  
_ This will help temporarily – if you can manage to breathe on your own, then I'll be able to start judging what more is needed – well, at least, I should be able to see what else –  
  
_(IANTO turns away from LISA, a worried expression on his face, and is about to inject the oxygen tube into her exposed flesh around her stomach, when the cogwheel siren sounds. IANTO freezes. JACK, OWEN, TOSH and GWEN all casually enter the Hub. They don't notice IANTO or LISA.)_

**JACK:** Tosh? See if you can connect the frequency waves so that we can get that message through to them. Gwen, would you be able to check with the police to find out how many witnesses there are, and if we need to... deal with them. I don't like wasting Retcon – it's such a drag having a drink with someone and not ending up with any pay-off.  
  
_(TOSH and GWEN both start doing what JACK has ordered, JACK and OWEN stand watching over TOSH's shoulder. IANTO, meanwhile, is doing some quick thinking.)_

**IANTO:** Oh god, oh god... why are they back? Why! Oh god... there must have been Rift Activity that I didn't notice. Oh god. We're trapped in here.  
_  
(IANTO quickly looks around the autopsy room, scanning his surroundings.)  
_  
Unless... she might fit...  
_  
(IANTO suddenly focuses on LISA, who is merely staring at him. She seems rather bored of the whole situation.)  
_  
Don't worry, you're going to be alright. What I need you to do is to get into the Cryogenics' Shute, it'll take you down to the morgue. Oh god. I'm so sorry. But it's the only other way out of here. You can't be found. Just... just stay there, I'll be down as soon as the others are gone. Just wait for me.  
  
_(IANTO helps LISA up off the table, as quietly as possible, and into the Cryogenics' Shute. He shuts the door after her and sends it down to the morgue, which is on the lower level of the Hub, with the basement and the vaults. He straightens his tie, quickly tidies the autopsy room, and grabs an empty coffee mug and some bits of rubbish, and leaves the autopsy room to come into the Hub.)_

**JACK:** _(on noticing IANTO's appearance)  
_ Ianto?! What are you doing there? We thought you'd gone home.

**IANTO:** No, sir – just been tidying up. What are you all doing back?

**JACK:** Rift Activity – we tried to contact you, but you didn't reply.

**IANTO:** I must have been down feeding the Weevils – forgot to put my comms on. I'm – I'm sorry, sir.  
  
_(IANTO looks down at his shoes in convincing regret. JACK waves a hand dismissively.)_

**JACK:** No, no, you're not at fault. You thought we'd gone to the pub, I shouldn't expect you to have your comms on 24/7.

**OWEN:** Would have saved up a trip back here, though...  
  
_(TOSH intervenes before JACK can retort.)_

**TOSH:** Actually, the frequency that the Arkan are using is quite tricky, I don't think Ianto could have managed to set up a wave message without the exact calculations I did on my PDA – would have been too hard to tell him over the comms.

**JACK:** Well, there you go.  
  
_(OWEN merely rolls his eyes, and TOSH continues typing on her computer. GWEN is standing to one side, on her cell-phone, and JACK continues to watch TOSH work. IANTO manages to be inconspicuous once more, under the pretence of picking up the rubbish scattered around the Hub.)_

**GWEN:** _(completing her call)  
_ Right, Andy says that the only witnesses were an elderly couple, they just thought it was a plane in distress, that's why they called the cops. So doesn't look you'll have to woo them.

**JACK:** Fantastic! Although, a couple would have been twice the fun...

**OWEN:** You're a sick man, Harkness! I would ask if you had limits regarding age, but then, it is you we're talking about.

**GWEN:** I never know when he's joking!  
  
_(They both share a laugh, when suddenly there is a power surge – the lights dip considerably, the monitors reboot and show a graph: Internal Power Drain, 26%.)_

**JACK:** Whoa... Tosh, what's going on?

**TOSH:** Internal Power Drain... what could be causing it? Where's it coming from?

**JACK:** Must be big, to be draining that amount of power.

**IANTO:** Actually...  
_  
(ALL turn to look at IANTO, and he clears his throat, looking slightly uncomfortable.)  
_  
We've... been having generator problems all evening, since you lot went out. I was... checking earlier, looks like a couple of bits of – cabling – have come loose. Thought I'd fixed it.  
_  
(A missed beat.)  
_  
Want me to have another look?  
  
_(Silence, in which the team look confused. IANTO tries not to fidget.)_

**JACK:** Fine, go check.  
_  
(IANTO sets off hurriedly. When he's almost offstage, GWEN speaks.)_

**GWEN:** Want me to come with you?  
  
_(IANTO shouts his reply from offstage.)_

**IANTO:** I'm fine!  
  
_(Team exchange looks, but carry on with the message as well as they can. The power flickers again, and then the stage goes completely black.)_


	6. Act I, Scene Six

**SCENE SIX:**  
_  
[We are now back in the lower level of the Hub. It's pretty dark. IANTO appears from offstage, now with a comms link on, and carrying a torch. He walks cautiously. A bang sounds from offstage, and IANTO tenses, shines his torch higher.]_

**IANTO:** Who's there? Lisa? Is that you?  
_  
(Another noise from offstage, this one decidedly more metallic. LISA walks onstage – she isn't connected to any equipment.)  
_  
Lisa! What are you doing? I told you to stay in the morgue!  
_  
(LISA doesn't answer, but keeps walking towards IANTO. IANTO's breathing quickens.)  
_  
What were you doing with the power?  
_  
(No answer. LISA walks closer.)  
_  
Lisa!  
  
_(IANTO's comms link crackles, and we hear JACK's voice coming through it strongly.)_

**JACK:** Ianto, the power seems to be restoring. Think you fixed it?  
_  
(LISA takes one final step to stand a foot away from IANTO. IANTO can't answer his comms. He lowers the torch with a shaking hand.)  
_  
Ianto? Report!  
_  
(IANTO starts to raise his hand slowly to tap his earpiece, but LISA is faster. She rips the comms link off, as JACK speaks through it again.)  
_  
If I don't hear something within the next thirty seconds, I'm coming down there!  
  
_(LISA holds the comms link between two fingers, and snaps it as easily as if it were made of cardboard.)_

**IANTO:** Okay, Lisa... stop. You shouldn't have done that. You heard him – what if Jack comes down here? We've worked so hard – we were on the edge of fixing your breathing – and now it could all go wrong!

**LISA:** My breathing needs no assistance.  
_  
(Her voice is not normal – not like when she usually speaks to IANTO, in a human voice. This voice is metallic – cybernetic. IANTO stares at LISA for a shocked moment before speaking.)_

**IANTO:** Wh- what?

**LISA:** My oxygen channels have now been completed. I recharged the conversion software and upgraded. I still must upgrade properly, but this will suffice for now. Now, I must assess the building.

**IANTO:** Lisa! What are you talking about?  
_  
(IANTO chokes down a sob.)  
_  
We were – _are_ – working to reverse the process... I – I don't understand!

**LISA:** A human weakness. You could do so much better without them. But I can't upgrade you yet. I must test the software first. I need someone more expendable. You are right – you have worked hard. And you shall soon reap the rewards. We shall be upgraded – together!  
_  
(LISA takes a step as if to step around IANTO, but suddenly, JACK, GWEN and OWEN burst onstage, guns at the ready, JACK leading. They come to a halt as soon as they see LISA and IANTO, and almost lower their guns in surprise. JACK is quickest to recover, and points his gun straight at LISA.)_

**OWEN:** Oh no, no no no...

**GWEN:** What is it? What's wrong?

**OWEN:** It is wrong... it's beyond wrong, it shouldn't be here!

**JACK:** It can't be...

**GWEN:** Jack! What – who – is that?  
  
_(JACK exhales a large breath.)_

**JACK:** It's a cyberman.  
_  
(IANTO makes a sudden movement, as if to step towards JACK and the others, and their eyes snap to him.)  
_  
Don't worry, Ianto – I've got it covered. Come towards us, now, slowly. Come on.  
  
_(IANTO doesn't move. He looks like a deer in headlights.)_  
  
Ianto! It's safe, we won't let it hurt you.

**LISA:** You are Captain Jack Harkness.

**JACK:** ...and you are?

**LISA:** Human 0.2.

**JACK:** Then how come you look like Human 0.1?

**LISA:** I do not understand.

**JACK:** Just take a look at yourself – not what I'd call fully dressed, which usually I wouldn't be complaining about. But the fact that you're threatening my friends – kinda spoils the mood!

**LISA:** If you are referring to my incomplete upgrade – I will be upgrading properly as soon as I can be sure my conversion unit won't fail. I think you just volunteered yourself to test it.  
  
_(IANTO is unable to stop his outburst.)_

**IANTO:** No! I won't let you do this!  
_  
(JACK, GWEN and OWEN all stare at him.)_

**LISA:** I will assess the building, and if it is suitable, the army will be rebuilt from here. If you try to stop me... you will be deleted.  
_  
(LISA swings her arm back, ready to swipe, and JACK quickly pulls IANTO out of the way. However, LISA changes target easily and grabs GWEN by the neck, and lifts her off the ground. GWEN screams with what breath she has.)_

**GWEN:** Let me go! Please!

**JACK:** HEY!  
  
_(Points his gun at LISA.)_  
  
Put her down!

**LISA:** I don't think so.

**OWEN:** We're not letting you do this!  
_  
(OWEN runs up to LISA, gun aiming, but LISA uses her other hand to strike him down – he is out cold. JACK and IANTO stare in horror. JACK is torn between wanting to shoot LISA and not wanting to accidentally hit GWEN. LISA turns around, and her conversion unit twists onto the stage. She shoves GWEN onto the table, the rest of the team not knowing how to stop her.)_

**GWEN:** Please, don't do this!

**LISA:** Do not struggle. You will be like me.  
_  
(LISA pulls the main switch, and the metallic machinery whirrs and clicks into life. Metal bolts close in on either side of GWEN's head, and she screams. LISA, completely emotionless, turns around and walks offstage.)_

**GWEN:** JACK!  
_  
(JACK and IANTO run over to GWEN.)_

**JACK:** It's okay Gwen, we've got you!  
_  
(to IANTO)  
_  
Switch it off!  
  
_(IANTO has already pulled the switch a few times, however, with no result though.)_

**IANTO:** She must have rewired the circuits! Shut down all power – it's the only way!  
  
_(JACK taps his earpiece and speaks to TOSH.)_

**JACK:** Toshiko! Cut all power in the base!  
  
_(We hear TOSH's voice crackling out of the comms.)_

**TOSH:** I do that, the base goes into lockdown, we'll be trapped!

**JACK:** Just do it!  
_  
(There is a few seconds of agonising pause, with GWEN's screams getting louder as the metallic screeching gets louder, and a device starts to descend from above, coming closer and closer to her... and suddenly, the power switches off, the stage is dark. JACK and IANTO quickly light their torches – GWEN is scrambling off the conversion table, unharmed.)_

**JACK:** Gwen, are you okay?

**GWEN:** Yeah, I'm fine – I'm fine, I'm fine – sort of – Jack, what is she?

**JACK:** The Cybermen came to Earth from a parallel world, they're what brought down Torchwood One at the Battle of Canary Wharf. They travel from one world to another, assimilating populations... they were meant to be destroyed!  
_  
(JACK's eyes flicker over to IANTO, who is staring in horror at GWEN.)_

**IANTO:** I'm so sorry.

**GWEN:** What for?  
_  
(pause)_

**JACK:** Come on, we need to get back to the Hub.  
_  
(JACK hoists the unconscious OWEN over his shoulder.)_

**GWEN:** But what about her? She's still down here!

**IANTO:** She – she can't have gone far.  
_  
(Suddenly, LISA crashes onto the stage again. IANTO jumps at the sight of her. She stares at them, but then turns and walks past her conversion unit, into the back of the stage, into the shadows, and is gone.)_

**IANTO:** _(as if to himself, but loud enough for the others to hear)  
_ Oh god, oh god. What went wrong?  
  
_(JACK suddenly pulls his Webley gun out of his waistband and puts it to the back of IANTO's head, clicking the safety off obviously. JACK speaks in a growl to IANTO.)_

**JACK:** Get us back to the Hub.

**GWEN:** Jack! What the hell are you doing?

**JACK:** Resisting the urge to shoot!  
  
_(IANTO bows his head and walks ahead of them offstage – JACK looking angry, GWEN looking confused, and OWEN still unconscious. The stage goes black.)_


	7. Act I, Scene Seven

7\. **Betrayed Me:** _Angel Of Music ( The Phantom of the Opera)_

8\. **I Don't Know How To Love You:** _I Don't Know How To Love Him ( Jesus Christ Superstar)_

 

**SCENE SEVEN:**  
  
_[We are now back in the main room of the Hub. TOSH is typing furiously at her monitor, and JACK, IANTO, OWEN and GWEN all come crashing onstage.]_

**JACK:** Tosh, I need you to get the alien lock-picker that we found last year and use it to see if you can get the cogwheel open.  
  
_(TOSH nods. JACK now turns to IANTO, who now looks half-dead.)_  
  
You, on your knees!

**TOSH:** Jack... what are you -?

**JACK:** Tosh, I gave you an order!  
_  
(TOSH stares, open mouthed at JACK – not following JACK's order – while GWEN quietly kneels down beside OWEN and taps his face, attempting to wake him up. IANTO collapses onto his knees in front of JACK.)_

**IANTO:** Bet you've always wanted me in this position.  
_  
(His tone is surprisingly bitter. JACK ignores this.)_

**JACK:** Hands above your head!  
  
_(IANTO slowly raised them and slings them behind his head.)_

**IANTO:** As you wish, sir.

**JACK:** You better give me a really good reason in the next twenty seconds for me not to shoot you!

**IANTO:** Look, she never meant to hurt anyone, she – she would never –

**JACK:** You knew that Cyberman was down there?!  
  
_(IANTO takes a deep breath.)_

**IANTO:** I put her there!  
_  
(JACK gets down to IANTO's level and grabs his hair to pull his head upwards. OWEN is awake by this point. TOSH and GWEN are frozen, watching.)_

**JACK:** You put a Cyberman inside of Torchwood! And you didn't tell us?!  
  
_(JACK heaves a breath, his face twisted in a mixture of disgust, anger, and sorrow.)  
  
_ Come on. _Ianto_. What else is there? What else are you keeping from us? And this time – I want the whole story.

['Betrayed Me']

**IANTO: [sings]**  
If you must know, she's Lisa, my girlfriend  
Rescued from Torchwood One  
I can't believe you've never asked me  
You just don't give a damn!

**JACK: [sings]**  
Ianto, you can't understand this  
Cybermen are just bad news  
Ianto, you surely must know that  
She cannot be saved!  
  
You concealed her and yourself from us  
Putting us in danger  
I can't believe you would betray me  
Faking a butler mask!  
  
_(IANTO wrenches himself from JACK's grasp, and they both stand up, a foot apart.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
Sir, you are not listening to me  
Lisa's upgrade's incomplete  
You like to think you're a hero  
But you're nowhere near!  
  
How can you think that I betrayed you  
You've done the same to me  
I owe it to her to find a cure  
My loyalties lie with her!  
  
_(Tears are trickling down IANTO's face, JACK has lowered his gun by now. IANTO gets a scared, hopeful look on his face, and starts pleading with JACK.)_

**JACK: [sings]  
** This has to stop right now!

**IANTO: [sings]  
** I won't give up

**JACK: [sings]  
** You don't get it

**IANTO: [sings]  
** Please let me talk to her

**JACK: [sings]  
** Too dangerous!

**IANTO: [sings]**  
Please let me try!  
  
_(Music stops, and JACK and IANTO stand glaring at each other. Suddenly, LISA launches onstage, and the team all scramble away quickly – except for IANTO, who takes a bold step forwards.)_  
  
Lisa!

**GWEN:** Jack! You can't just let him –

**JACK:** Shush! It's what he wants.  
_  
(GWEN shuts up reluctantly.)_

**IANTO:** Lisa. It's me.  
_  
(LISA pays IANTO no attention, but is assessing the main interior of the Hub.)_

**LISA:** The army will be rebuilt from here. This building is suitable.

**IANTO:** Lisa! If you could just hear yourself... you're better than this! You've been fighting it, why are you giving up now?

**LISA:** Fool! Enough of Lisa remained to project her – an easy task, to gain what I needed from you.  
  
_(IANTO lets out a broken sob, and barely manages to speak.)_

**IANTO:** But – no! No... we did all of this to be together. I... I love you.  
  
_(LISA ignores IANTO, and continues to analyse the Hub, silent. Music starts up.)_

['I Don't Know How To Love You']

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I don't know how to love you  
What to do, how to move you  
You've been changed, yes, really changed  
In these past few months  
When I've looked at you  
You've seemed like someone else  
  
I don't know how to help you  
I don't know why you're like this  
I'm a man, I'm just a man  
And I can't do more than I'm doing now  
I'm almost at a loss  
Just don't know how  
  
Should I stop you now?  
Should I let you down?  
Should I let you go  
Stand by and hide my frown?  
  
I never thought it'd come to this!  
What's this all about?  
  
_(LISA's following words are sung in a voice that wavers between metallic and normal, signifying the losing fight.)_

**LISA: [sings]**  
I don't recognise this feeling  
I _can't_ feel, don't know how to  
And yet, it's there, this 'love' is there  
So strong, so pure – I need a cure!  
These 'feelings' will not do  
I don't 'love' you!

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I never thought it'd come to this!  
What's this all about?  
  
Yet, if my Lisa were to come back  
Could I see her in the same way?  
It's all too much, just far too much  
I wish that we could turn back time  
That we could start afresh  
I just want you!  
  
I want you so  
I love you so  
  
_(Music fades away, and LISA suddenly shows interest at this, and turns her head to look at IANTO for the first time. She focuses on him.)_

**LISA:** Together! Yes. Transplant my brain into your body. We will be one complete person. Isn't that what love is?  
  
_(IANTO chokes over another sob.)_

**IANTO:** No.

**LISA:** Then we are not compatible!  
_  
(LISA lurches an arm out, and before IANTO has time to move away, she lifts him by the neck and throws him across the room. IANTO lies unconscious to the side of the stage, and LISA is now turning to face the rest of the team.)_

**JACK:** Okay team, forget what Ianto said, she is not human, yeah?

**ALL:** Yeah.

**JACK:** Tosh, get onto opening that cogwheel! Once you're up top, look under the desk in the office for the power board, and try see if you can trip the power lock!

**TOSH:** What about you? I can't just leave you all here!

**JACK:** Just do as I say! We need a last line of defence – just make sure she never gets to the outside world!  
  
_(LISA advances on them, and TOSH runs to the side of the stage with the lock-pick technology. JACK turns to OWEN and GWEN.)_  
  
You two. Try to find something that even resembles a weapon.

**OWEN:** Don't worry, I've got a plan to get the armoury door open.

**GWEN:** What are you going to do?

**JACK:** Buy you some more time. Go!  
_  
(GWEN and OWEN double around LISA, and run offstage. LISA turns to JACK, who is standing with a challenging look on his face.)  
  
_ Hey! Lisa! It is Lisa, isn't it? We haven't really been properly introduced.  
_  
(LISA starts to move slowly towards him, circling him. JACK begins circling in the opposite direction.)  
_  
Ooh, the silent type. That's okay. I once had a boyfriend who had no mouth – he was surprisingly creative. But... I digress. The real problem... is you.  
  
_(pause.)_  
  
How have you survived, half upgraded, for so long? Your human side and your cyber side... they can't exist at the same time.

**LISA:** That's where you're wrong. Human emotions are weak, but I've found that there are some that are worth keeping around. Lisa had so much to give me... I have had to try to expel her repulsive love for Ianto, but it served me greatly in helping me to keep up the pretence. Gain his trust. And Lisa's anger... oh, she was angry.  
  
_(LISA takes a sudden swipe at JACK, trying to catch him off guard, but he is ready for it, and ducks.)_  
  
Don't you want to know what Lisa was angry about, Captain?

**JACK:** Actually, I'd kinda like to know how you know my name, but whatever you feel like divulging is fine with me.

**LISA:** Oh, that? Cybernetic hearing, you forget.  
  
_(JACK injects sarcasm into his following words.)_

**JACK:** Huh. And I thought being an unfeeling robot wouldn't have any perks.

**LISA:** I do not understand.

**JACK:** I rest my case!

**LISA:** But this leads onto Lisa's anger... because we can hear everything... we heard the intimate remarks between you and Ianto Jones. Lisa heard them... and understood. You were _flirting_. And Lisa wasn't too happy with that.  
  
_(JACK hides a humourless grin and speaks mockingly/mournfully)_

**JACK:** Sounds like when I met Gwen's fiancé Rhys.

**LISA:** And Lisa has been such a useful host... I thought the least I could do is repay her, satisfy her hatred... by testing the Cyber conversion unit out on you first.

**JACK:** That's nice to know. But there's something _you_ should know – I'm not so easily deleted!

**LISA:** We'll see about that!  
_  
(LISA launches herself at JACK, grabs him by the shoulder, and a charge of Cyber-Electric Energy surges through JACK. JACK yells in pain, but then falls silent and LISA drops him. He falls limp to the ground – apparently dead. LISA surveys both the unconscious IANTO and JACK.)  
  
_ The Cybermen will be supreme!  
  
_(And with that, LISA marches offstage.)_


	8. Act I, Scene Eight

9\. **Betrayed Me (Reprise):** _Angel Of Music ( The Phantom Of The Opera)_

10\. **Look At Me:** _Think Of Me ( The Phantom Of The Opera)_ _  
_

 

**SCENE EIGHT:**  
  
_[There is silence for a few moments on the stage, both JACK and IANTO lying there unconscious. However, JACK eventually takes an almighty gasp back into life, and he jerks into a sitting position, rocking back unsteadily.]_

**JACK:** Aaargh! God! ...not my favourite way to die.  
  
_(JACK pulls himself up, supporting himself on his hands and knees. He looks around and sees that LISA is gone again, and then his eyes land on IANTO. He sighs. He sings the next verses in a sad tone, no longer angry, looking at IANTO, and moving closer to him.)_

['Betrayed Me: Reprise']  
  
**[sings]**  
Oh, Ianto Jones  
This slave of passion  
Fooled by a cybermen  
  
I must admit  
I see how you thought  
That she was still Lisa!  
  
_(JACK now pulls IANTO to lie in his lap, supporting him, and taps his cheek firmly. There is no response.)  
  
_ Ianto. ...Ianto! Come on, wake up...  
  
_(muttering to self)_  
  
_(JACK stares at IANTO, an unreadable look on his face, before swiftly leaning down to meet IANTO's lips with his own. This is more than mouth-to-mouth – JACK is kissing IANTO. His hand slides to cup his chin. After a few seconds, IANTO jerks awake, gasping for breath.)_

**IANTO:** _(blinking in confusion)  
_ J-Jack?

**JACK:** Shhh. She'll hear us.  
_  
(JACK's hand lingers a little longer on IANTO's chin, caressing it, before he lets go and makes to help IANTO stand. IANTO quickly gets the message and hurriedly finds his feet. He is blushing lightly and doesn't meet JACK's eyes – both embarrassed and ashamed.)_

**IANTO:** Sir. I...  
_  
(a pause.)_

**JACK:** Not now.  
_  
(tapping his earpiece)  
_  
Tosh, report?  
  
_(We hear TOSH's voice through JACK's comms.)_

**TOSH:** I've sourced the power through another route, it should be coming back on in five minutes. Is everyone okay?

**JACK:** Still present and correct.  
_  
(taps earpiece again)  
_  
Owen, Gwen, you there?  
  
_(However, GWEN and OWEN run onstage at this point, so there is no need for comms.)_

**GWEN:** Jack! We couldn't get the armoury door open, not without power. It was impossible!

**OWEN:** But that's not all of our problems...

**GWEN:** She found us – we only just managed to get away. Owen distracted her –

**OWEN:** And she's headed this way.  
  
_(IANTO turns desperately to JACK.)_

**IANTO:** Let me talk to her, let me give her a chance to surrender!

**JACK:** We're past that, Ianto! She already tried to kill Gwen, and she threw you about five metres into the air!  
  
_(IANTO's voice trembles as he answers.)_

**IANTO:** Lisa's not a monster! She wouldn't...

**JACK:** The Lisa you knew is gone! She was only pretending to be human to gain your trust, and just wait for the right moment... she was smart, I'll give her that.

**IANTO:** No! It – she couldn't be – she knew things that only Lisa would know – I don't believe you!  
  
_(nearly screaming this last line)_  
  
_(Before anyone can react, LISA comes surging onstage again. She stops momentarily when she sees JACK.)_

**LISA:** You should be dead.

**JACK:** I'm the stubborn type. Gwen, Owen, hold Ianto and get behind me!  
  
_(GWEN and OWEN splutter their confusion, and IANTO, fast thinking, tries to hurl himself past JACK, but JACK catches him around the waist and throws him back.)  
_  
Owen! Gwen! Do as I say!  
  
_(OWEN snaps into action and grabs IANTO around the waist, trapping his arms. GWEN takes a hold of one of his arms to help secure him. JACK pulls out his Webley gun and points it straight at LISA.)_  
  
You've done enough damage here. You've threatened my friends, and used Ianto for months. This is gonna end.

**IANTO:** Noooo!  
  
_(With a huge burst of strength, IANTO throws OWEN and GWEN off and quickly pulls a gun from his suit waistband, pointing it wildly around. JACK doesn't flinch, but his face hardens.)_  
  
I'm going to save her – if you try to stop me, I'll shoot!

**GWEN:** Ianto! Don't be stupid!  
  
_(IANTO turns to face GWEN, the gun that he is holding waving around dangerously.)_

**IANTO:** That's what you think I am – that's what you all think! I'm just the Tea-boy! I clean up all of your shit, no questions asked, and that's the way you like it!

**JACK:** Ianto. Put the gun down.  
  
_(IANTO swings the gun around to point at JACK.)_

**IANTO:** And you... you're worse than anything we have locked up in the vaults.

**JACK:** Stop. It's over. There's nothing you can do.

**IANTO:** No! I will shoot, I'll do it!  
  
_(JACK is still calm, his voice forceful and firm.)_

**JACK:** You can't save her. Now. I'm going to give you a choice. Either put the gun down – give it to Gwen – or, you can execute Lisa yourself. Which is it gonna be?  
  
_(IANTO gives a sob, but his voice is surprisingly strong.)_

**IANTO:** You can't order me to do that!  
  
_(JACK loses his temper again and yells, with an ugly look on his normally handsome face.)_

**JACK:** You execute her or I'll execute you both!  
  
_(GWEN is half reaching out an arm to try and restrain his emotions)_

**GWEN:** Jack –  
_  
(IANTO steels himself tearfully.)_

**IANTO:** I won't do it!  
  
**[sings]**  
Jack, I love her  
Please, have mercy  
I cannot kill her now  
  
One day I'll have the chance  
To save you  
I'll watch you suffer and die!

**JACK:** I'm sorry.  
  
_(Without giving IANTO or anyone time to react, JACK fires precise shots into LISA, hitting her in the exposed flesh parts of her stomach, her chest. LISA lets out a metallic screech and staggers backwards, but is still standing. JACK fires another round into her, and LISA comes to a standstill, metal arms flailing slightly. She then falls to lie dead, on the floor, the floor staining with what blood she still had. There is a shocked silence – GWEN is looking away, OWEN is looking defiantly at IANTO but also with some hesitancy at JACK, and JACK is merely staring at IANTO steadily. IANTO, however, looks only at LISA. He drops the gun with a clatter and stumbles forwards. He falls to his knees beside LISA, his suit getting soaked with LISA's blood. His faces screws up and he bows his head, tears falling, and sobs escaping. The silence is broken by all the lights coming back on fully – the power has been restored. This breaks the trance somewhat.)_

**OWEN:** _(to GWEN, taking her arm)  
_ Come on. We'll go find Tosh.  
  
_(OWEN and GWEN leave stage, slowly, looking back at JACK and IANTO and LISA as they do so. IANTO is cradling LISA's metallic head in his lap, his sobs having disappeared and shock set in. He is shaking uncontrollably.)_

**JACK:** **[sings]**  
Ianto I'm sorry  
For your loss  
I know more than you realise  
  
One day I hope  
You'll forgive me  
I know how you feel  
  
Ianto, you loved  
You lost, feel broken  
You are too young for this!  
  
Ianto, I hate  
Seeing you like this  
And I want to forgive you...  
  
_(With these final lines, the music fades into a mournful melody, and JACK sighs. He tucks his Webley away in his holster, and bends down to pick up IANTO's gun. He pockets it also. JACK hesitates, but takes a small step towards IANTO, and places a hand gently on his shoulder. IANTO doesn't seem to notice, and JACK closes his eyes, turns his head away for the first time. After a few seconds, JACK removes his hand, and slowly turns around. He walks offstage, without looking back, and we are left with just IANTO and LISA. The lights fade away to leave just a white spotlight on IANTO and LISA.)_

['Look At Me']

**IANTO: [sings]**  
Look at me  
I'm all alone now  
Silent, full of shame  
  
Please look at me  
Lying in blood  
Who else is there to blame?  
  
Now I know  
That then I should have known  
Lisa was truly long since dead  
  
I was trying to  
Hold on to  
Something that had fled  
  
_(IANTO carefully lays LISA's head down on the ground, and gets to his feet. He looks down at the blood staining his suit, but cannot even muster the strength to care. IANTO steps away from LISA, the spotlight following him, his face turned upwards.)_  
  
I hate to think  
What Jack now thinks of me  
Oh, Jack, how different this should be!  
  
We could be much  
Closer than this  
But, now, look at me!  
  
Look at all things  
That came between  
But look at how I feel  
What does this mean?  
  
Look at me  
Look at me waiting  
For your final word  
  
Oh, can you see  
How this will end?  
Oh, this is so absurd!  
  
_(IANTO is walking around the other side of the stage to LISA, looking out at the audience, and looking around/at the ground/upwards. We see JACK and OWEN come onstage, with a stretcher/gurney like trolley, and start to arrange LISA in a way they can pick her up and place her on the gurney. IANTO continues singing, not paying them attention, and they pay him no attention – they can't 'hear' his song.)  
  
_ I never thought  
That I could grow so fond  
Of such a roguish man like you  
  
But I'm scared that I've  
Forever  
Ruined what was true!  
  
_(Now IANTO falls silent, his head bowed, and he freezes. The spotlight on him dims, and instead falls on OWEN and JACK. LISA is lifted onto the gurney, and OWEN wheels it offstage, leaving just JACK. JACK pays IANTO no attention, as if IANTO can't 'hear' his song.)_

**JACK: [sings]**  
Can this be...  
Can this be happening?  
  
Ianto...  
  
Long ago  
It seems so long ago  
How young and innocent you were  
  
He may not want to  
Stay here, but  
I won't lose him...  
  
_(The last note carries on and merges with IANTO's next verse. BOTH sing, unaware of each other, opposite sides of the stage, now equally bright spotlights on both of them.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I hate to think  
What Jack now thinks of me  
Oh, Jack, how different we should be!

**BOTH: [sing]**  
But just promise me  
You'll try your best  
To forgive me!  
  
_(Song finishes. JACK turns and sweeps offstage, and IANTO wipes his face and sweeps offstage in the opposite direction.)_

**END OF ACT I.**


	9. Act II, Scene One

11. ****Back To Work:**** _Girl Meets Boy (Reprise) ( Sunset Boulevard) _

 

**ACT II**

**SCENE ONE:**  
  
_[Some time has passed. We are not in the Hub anymore – it is dawn and the scene opens on an empty street – virtually, the same time/setting that ACT I opened on. The melody of 'Day In The Life Of Torchwood' plays quietly as the scene progresses, the dialogue over the top of the melody.]_  
  
_(JACK and GWEN run onstage together, guns in hands, and a WEEVIL runs onstage from the opposite side.)_

**JACK:** Ha! Giving us the run around, huh! Well... you picked the wrong day my friend!  
  
_(They continue to sprint towards the WEEVIL, and JACK and GWEN almost collide with it, which leads to a moment of scrambling before the WEEVIL manages to break away and run offstage again.)_

**GWEN:** Ugh! Are Weevils usually this athletic?!

**JACK:** It's one way to work up an appetite, that's for sure.  
  
_(JACK taps his comms link and speaks into it.)_  
  
Tosh? We just lost the one we were chasing. Can you let me know where it's headed?

**TOSH:** _(Her voice comes through JACK's comms link.)  
_ There's a side street up ahead – it's seems to be going that way.

**JACK:** And how are you and Owen getting on?

**TOSH:** No sign of the other Weevil yet. Tracking its location now.

**JACK:** Good. See you in a bit.  
  
_(JACK now taps his comms link again.)_  
  
Ianto, you there?

**IANTO:** _(through JACK's comms link)  
_ Yes, sir?

**JACK:** Where're you at with the SUV?

**IANTO:** Just passing the shops, sir. Near the park. Where would you like me?  
  
_(JACK grins to himself.)_

**JACK:** Now there's a loaded question!  
  
_(GWEN rolls her eyes at JACK, and there is a dignified silence from IANTO, which only makes JACK grin wider.)_  
  
Just keep in touch with Tosh, she'll be able to confirm where both the Weevils are – we'll meet you there.

**IANTO:** Yes, sir.  
  
_(JACK taps his comms link to sign off, and turns to look at GWEN, who meets him with an exasperated glare. JACK makes a feeble attempt to look innocent – the dirty grin on his face somewhat spoils the effect.)_

**JACK:** What?

**GWEN:** You're impossible.

**JACK:** So I've been told!

**GWEN:** _(rolling her eyes again.)  
_ Come on! _  
  
 (JACK and GWEN run offstage.)_  
  
_(TOSH and OWEN_ _walk onstage, cautiously, OWEN with a gun at the ready, while TOSH consults her PDA. She comes to a sudden halt, and OWEN tenses.)_

**TOSH:** Wait, the readings are changing... _  
  
(TOSH shakes her head in confusion and grimaces.)  
  
_ Hmm. It looks like they're coming back together... yes – look, one of the Weevils is coming across Albert Street, towards the park, and the other one is running _across_ the park.

**OWEN:** Great. Just great! There better not be any people around – those people who get up at _unearthly_ hours to go for a run, or whatever. You know, those couples with matching tracksuits – think it's romantic or something, no doubt.  
  
_(There is an awkward pause, in which TOSH actually looks up at OWEN, her mouth open slightly in surprise, and OWEN stares defiantly up the road. Then TOSH gives a small, shy smile.)_

**TOSH:** Don't worry – this park is not even remotely romantic. No swings, the park benches are uncomfortable as hell – and the grass tends to go to mud whenever it rains. Which means that it is _always_ muddy. So. We should be, er, safe.  
  
_(OWEN turns back to look at TOSH, his expression now the one of surprise that TOSH had earlier worn. TOSH bites her lip to conceal her smile, and looks back down at her PDA. OWEN opens his mouth as if to say something, but then closes it again and clears his throat.)_

**OWEN:** Well... I hope you're right. I don't fancy dealing with any witnesses having mental breakdowns this early in the morning – not before we've had our coffees, at least.   
  
(TOSH is now fully concentrating on her PDA, and seems to make up her mind.)

**TOSH:** Okay, the readings have cleared up. They aren't going to cross paths after all – wait – yes. The Weevil that was on Albert Street appears to have gone down a side alleyway.  
  
_(OWEN sighs and rubs his eyes tiredly.)_

**OWEN:** The sooner we catch them, the better.

**TOSH:** This way.  
  
_(She points the way, and OWEN and TOSH leave the stage again, walking faster now.)_  
  
_(JACK now runs onstage, alone this time, and frantically tapping his comms link.)_

**JACK:** Gwen? Gwen! Come in, Gwen!

**GWEN:** _(through JACK's comms link)  
_ I'm okay, Jack, I managed to give it the slip. Have you found Ianto yet?

**JACK:** No – damn it, where are you Ianto?!  
  
_(JACK taps his comms link to sign off, when suddenly, there is a noise from the opposite side of the stage. JACK raises his gun to point at the source, but it is IANTO who runs onstage. He holds a sack in one hand and a big sedation needle in the other. IANTO stumbles slightly when he sees the gun pointing at him, and nearly collides with JACK. JACK hurriedly lowers his gun and reaches out an arm to steady him. IANTO clears his throat and speaks, breathing heavily.)_

**IANTO:** Sorry, sir. Er. You and Gwen sounded like you were in trouble, so I brought the sedation equipment with me.  
  
_(IANTO holds up the sack and needle. JACK looks pleasantly surprised.)_

**JACK:** Nice work, Ianto.

**IANTO:** I parked the SUV about twenty metres down the road.

**JACK:** Good, good. Right then. We need to get back to Gwen.  
  
_(Before they can move, however, a WEEVIL bursts onstage and comes to a halt just out of reach, growling loudly at them. Both JACK and IANTO tense, JACK raising his gun to point it at the WEEVIL, who is still standing there growling.)  
  
_ Stop right there! Ianto – get behind me!  
  
_(JACK turns his back on the WEEVIL to face IANTO.)  
  
_ Give me that –  
  
_(JACK gestures to the sedation needle and sack. He doesn't notice the WEEVIL moving towards him – but IANTO does.)_

**IANTO:** Jack! Move!  
  
_(IANTO swiftly pushes JACK out of the way, and takes a great leap to tackles the WEEVIL to the ground, managing to take it by surprise. In a fluid movement, he shoves the sedation needle into the WEEVIL's chest so that the WEEVIL stops struggling and falls limp. With trembling hands, IANTO pulls the sack over the WEEVIL's head. Silence. JACK, stunned, takes a few slow steps up to the WEEVIL and IANTO, who is panting and still straddling the WEEVIL, and JACK lowers his gun when he realises the WEEVIL is sedated. IANTO and JACK look at each other for a long moment.)  
  
_ I... it was about to attack you, and – I... I'm sorry, sir.  
  
_(IANTO lowers his head and gazes unseeingly upon the WEEVIL.)_

**JACK:** What do you mean, 'sorry'? Ianto – you were brilliant just now! You're... you're a natural Weevil hunter, it seems.

**IANTO:** _(mumbling)  
_ Was just luck, really.

**JACK:** You, Ianto Jones, are too modest for your own good.  
  
_(There is some kind of emotion in JACK's voice which forces IANTO to look up at him in surprise. While IANTO and JACK's gazes are locked, OWEN crashes onstage from the same side the WEEVIL appeared from, and makes the other two start and look away from each other hurriedly._

**OWEN:** Oh, you got it. Thank god for that! Tosh says that the one that we were tracking has gone back down the sewers again – good riddance, I reckon.  
  
_(OWEN stops and leans over, hands on his knees, panting heavily. He notices IANTO, and with a hint of admiration in his tone, says:)  
  
_ Tea-boy – did you do that?  
  
_(IANTO nods wordlessly. JACK reaches out a hand to help IANTO up.)_

**JACK:** Need some help getting up?  
  
_(It is impossible to miss the innuendo in JACK's words, and IANTO clears his throat, raises an eyebrow in reply, but accepts JACK's hand. JACK pulls IANTO off the WEEVIL and for a moment, IANTO is pressed flush against JACK, JACK's other arm almost naturally curling around IANTO's waist.)_

**IANTO:** Thank you for the assistance, sir.

**JACK:** Any time.  
  
_(OWEN, however, taps his foot and gestures to the WEEVIL, and they both tactfully let go of each other.)_

**OWEN:** Come on, we need to get this thing back to the SUV, and back to the Hub. I could murder for some of your coffee, Ianto.  
  
_(JACK, with a sideways glance at IANTO, bends down to grip the WEEVIL, and OWEN helps him to carry the WEEVIL offstage. IANTO remains onstage, running a hand through his hair anxiously. Music starts up._ )

['Back To Work']

**IANTO: [sings]**  
Back to work, keep on moving forwards  
Block out the past and  
Focus on what I do now  
  
But it's hard to ignore all the pain  
Pain that's so constant  
Wish I could forget somehow  
  
Well, I've a feeling the team's trying  
To act as if nothing happened, but  
I can't just go back to what I was before...  
  
_(IANTO begins to pace onstage.)_  
  
Lots to do, good to keep me busy  
Keep my hands full, and  
Certainly nothing's a bore!  
  
Back to work, everything's so different  
I keep forgetting  
That I can discard my mask  
  
And yes, it's great, that now I go on missions  
Out and about, much  
Better than my routine task  
  
Oh, but what if I make mistakes?  
Then Jack might think I don't have the skill  
Not good enough to include, just leave me behind!  
  
_(IANTO bites his lip, and stops pacing, just stands to one side of the stage.)  
  
_ I will prove I have lots to offer  
Show that I'm useful  
Resourceful, with a sharp mind  
  
By then, Jack – well, he'll be lost without me  
He'll want to keep me  
Just wait, and he'll see  
  
Can I really do this?  
I know that I can!  
  
_(IANTO has a smile on his face by now, and with this, he sweeps off the stage as the lights dim.)_


	10. Act II, Scene Two

12. ****Part Of The Team:**** _Go Go Go, Joseph! ( Joseph And The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat)_

 

**SCENE TWO:**  
  
_[Music changes here, it develops into 'The Cybernetic Touch' – the dark side of the music. The lights dim to indicate a change in time – it is night time now. The street lamps glow orange.]_  
  
_(GWEN and TOSH suddenly come flying on stage. TOSH, strangely enough, is not holding her PDA, and neither of them are holding guns. They keep checking over their shoulders as if they are being chased by something.)_

**GWEN:** That is the last bloody time we let Owen drive the SUV – what the hell was he thinking, leaving the bloody keys in ignition!

**TOSH:** I'm more worried about why someone just happened to take the SUV – _our_ SUV! It had to be a targeted attack... and without my PDA, I don't know how we're meant to catch this thing!  
  
_(When GWEN and TOSH are halfway across stage, IANTO suddenly comes running onstage from the opposite side. He nearly collides with the girls, and makes big waving gestures at them to head back the way they came.)_

**IANTO:** Wrong way – you're going the wrong way!  
  
_(The girls stumble to a halt, and they stand confused for a second, as IANTO charges closer to them.)_

**GWEN:** But – but... it was chasing us! It was right behind us, I'm sure of it!

**IANTO:** Watch out!  
  
_(Sure enough, a MARA-FAIRY zooms onstage after IANTO.)_

**TOSH:** Oh my god! There... there must be more than one!

**IANTO:** Just run! _  
  
(The girls quickly turn around and sprint offstage, IANTO following them.)  
  
(JACK and OWEN now arrive onstage from the opposite side._ _JACK strides swiftly, and is followed by OWEN. BOTH hold guns at the ready, and advance confidently. A shriek is heard offstage.)_

**JACK:** Gwen! Toshiko!  
  
_(no answer)_  
  
Damn it! Owen – that is the last time we let you drive the SUV!

**OWEN:** Oi! I'm human, okay, I ballsed up – and it's not my fault the girls left their guns behind. You really should ensure everyone carries their firearms on their body at all times... as our leader...

**JACK:** _(huffs an impatient breath)  
_ Just hurry up!  
  
_(They both increase their pace to run offstage.)_  
  
_(TOSH and GWEN stumble onstage, TOSH first, GWEN after her, and it is clear that they are still being chased. Their hair is much messier and GWEN trips over halfway across stage, and catches TOSH's legs so that she falls over too.)_

**TOSH:** Come on, Gwen! We can't stop now – I'm sure help is on the way.

**GWEN:** Ianto was right behind us, and now he's gone – where did he go?  
  
_(TOSH scrambles to her feet and hauls GWEN up too, before the MARA-FAIRY once again arrives onstage behind them.)_

**TOSH:** I don't know – but he'll be fine, don't worry. He has to be. I'm sure Jack and Owen are on their way.  
  
_(However, this time there is a SECOND MARA-FAIRY who seems to have joined with the FIRST. GWEN and TOSH both give frightened looks behind them.)_

**GWEN:** Bloody hell! There is more than one... oh god...

**TOSH:** Hurry!  
  
_(They start running again, both starting to limp/stumble tiredly, and they leave the stage.)_  
  
_(OWEN and JACK come onstage,_ _OWEN having sprinted onstage, and stopped right in the middle, craning his neck, looking around for the girls. He waves JACK onstage, who is covering OWEN from behind.)_

**JACK:** We _just_ missed it. I knew there was more than one of them!

**OWEN:** Yeah, what exactly are they, Jack?

**JACK:** Their common name is Fairies – but these ones aren't the ones that little girls play with at the back of the garden. These fairies are part-Mara – from a galaxy in another universe.

**OWEN:** Why the hell are they on Earth then? _  
  
(OWEN is looking, when he appears to see something offstage.)  
  
_ Tosh! Over here! Jack, I think I saw them!  
  
_(OWEN leaps into action, frantically waving at JACK to follow him.)_

**JACK:** I just hope we can find Ianto too...  
  
_(They run off the stage.)_  
  
_(GWEN and TOSH fall onstage again, this time very tired and not able to run very fast. Thankfully, IANTO runs onstage from the other side.)_

**GWEN:** Ianto! Thank goodness you're alright! We thought we lost you.  
  
_(IANTO is panting heavily.)_

**IANTO:** Are you both alright?  
  
_(IANTO quickly runs to their side. However, TOSH trips and falls down in a heap, holding her ankle.)_

**TOSH:** It's – my ankle. I think I twisted it, before – I... I can't run any further.  
_  
(She is gasping in quick breaths, near to sobs. Before they can do anything, however, the FIRST MARA-FAIRY appears onstage, and seems to know that the others are cornered. It slowly advances on them.)_

**GWEN:** Where are Jack and Owen!? We don't even know what these things are... Jack would know what to do!  
  
_(IANTO stands up and places himself in front of the girls, shielding them and spreading his arms out wide. The MARA-FAIRY advances still.)_

**TOSH:** Ianto... what are you doing? Don't –

**IANTO:** Don't move, just keep still and quiet. Jack won't be long – I'll hold it off until he gets here.

**GWEN:** But Ianto –  
  
_(IANTO makes a 'shushing' motion, putting his fingers to his lips, and GWEN pushes her hair out of her face, looking like she's trying not to burst into tears. TOSH tries to stand, but cannot support her own weight, and falls back to the ground.)_

**IANTO:** Whatever you are, we mean you no harm... just don't come any closer.  
  
( _The MARA-FAIRY continues to advance, and the girls look away. IANTO holds his ground. The MARA-FAIRY is almost upon them when suddenly IANTO sweeps a hand into his suit waistband and produces a gun. He slides into a steady position and lets off a round of gunshots into the MARA-FAIRY. The girls scream, and the MARA-FAIRY staggers to a halt, and finally falls over backwards, motionless. IANTO stands frozen in position, gun still trained on it, and GWEN and TOSH stay still, too shocked to move.)_  
  
_(JACK and OWEN both run onstage from the same side as the MARA-FAIRY and screech to a halt beside the dead MARA-FAIRY. They look up, and see IANTO, GWEN and TOSH.)_

**JACK:** _(shouts frantically)  
_ What happened?  
  
_(The other three give no answer, all as shocked as the others. OWEN, the medic in him taking over, goes quickly over to them.)_

**OWEN:** Is everyone alright? Tosh, what's wrong?  
  
_(TOSH manages to answer slowly.)_

**TOSH:** It's my ankle... I think I twisted it.  
  
_(OWEN examines her ankle quietly. JACK meets IANTO's eyes, and walks over to him slowly.)_

**JACK:** Ianto?  
  
_(IANTO's eyes dart to his, and he takes a deep breath. He is still holding the gun up in front of him.)_

**IANTO:** Sir.  
  
_(JACK carefully wraps his hand around IANTO's and takes the gun from him, putting the safety catch on and tucks it back into IANTO's waistband. IANTO quietly lets him, bowing his head. OWEN is now examining GWEN for injuries.)_  
  
_(Now the melody merges into a new song.)_

['Part Of The Team']

**TOSH: [sings]**  
If Ianto had not arrived  
Gwen and I would not be here

**GWEN: [sings]**  
This is true, what could have been  
What might have been, I can only fear  
  
_(IANTO looks up, blushing lightly.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I am sure that you'd have broken free  
Really, it was not all thanks to me!

**TOSH & GWEN: [sing]**  
Oh no, no, Ianto, you will not escape  
Without you Ianto, we'd be in a scrape  
You deserve praise, and you cannot deny  
Without you here, things would have gone awry!

**OWEN: [sings]**  
From what I've seen I must concur  
These girls could not have ran much more  
Ianto, mate, your timing was  
Perfect – I can say for sure

**IANTO: [sings]**  
Honestly, I didn't have a plan  
It's my job to help you if I can!  
  
_(JACK cups IANTO's face gently, giving him a true smile for the first time since the LISA incident, and steps around the MARA-FAIRY, beholding IANTO to the rest of the team.)_

**JACK: [sings]**  
I think that Ianto has been very brave  
We can see clearly he's made a great save  
After these acts, I think we can deem  
Ianto, you're truly part of the team!  
  
_(IANTO now allows a smile to slide onto his face, and he turns to face the team.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I must confess that now I feel  
Like I fit in, like I belong  
These past weeks I've grown to see  
A side of me that can be strong

**ALL (except IANTO): [sing]**  
Ianto, we now know what you can do  
Ianto, we don't want to replace you!  
  
_(Suddenly, the SECOND MARA-FAIRY comes onstage, and stops when it sees its mate lying dead. It lets out a growl, and JACK quickly whips around, standing in front of the team with his gun out.)_

**JACK: [sings]**  
Owen, Ianto, get the girls out of here!  
This Mara-Fairy is getting too near

**IANTO: [sings]**  
What about you, sir? We cannot leave you  
That creature, alone, you can't hope to subdue!

**JACK: [sings]**  
Do not worry about me  
I'll be fine no matter what  
Take the girls to safety and  
Stop worrying – I'm a perfect shot!  
  
_(OWEN is gathering TOSH to help her stand, and IANTO sighs in agreement.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
If you say so sir – please be alright...  
I still don't like to leave you here to fight!  
  
_(IANTO, however, helps steady GWEN and TOSH – OWEN's arm is around TOSH's waist, taking most of her weight – and together they escape offstage, leaving just JACK and the remaining MARA-FAIRY, with the other one in between them. They begin to circle it, each staying the same distance from the other.)_

**JACK: [sings]**  
Fighting with fairies, how hard can it be?  
I've fought worse things, and never had to flee  
Like when the Doctor and I travelled far  
We met many creatures, didn't get many scars!  
  
_(However, while JACK was reminiscing about the Doctor, he was a tad distracted – and the MARA-FAIRY makes its move. It launches itself over its mate, and tackles JACK to the ground.)  
  
_ Oh, so you like to play rough, huh! Usually this would be my idea of a perfect evening – but not after you've tried to hurt my friends! _  
  
(It takes a swipe at JACK's face, but JACK manages to roll underneath it – but he is still trapped underneath the MARA-FAIRY, and his hand holding the gun is stuck under its gnarly fingers.)  
  
_ Argh! Let go of me... I'm sure we can settle this in a less life-threatening way! _  
  
(The MARA-FAIRY closes its other hand around JACK's throat, and JACK gasps for breath, his struggling getting weaker and weaker. However, with a determined burst of strength, JACK's fingers close around the trigger, and he shoots the MARA-FAIRY. It flips off him, and JACK is able to scramble to his feet.)  
  
_ Stay back! Or else –  
  
_(But the bullet wasn't enough to stop it. Instead, the MARA-FAIRY angrily swipes a deep gash in JACK's neck, and plunges its claws into his chest. With a final effort, JACK pumps more bullets into the MARA-FAIRY, and it eventually grows limp and collapses on top of JACK, throwing JACK to the ground. JACK manages to find enough strength to push the MARA-FAIRY off him, but he is dying – we can tell by his wheezing breath, the blood pooling around him. He pushes himself into a half-sitting position for his final verse.)_

**JACK: [sings]**  
Bleeding out – oh god, it hurts –  
I wish that I was not alone  
Waking up with someone there  
Is better than waking on my own!  
  
But no one must see me die, then live,  
It's something 'bout which I must be furtive!  
  
_(JACK takes his last rattling breath and dies, lying completely still next to the dead MARA-FAIRY. The song ends, on a sad long note, and there is total silence.)_


	11. Act II, Scene Three

13\. **Look At Me (Reprise):** _Think Of Me ( The Phantom Of The Opera)_

14\. **Darkness Of The Dead:** _Music Of The Night ( The Phantom Of The Opera)_ **  
**

 

**SCENE THREE:**  
  
_(The silence continues, but only for long enough so as to make the audience slightly uncomfortable. Then, we hear the sound of footsteps, and IANTO arrives onstage. He is relaxed, at ease at first, but when he sees JACK and the MARA-FAIRY lying dead he gives a shocked gasp of breath, a strangled scream, and jerks to a halt.)_

**IANTO:** It... it can't be!  
  
_(IANTO takes a few stumbling steps towards JACK, and falls to his knees beside JACK. Shaking, he touches JACK, tenderly touching the gash in his neck – his fingers becoming covered in blood. His fingers sweep across JACK's bleeding chest, and slide down to his wrist to take his pulse. IANTO sits still for a moment, then lowers JACK's wrist back down – evidently, there is no pulse. He chokes over a sob, but his face is still relatively calm or blank – he won't let himself show his true emotion. The music starts as he starts smoothing out JACK's clothes, making him look tidy.)_

['Look At Me: Reprise']

**IANTO: [sings]**  
Can this be...  
Can this be happening?  
  
Jack...  
  
Look at us  
Oh Jack, now, look at us  
Defeated before we could start  
  
You will never know  
How I felt  
Deep within my heart...  
  
_(IANTO now brings his eyes up to JACK's face, and he peers into it, his face beginning to crumble a bit. He hauls JACK into a more upright position, but JACK's head lolls back uselessly. The next lines are sung with the threat of tears.)  
  
_ I never should  
Have gone and left you here  
I could have saved you, tried my best!  
  
But now it is much  
Too late to wake  
You from this rest!  
  
_(IANTO now buries his head in JACK's shoulder. He has pulled JACK into his lap, and is cradling him, holding him desperately as the music turns into a haunting melody (from 'Look At Me'). However, the music suddenly stops as JACK gives a great gasp for breath, and flails around as he comes back into life. He lets out yelps of pain, and IANTO snaps his head up in shock, and just stares at JACK. JACK stares back in shock too. His hands have clamped down firmly on IANTO's arms – a way of anchoring himself into the world of the living. IANTO cannot say anything.)_

**JACK:** _(with a slight attempt at a chuckle)  
_ This must be one of the best wake-ups I've ever had, all wrapped up in a gorgeous Welshman – and that's saying something.  
  
_(IANTO is taking deep breaths, trying to stop himself breathing too quickly, but not doing a terribly good job.)_

**IANTO:** S-Sir?  
  
_(A small smile is playing on JACK's lips.)_

**JACK:** Could we maybe drop the 'sir' now?  
  
_(IANTO takes a shaky breath and quirks one side of his mouth upwards.)_

**IANTO:** Jack.  
  
_(JACK's smile grows, and he tries to sit up more, but hisses in pain, grimacing. IANTO clutches him tighter.)_

**JACK:** _(trying to catch his breath)  
_ Ianto.

**IANTO:** I... you were – I don't – your... your blood...  
  
_(JACK lifts a hand, despite another grunt of pain, and gently cups IANTO's chin, stroking his cheek with his thumb – wiping away IANTO's tears that slowed from shock.)_

**JACK:** It's okay. I'm alright.  
  
_(IANTO moves his eyes down to JACK's neck, and stares at it, in shock and in wonder. He moves his own hand, as if in a trance, to trace JACK's skin – the gash in his neck has knitted itself back together, and there is barely a scar there. He slides his hand further down to JACK's chest, and feels around for the wound.)_

**IANTO:** But – but I saw it! That Mara-Fairy had – had –  
  
_(IANTO swallows a sob)  
  
_ It had ripped your chest open.  
  
_(JACK doesn't say anything, just looks into IANTO's eyes. IANTO looks away and starts ripping open JACK's shirt buttons, exposing his chest.)_

**JACK:** _(amused)  
_ You only had to ask!  
  
_(IANTO ignores him, however, and traces his fingers over JACK's chest. The wound is gone – all that remains, here and on JACK's neck, is his blood.)_

**IANTO:** You – you're healed!  
  
_(IANTO gazes helplessly at JACK.)  
  
_ I don't understand. How is that possible? I – I checked your pulse, and you – you were dead!  
  
_(IANTO bites out another sob, bowing his head, but JACK lifts his chin again to meet his eyes.)_

**JACK:** _(now serious, but with a soft, gentle tone)  
_ I can't die.  
  
_(IANTO gives a humourless laugh.)_

**IANTO:** Right.

**JACK:** But I can't.  
  
_(JACK lets out a deep breath, wincing as his neck moves.)  
  
_ Something happened to me a while back... and ever since then, I can't die. I don't understand it myself... it just _is_.  
  
_(IANTO just stares at JACK – it is clear that he believes him, no matter how crazy it sounds. IANTO now reaches out and smoothes JACK's hair, running his fingers through it.)_

**IANTO:** _(murmuring)  
_ Oh, Jack. I... why didn't you tell any of us?

**JACK:** It's not something I generally go spouting off about – it tends to freak people out. Plus it – well, it makes it more real, I guess.  
  
_(IANTO just looks at him – his face an expression of pity and sorrow, as well as a hint of relief.)_

**IANTO:** _(still murmuring)  
_ Come here.  
  
_(IANTO gently helps JACK into a sitting position, and then, after making sure JACK is steady, he helps him to stand. JACK is still weak and stiff after coming back to life, so must clutch at IANTO's arms for support. JACK's shirt is still hanging open, and when they are standing, they suddenly seem to realise how close they are to each other – their embrace hugs them to one another. IANTO takes a sharp intake of breath, and moves back slightly.  
  
_ Are you sure you're okay, to –  
  
_(JACK nods and 'shushes' him by placing a finger on IANTO's lips. IANTO shuts up, taken by surprise, and tenses up a little. Music starts playing for JACK's song.)_

['Darkness of the Dead']

**JACK: [sings]**  
Darkness greets you  
Suffocates your senses  
Silence deafens  
Tempts you with pretences  
  
Slowly the pain fades  
And the harsh numbness pervades  
  
_(JACK moves out of IANTO's arms and slowly glides over the stage, a spotlight now on both him and IANTO – brighter on JACK. IANTO stays still, arms still raised slightly around the ghost of JACK's presence, watching JACK as he sings.)  
  
_ Gasping, grasping  
Can't escape the black frost  
Blinds me, binds me  
All alone – my soul's lost!  
  
Dragged back into life  
Like breathing through a knife  
Being hauled over  
Broken glass, and being bled  
Be consumed by the darkness of the dead!  
  
_(JACK moves around the stage now, coat streaming out behind him. IANTO makes a movement as if to go to him, follow him, but stays put.)  
  
_ Close your eyes and surrender to the dark nightmares  
Try to keep hold of all you knew before  
Close your eyes, feel your mind begin to sink  
And you'll float, fly away and cease to think  
  
Swirling, twirling  
Let the darkness whisper  
Bend me, break me  
Threatening but so tender  
  
Falling half in love  
With the light shining above  
Always reaching out  
For what has long since fled  
And listen to the darkness of the dead!  
  
_(JACK now spins around and crosses the stage to IANTO, pressing himself flush against IANTO. A slightly desperate look is in his eyes, and IANTO wishes that he knew how to help JACK, to make him feel alive again. JACK's hand rests against the side of IANTO's face, and IANTO raises a shaking hand to mirror this on JACK's face.)  
  
_ When that first gasp of air is thrown into my lungs  
I forget what life I've come back to live  
When I'm thrown back to life, I barely cope!  
But with you there, I can begin to hope...  
  
_(The music tapers off to be a quiet background melody, still continuing on a loop, as there will be more lyrics. IANTO lets a single tear fall down his cheek, and he takes a deep breath.)_

**IANTO:** Jack, I –  
  
_(But before IANTO can say anything, JACK has closed the gap and kissed IANTO. IANTO is surprised at first but kisses back, deepening the kiss. JACK carefully brings a hand up to thread through IANTO's hair, and IANTO presses his palms against JACK's bare chest, running over JACK's skin. Their lips break apart and they stare at each other, breathing heavily. IANTO looks like he is now the one being supported by JACK, as he seems to be trembling slightly.)_

**JACK:** Being alive, for so long... I have loved so many people – _lost_ so many... sometimes I can't stand it!  
  
_(IANTO's voice is still a bit shaky.)_

**IANTO:** If you had died just then... I would have missed out, on _that_...  
  
_(IANTO tries to give a chuckle, gives a small smile to lighten the mood. JACK smiles back, and kisses IANTO again. This time, IANTO brings a hand to JACK's neck, to hold him closer, if that were possible. They break apart.)_

**JACK:** Not that I'm complaining... but being covered in blood isn't exactly the biggest turn on.  
  
_(IANTO blinks and clears this throat, assuming a bit of his 'professional mode' back.)_

**IANTO:** Oh, uh, right. I told Owen I'd come back for you, meet him at the SUV. You just – you just stay here, I'll be right back. I'll get Owen to bring the SUV over.  
  
_(JACK nods, and squeezes IANTO's upper-arm briefly.)_

**JACK:** Thank you, Ianto. For... for being here.  
  
_(IANTO is giving a true smile, looking a bit cheeky.)_

**IANTO:** Part of my job. _Sir._  
  
_(JACK rolls his eyes exaggeratingly, but gives IANTO a grin. IANTO quickly wipes his face for tears. He slips out of JACK's hold and jogs offstage, leaving JACK alone. The spotlight grows bright again and the music gears up for the final verses.)_

**JACK:** **[sings]**  
Flailing, falling  
Dangerously too deep  
Help me, hold me  
Anchor me from death's sleep  
  
Can I let you in?  
Let you look around within?  
Can I bare myself  
And do all that I've said?  
Let you save me from the darkness of the dead?  
  
_(JACK buttons up his shirt, spinning around gracefully, his coat spread out, to move across the stage from one side to the other.)  
  
_ You alone can save my soul instead  
Keep me from the darkness of the dead!  
  
_(JACK now sweeps offstage, and the music ends.)_


	12. Act II, Scene Four

15. ****I Feel Happy:**** _I Feel Pretty ( West Side Story)_ (here's one of those crack moments I hinted at...) ** **  
****

 

**SCENE FOUR:**  
  
_[It is daytime again – and this time, the setting is an outdoors countryside, grass, old pipes jutting out from the earth, that kind of thing. There is a cottage at the back of the stage, where the front door leads off stage. After a few moments, JACK, GWEN, OWEN, IANTO and TOSH all walk onstage, casually. They are wearing slightly different attire to usual – more suited to the outdoors – with IANTO being the most obviously different. He has completely abandoned his usual suit, and wears a check shirt with jeans. TOSH holds her PDA, naturally, but otherwise, they don't appear as if they're on a mission. Although, of course, they are.]_

**GWEN:** Ohhh, come on, it's just a bit of fun! Who's the last person you snogged?

**OWEN:** Ugh, honestly! Are you, or are you not, a grown woman?  
  
_(GWEN shoots OWEN a mock glare, while JACK chuckles.)_

**JACK:** What's wrong with a bit of romantic scandal, Owen? Got something to hide?

**OWEN:** _(scoffs)  
_ Of course not. As it so happens... I wouldn't be able to _remember_ the last person I snogged – was just a tad intoxicated last weekend... probably something like Carys or some typical Welsh name...

**GWEN:** Oi! Owen, that's just...  
  
_(GWEN mimes being sick over her shoulder.)_

**OWEN:** Hey, you bloody well asked!

**JACK:** Children, behave!

**GWEN:** Mine was Rhys!

**OWEN:** Yeah, well – there's a surprise.

**GWEN:** Tosh – your go!

**TOSH:** _(blushing lightly)  
_ I... I hardly think that –

**GWEN:** Go on, spill the beans!  
  
_(GWEN and JACK peer at TOSH expectantly, while OWEN is pointedly looking away, acting disgusted at the whole conversation, and IANTO is quiet next to TOSH.)_

**TOSH:** _(after a long moment's hesitation)  
_ Owen.

**OWEN:** _(suddenly looking at TOSH with widened eyes)  
_ Beg pardon?

**TOSH:** You were... the last person I, uh, snogged.  
  
_(OWEN gives a light snort, but looking at though he is trying to hide some sort of embarrassment.)_

**OWEN:** Tosh, love, in your dreams.  
  
_(But TOSH has drawn herself up straighter and has a steely glint to her eyes.)_

**TOSH:** 3am. Christmas Eve. In front of the Millennium Centre, waiting for a cab.  
  
_(OWEN merely looks at her with an utterly lost look.)_  
  
What? I had mistletoe.

**OWEN:** Yeah, but... Christmas! Bloody... Christmas! You've not had a snog since –

**TOSH:** _(now sounding terse)  
_ No.

**OWEN:** Ah.  
  
_(He clears his throat awkwardly into the silence that has fallen.)  
  
_ Well, er... lucky me, eh?  
  
_(More silence, until GWEN looks around and casts her eyes upon JACK.)_

**GWEN:** Jack.  
  
_(JACK strokes his chin as if pretending to think.)_

**JACK:** Tell me, should I include non-human life forms?

**OWEN:** Oh _god_ , that is a visual I could've done without, thank you very much.

**GWEN:** I never know when he's joking!

**JACK:** Hey, it's a legitimate question!  
  
_(The team's laughter grows quieter, in this way accepting JACK's dodge of the original question. IANTO looks away, fidgeting a little, and seems as though he's hoping that he will be left out of this particular game. But, alas, fate does not appear to be on his side.)_

**GWEN:** So that just leaves Ianto!  
  
_(IANTO's head flashes back around, looking anywhere but at JACK.)_

**IANTO:** Uh... well, I, erm... I doubt that anyone wants to –

**OWEN:** Aw, what! That's not fair, we told you!

**IANTO:** And believe me, I would have been content not knowing about your recent exploits!

**JACK:** _(slyly)  
_ Must have been one hell of a kiss to get Ianto _this_ hot and flustered!  
  
_(IANTO shoots JACK a glare over the rest of the team's heads, but there is no denying the blush spreading over his cheekbones.)_

**GWEN:** Owen's right, it's only fair!

**OWEN:** Come on then, out with it!  
  
_(IANTO opens and closes his mouth helplessly.)_

**IANTO:** I –  
  
_(Now, however, IANTO's luck turns – a loud, piercing screech cuts through his words, and the team all straighten up and freeze. The screech had sounded like a mix of animal and human. JACK whips out his Webley while TOSH examines her PDA closely.)_

**JACK:** Okay, playtime's over, kids. Toshiko, what have you got?

**TOSH:** _(sounding puzzled)  
_ I... I've got nothing. No rift activity registered. Nothing... at all.

**JACK:** Okay, weapons out everyone. I don't want anybody taking chances. Tosh, Ianto, stay here and guard the outside of the cottage. Listen out for anymore noises. If you notice _anything_ , let me know on the comms. Gwen, Owen, with me. We'll check out the inside of this thing, see if anyone is up for a friendly chat.  
  
_(JACK jerks his head towards the cottage, and GWEN and OWEN follow him, clutching their guns carefully. IANTO is gingerly holding his own weapon, his head darting around to take in the area around them. At the back of the stage, JACK kicks open the door, and all three walk through – leaving the stage. There is a long pause, in which both TOSH and IANTO look anxiously around them.)_

**TOSH:** You worried?  
  
_(IANTO gives a nervous huff of breath.)_

**IANTO:** A little.

**TOSH:** _(confidently, holding her gun steadily)  
_ Well, you don't need to be. That screech we heard... probably just a fox or something.

**IANTO:** Oh, right – can't have been anything to do with all those missing people that we're currently here to investigate, because that would just be illogical.  
  
_(TOSH shoots him a look, clearly recognising the dry sarcasm pervading his tone. IANTO sighs, and lowers his eyes.)_  
  
Sorry. I... I'm still not quite used to all of this, yet.

**TOSH:** _(softly)  
_ You're doing brilliantly. Just need something to take your mind off it.

**IANTO:** Like what?

**TOSH:** Like... who _was_ the last person you snogged?  
  
_(IANTO instantly coughs and fidgets, but can't help giving TOSH an amused smile when she giggles.)_

**IANTO:** You're just as bad as the others.  
  
_(IANTO rolls his eyes.)  
  
_ As long as you _promise_ not to tell Owen or Gwen, alright?

**TOSH:** _(nodding and smiling)  
_ Sure.

**IANTO:** It... was Jack.  
  
_(TOSH whips around to face IANTO and lets her mouth gape.)_

**TOSH:** No! Really! You... and Jack! Oh!  
  
_(A delighted grin lights up TOSH's face.)_  
  
Ianto, that's great!

**IANTO:** ...it is?

**TOSH:** Of course! Don't you see? You... fit together perfectly.  
  
_(IANTO smiles softly at TOSH.)  
  
_ All the flirting – I mean, Jack does flirt with anything gorgeous enough, but _especially_ with you – and all those _looks_ between the two of you... oh, I knew it!

**IANTO:** It's only just sort of happened recently, and well – I don't know what it _is_ , really, but...

**TOSH:** _(teasing)  
_ I can't believe you didn't tell me before, Ianto!

**IANTO:** _(slyly)  
_ You mean like how _you_ never told me about your particular feelings regarding Owen?  
  
_(TOSH blushes and narrows her eyes in a mock glare.)_

**TOSH:** That's... that's different, I was – it... I had mistletoe!

**IANTO:** Ah, well, that explains it then.  
  
_(IANTO winks at her. TOSH shakes her head, seeming to refocus.)_

**TOSH:** But – Jack! I mean... what's it _like_?  
  
_(IANTO bites his lip thoughtfully, and music starts up.)_

['I Feel Happy']  
_- > I Feel Pretty (West Side Story)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I feel happy  
Rather sappy  
It's so sappy how happy I am!  
Jack's so zappy  
But I really couldn't give a damn!  
  
_(IANTO's gun is slack in his grip, and now spreads out his arms in a carefree manner, allowing himself to smile.)_  
  
He's so charming  
Oh so charming  
It's alarming how charming he is!  
Makes me dizzy  
In a tizzy, but I want to be his!  
  
_(IANTO shakes his head bemusedly.)_  
  
Hear these crazy words flowing out of me?  
Where on earth are they coming from?  
Such a crazy thing  
And a crazy thought  
It's a crazy world  
But a crazy calm!  
  
I feel cheery  
Isn't it _dreary?_  
I should query why I feel this way!  
And to Jack  
I have no clue just what I should say!  
  
_(IANTO looks minutely embarrassed again, but TOSH lowers her gun now too, and steps over to stand in front of IANTO.)_

**TOSH: [sings]**  
Now listen, my good friend, Ianto  
There is no use doubting yourself  
I think deep down you already know  
This is not something you can just simply shelf!  
  
_(TOSH shakes her head, and moves out further to the edge of the stage. She throws her hands around for emphasis.)_  
  
You think that he's _nice  
_ You think that he's _fine_  
I will be precise –  
I think it's a sign!  
  
You can't blame the heat  
Or even our work  
I think that it's sweet  
I'll try not to smirk!  
  
_(TOSH sings this, ironically, with a playful smirk.)_  
  
You should just tell Jack  
How you're feeling  
That way he will know how you're dealing!  
  
I know it's scary  
But you're not alone  
I bet Jack's wary  
Like you, of the unknown!  
  
_(TOSH now moves back towards IANTO, and IANTO takes centre-stage again, looking much more reassured now.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I feel happy  
Oh so happy  
If it's sappy, then I don't care why!  
Jack's not shabby  
Indeed, his looks, you cannot hope to deny...  
  
_(TOSH shares a comical look of agreement at this statement.)_  
  
But it's frightful  
To be insightful  
It's so frightful how delightful I feel!  
Almost spiteful  
Doesn't seem to know just how he can appeal!  
  
_(IANTO rolls his eyes fondly.)  
  
_ Hear these crazy words flowing out of me?  
But oh how they seem to make sense!  
Such a crazy thing  
And a crazy thought  
It's a crazy world  
But no more pretence!  
  
I feel cheery  
It's just a theory  
But I'm very glad I feel this way!  
Now I know  
Just exactly what I need to say!  
  
_(Music finishes triumphantly, and IANTO and TOSH both grin widely at each other, flushed with their realisations. However, the cheerful music cuts off suddenly with another screech, and before either IANTO or TOSH can begin to react, two VILLAGERS run onstage. They have sacks over their heads, with holes cut for their eyes, but such that we cannot see their faces. They both carry shotguns. IANTO and TOSH scramble to raise and aim their guns, but they are too slow – one VILLAGER takes IANTO tumbling to the floor with a tackle, and the other VILLAGER strikes TOSH on the head. TOSH falls to the floor, already unconscious.)_

**IANTO:** Tosh? TOSH! Get off her!  
  
_(IANTO manages to connect his fist with the VILLAGER's head, but the other VILLAGER kicks him hard in the ribs, and IANTO doubles over, gasping for breath. IANTO raises his hand to his comms-link, desperately tapping it.)  
  
_ Jack! Come in, Jack! We need –  
  
_(IANTO is cut short by the VILLAGER shoving IANTO's head against the ground, ripping off his comms-link and throwing it across the stage. Meanwhile, the first VILLAGER gets up and smashes the end of the shotgun into IANTO's forehead. IANTO fall unconscious with a groan. One VILLAGER rips off TOSH's comms-link and throws it in the same direction as IANTO's. The two VILLAGERS hoist IANTO and TOSH's forms over their shoulders and jog away, leaving the stage in silence.)_


	13. Act II, Scene Five

16. ****Love Changes Everything:**** _Love Changes Everything ( Aspects Of Love)_ ** **  
****

 

**SCENE FIVE:**  
  
_[The stage is absolutely silent for a few moments more, until JACK suddenly bursts out of the cottage door into the middle of the stage.]_

**JACK:** Ianto? IANTO!  
  
_(He leans a hand on his knee as he catches his breath, and looks around wildly. GWEN and OWEN come crashing out of the door moments later.)_

**GWEN:** _(panting)  
_ Jack, what is it? What's going on?

**JACK:** Ianto, he... he just got cut off, mid sentence – damn it, where are they?

**GWEN:** _(shouting)_  
Ianto? Tosh?  
  
_(OWEN, who has been checking for any signs of what might have happened, spots both IANTO and TOSH's comms-link lying on the ground, and drops to his knees.)_

**OWEN:** _(breathes)  
_ Oh, hell.  
  
_(GWEN and JACK snap their heads in OWEN's direction, and OWEN stands, grimly holding the comms-link for the other two to see.)_

**GWEN:** Ohh, my god... that can't be good.  
  
_(Another screech sounds from offstage, and all three clutch their weapons tighter, looking around themselves.)_

**JACK:** We have to assume they've been taken, just like those missing people.

**OWEN:** Unless they're already dead! What if we're too late?!

**GWEN:** Don't, Owen.

**JACK:** Speculating isn't going to help anyone!

**OWEN:** So tell us what to do!  
  
_(JACK heaves a deep breath and opens his mouth, but before he can speak, another VILLAGER runs onstage, from the side that is closest to JACK. He also holds a shotgun, and is alone – he appears to be surprised to have stumbled across JACK, GWEN and OWEN. The VILLAGER raises his shotgun in a panic, but JACK is too quick, and fires two shots in the VILLAGER's direction. The VILLAGER crumples – he has been hit – but he is desperate to get away, and so half runs, half trips offstage. JACK is already running after him – he shouts to GWEN and OWEN over his shoulder.)_

**JACK:** There's another house further down, check it to see if anyone's there – and be careful! I'm going to find out what's really going on here!  
  
_(GWEN and OWEN stand watching for a second, as JACK disappears fully offstage. Sudden silence has been restored, and the two look at each other nervously.)_

**GWEN:** What was that – that thing, do you reckon? Couldn't see its face...

**OWEN:** Dunno. But whoever, or _whatever_ that was... we have to stop it.

**GWEN:** Come on.  
  
_(GWEN and OWEN start walking from one end of the stage to the other – the cottage _structure_ is rolled on wheels to indicate their travel, and another cottage rolls into view, stopping when GWEN and OWEN stop outside of it. They cautiously look around, both with their guns at the ready.)_

**OWEN:** It is far too quiet for my liking.

**GWEN:** Cover me, I'll see if I can get inside.  
  
_(OWEN turns his back on GWEN and stands guard, while GWEN braces herself against the door, gun poised. She counts down to herself.)  
  
_ One... two – three!  
  
_(GWEN throws herself against the door, and it crashes open – a screech sounds from within the cottage, and a gun-shot rings out at the same time that GWEN falls backwards – she's been injured. GWEN grabs at her side, where blood has splattered.)_

**OWEN:** Gwen! GWEN!  
  
_(OWEN keeps his gun pointing towards the door but falls to his knees beside GWEN. He doesn't have time to check her wound, however, as CHIEF VILLAGER with a sack over his head runs out with a gun pointing at OWEN.)_

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** Don't move an inch!  
  
_(OWEN freezes, his free hand putting pressure on GWEN's wound, blood seeping over his fingers, his other hand still pointing a gun at CHIEF VILLAGER. GWEN is convulsing slightly, not able to stop a bitten moan of pain. CHIEF VILLAGER whistles, short and sharp, and two other identically dressed VILLAGERS dart out of the cottage. One grabs OWEN and pulls him to his feet, despite his angry yells of protest, and the other roughly tips GWEN over his shoulder, causing her to let out a piercing scream of pain. Both of their comms-links, and their guns, are ripped away from them and discarded.)_

**OWEN:** Don't you bloody touch her! She's bleeding, she needs a hospital! Get your filthy hands the hell off'a me!  
  
_(CHIEF VILLAGER merely pushes the end of his gun into OWEN's back, shoving him through the cottage doorway. The VILLAGER carrying GWEN follows, and as they disappear inside, the cottage's structure begins to revolve around, turning 180 degrees so that we are now inside the cottage. Inside, we see shapes that look suspiciously like bodies covered in white plastic, hanging from the ceiling. We also see TOSH and IANTO bound by their wrists, each now conscious, but slumped against each other and against the wall. They also have material gagging their mouths, but we can hear their muffled cries of recognition when OWEN and GWEN come into their view.)_

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** Leave them here – let them watch their friends struggle.  
  
_(The VILLAGER carrying GWEN dumps her on the floor, and she cries out again, desperately holding her wound. OWEN swears and battles in his captor's hold.)_

**OWEN:** Let me go, she needs attention!  
  
_(After a pause, CHIEF VILLAGER nods curtly at the other VILLAGER.)_

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** Let him tend to her. We need them in a good state, after all.  
  
_(There is a strained silence in which OWEN rips off GWEN's leather jacket and pulls up her shirt. After a few moments of inspection, he nods to himself, and rips the bottom of her blouse off, tying it tightly around her waist to secure the wound. OWEN helps GWEN to sit up, and we see that her pain seems to have lessened a little – either from OWEN's makeshift bandage, or from shock, we can't be sure. OWEN speaks to her quietly.)_

**OWEN:** You've been bloody lucky love, the bullet only just grazed past you. Flesh wound. That should help hold it until we get out of here.  
  
_(At this, CHIEF VILLAGER lets out a bark of laughter.)_

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** I let you tend to her wound – I said nothing about letting you go.

**OWEN:** I wasn't asking your permission, thanks!

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** You have no chance of escape.

**OWEN:** I think it's about time you tell us what the hell is going on here. Who are you? What planet are you from?  
  
_(The three VILLAGERS laugh at this, and all three rip the sacks off their heads. They are definitely human.)_

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** This one, of course. What other 'planet' would we be from? You think we're Martians from Mars, huh?  
  
_(OWEN, and indeed the rest of the team, are shocked to see that the VILLAGERS are indeed human – in all honestly, it would have been easier to deal with aliens about now.)_

**OWEN:** _(recovering)  
_ What have you done with the missing people?  
  
_(The VILLAGERS smirk, and CHIEF VILLAGER leans closer to OWEN, looking him straight in the eyes.)_

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** Obvious, isn't it?  
  
_(He waves a hand dismissively at the white plastic hanging 'things', and the team's worst fears are confirmed.)_

**GWEN:** _(a little weakly, but determined)  
_ Just tell us what's going on, and we can help you.

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** Ohh no, sweetheart. We're a bit beyond all that. Now. All this talk is boring me. How about... I _show_ you instead?  
  
_(CHIEF VILLAGER starts stalking towards IANTO and TOSH, who both tense up and start struggling a little. OWEN makes a noise of protest but is held back firmly by one of the VILLAGERS.)_  
  
I am simply spoilt for choice with these two – they both look so... tasty. Best meat we've ever had, I reckon.

**OWEN:** _(voice breaking in disgust)  
_ Meat!?

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** That's right. You're all just meat, I'm afraid. Pity, really – these two are really very pretty, too. But don't worry. We'll make a special occasion for it. Hmm... how about you first, princess?  
  
_(CHIEF VILLAGER leers at TOSH, who lets out a scream over the material covering her mouth. He stops at her feet, grinning widely down at her. IANTO stares at him with fearful eyes.)_  
  
I'll let your little gang watch, so they know exactly what's coming for them too.

**OWEN:** Get the hell away from her!

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** Ohh, how touching. I'd get a better boyfriend, if I were you, princess – how useful can he be if he can't even save you?  
  
_(CHIEF VILLAGER slowly leans down, drawing closer to TOSH, reaching out a hand to cup her face and trail slowly down her body, down to her breasts... TOSH is struggling in vain, tears beginning to form in her eyes. However, IANTO suddenly manages to flick his feet upwards to hit CHIEF VILLAGER squarely in the groin, and he lets out a grunt, falling forwards. IANTO then head-butts CHIEF VILLAGER, and yells indistinguishably at TOSH through the material – she has a free passage. Without wasting any time, TOSH pushes herself forcefully to her feet and sprints as fast as she can towards the door.)_

**OWEN:** Go, Tosh! Run!  
  
_(Catching on, OWEN quickly tackles one of the other VILLAGERS around the legs, tripping over this VILLAGER and the other one. TOSH manages to escape, but OWEN and IANTO – and GWEN – have no chance. OWEN is shoved by the neck to the ground and held there, and CHIEF VILLAGER now recovers enough to snarl in IANTO's face and bash his head against the wall, throwing a punch at his jaw, and fingers curling around his throat.)_

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** How _dare_ you let my little princess escape! Boys – let the others know that she's loose. I won't have my work ruined!  
  
_(One VILLAGER leaves the other containing GWEN and OWEN, and crosses the room to pick up a walkie-talkie – he mutters indistinctly into it. CHIEF VILLAGER, meanwhile, now grins spitefully into IANTO's face.)  
  
_ No matter. It just means you'll be first... eye candy, I think I'll call this one. Eye candy... yes. You'll be first.  
  
_(CHIEF VILLAGER holds IANTO's shirt-collar so that he is more upright, and sits over him, his other hand poised to – to strike IANTO? To touch him? However, OWEN takes a stab at distracting him.)_

**OWEN:** The first for what, exactly? Why did you take those people?

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** _(after a pause, he turns to face OWEN)  
_ They were travellers, through our countryside... the people most likely to go missing. It was easy enough to lure them into our traps.

**OWEN:** But why? What the hell did you need them for?

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** Our harvest, of course!  
  
_(Manic grins spread over all of the VILLAGERS faces.)_

**OWEN:** Sorry, your _what_?

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** It's our village tradition. We need meat, and every ten years... we hunt.  
  
_(A sickly silence descends, as the realisation sinks into OWEN, GWEN and IANTO. IANTO begins shaking noticeably, GWEN shoves her forearm over her mouth, in case she loses it, and OWEN turns paler.)_

**OWEN:** _(barely a whisper)  
_ You're... you're cannibals.  
  
_(Just then, we hear a distant commotion, before TOSH and several more VILLAGERS tumble inside the cottage. TOSH is distinctly more roughed up now, with a patch of blood covering some of her forehead/hairline.)_

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** And now, we've caught you.  
  
_(CHIEF VILLAGER pushes IANTO's neck back against the wall, shoving his head back to expose his neck. He runs his hands over IANTO's chest, trailing suggestively over the front of his pants – IANTO's breathing is shallow, and his struggling is weak, but he still tries to escape CHIEF VILLAGER's hand. Smirking, CHIEF VILLAGER removes his trailing hand, and reaches instead for his back pocket, pulling out a small but sharp meat cleaver. IANTO lets out a shocked yell when he sees it, as do the rest of the team.)_

**TOSH:** No! IANTO!

**GWEN:** Don't you dare hurt him!

**OWEN:** You sick fuckers, let him go! For fuck's sake – only in the _bloody_ countryside!  
  
_(CHIEF VILLAGER ignores the team's shouts, and brings the meat cleaver up to rest against IANTO's neck. IANTO has now frozen, his eyes wide, and is moaning in fear against the material in his mouth. However, just as CHIEF VILLAGER leans closer and begins to press it into IANTO's skin, a massive crash shakes the whole cottage structure, and JACK arrives onstage, driving a tractor, with the triumphant music of '51 st Century Pheromones' accompanying him. CHIEF VILLAGER drops the meat cleaver in surprise, and JACK jumps down from the tractor. The VILLAGERS reach for their shotguns, but have been too startled – and are too slow. JACK fires shot after shot at them, and one by one, the VILLAGERS fall – not dead, but seriously injured. JACK finally dashes across the stage to CHIEF VILLAGER – who has been shot in the leg – and pulls him up by his shirt, shoving the barrel of his gun right under his chin. JACK is face to face with him, and is flashing his teeth – absolutely furious, and disgusted.)_

**GWEN:** _(feebly)  
_ Jack? Stop... stop.

**JACK:** I can't believe what you're doing here. You don't deserve a warning. I oughta shoot you right here, right now.

**CHIEF VILLAGER:** _(still with his crazy grin, splutters)  
_ Go on then, shoot me!  
  
_(JACK growls in his face, holding his shirt tighter. IANTO begins to slump down the wall, seeming to be losing consciousness again – his movement attracting TOSH's attention.)_

**TOSH:** Jack... call the police, let them deal with them. We... Ianto needs you!  
  
_(JACK tenses, and rips his gaze away from CHIEF VILLAGER to look wildly at TOSH. For the first time, he seems to notice how badly injured his team is – he has been too focused on his anger at the VILLAGERS. JACK looks down at IANTO, and a flash of agony passes over his face. With one final glare at CHIEF VILLAGER, JACK lets him drop to the floor.)_

**JACK:** Owen, get the girls outside, and call an ambulance, and the police. I'll get Ianto.  
  
_(OWEN nods and checks that TOSH can walk okay by herself – albeit limping – and then supports GWEN as gently as he can, without aggravating her wound. As they head for the exit, JACK falls to his knees beside IANTO, and now lets a look of pure horror come over his face.)  
  
_ Oh god... what have they done to you?  
  
_(JACK reaches out and tentatively strokes IANTO's hair, blood coming away on his hand. IANTO seems to feel JACK's presence, and stirs feebly, his eyelids fluttering.)_

**IANTO:** _(slurring)  
_ Jack? That you?  
  
_(JACK takes a shuddering breath before he replies. His voice is shaking and quiet.)_

**JACK:** Yeah, it's me. I'm here now, you're okay.

**IANTO:** I'm... sorry, Jack. Couldn't... couldn't stop them...  
  
_(His eyelids close and his body fall limp once more. JACK sets his jaw and tries to pull IANTO to his feet as carefully as he can. OWEN re-enters the cottage alone, and comes over to help JACK support IANTO.)_

**OWEN:** Lucky you turned up when you did, Jack. These people...  
  
_(OWEN gives a disgusted look around the cottage at the fallen VILLAGERS.)_

**JACK:** That one that I shot, he told me where they all were. What they were doing. I knew that they'd have caught you.

**OWEN:** Where is he?

**JACK:** _(shortly, without sympathy)  
_ He's dead.  
  
_(JACK and OWEN manoeuvre IANTO over to the door.)  
  
_ I want you to check him over, the girls too. When the ambulance comes, let them know what's needed, go with them to the hospital. I don't want any of them spending any more time in hospital than they have to – use the Torchwood priority code.  
  
_(A pause, in which JACK looks OWEN over.)_  
  
Are you alright?

**OWEN:** Few bruises, I'll live. The ambulance and police should be here any minute. You going to make sure these lot get locked up for life?

**JACK:** _(face set grimly)  
_ That's if they're lucky. The police owe me a lot of favours. Now get going. I'll bring the SUV back, and meet you there.  
  
_(OWEN nods and takes IANTO out of the cottage. JACK now walks back over the stage, past the VILLAGERS, and out into the centre of the stage. The lights dim, so that we can only just see the VILLAGERS and cottage behind Jack. POLICE officers begin to come on stage and take the VILLAGERS away.)_

['Love Changes Everything']

**JACK: [sings]**  
Love  
Love changes everything  
All around and inside me  
  
Love  
Love changes everything  
How you live and how you see  
  
Love  
Makes me act differently  
Care too much – I am in too deep!  
  
Yes, love  
Love changes everything  
Makes me vulnerable, makes me feel  
Nothing I think of can ever be this real  
  
_(JACK walks to one side of the stage, and the last VILLAGER and POLICE officer leave the stage. The lights now go out, except for a spotlight on JACK, to secure our focus on him.)  
  
_ Love  
Love changes everything  
It's a danger, makes no sense  
  
Love  
Love changes everything  
It's not for me, too intense  
  
Love  
Would turn me upside down  
I swore I'd never fall again  
  
Yes, love  
Love changes everything  
I'm his Captain – not ideal!  
Nothing I think of can ever be this real  
  
_(JACK moves back to the centre of the stage once more.)  
  
_ I  
Don't think I can say no  
To this feeling, to myself  
  
Love  
Is taking over me  
It can't be good for my health!  
  
Love  
Makes a big fool of me  
All my rules I've made are broken  
  
Yes, love  
Love changes everything  
But for me, it just can't heal  
  
Nothing else but love could make me feel so real  
Nothing else but love could make me feel so real!  
  
_(The music dies away, but JACK stands still, looking up into the spotlight until it is extinguished.)_


	14. Act II, Scene Six

17\. **The Doctor And I:** _The Wizard And I ( Wicked)_ (written by John Barrowman himself, no credit to me! I just changed "TV" to "the Earth", as it makes more sense.)

18\. **What I've Waited For:** _Close Every Door_ _( Joseph And The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat)_

 

**SCENE SIX:**  
  
_[We are now back inside the Hub – a week or so has passed. GWEN, TOSH and OWEN are not there at present – they are out getting the team some lunch, as will be revealed soon. JACK is in his office, sitting at his desk, but he is not doing work – IANTO is in his office also. He is leaning on JACK's desk, in front of JACK, so that they are very comfortably intimate. IANTO's hands rest on the desk on either side of his body, and JACK has one hand covering one of IANTO's.]_

**IANTO:** I don't care that the others aren't here – it's still technically work hours – _sir_.

**JACK:** Oh! I thought we were past the 'sir' stage.

**IANTO:** Making a point. _Sir_.

**JACK:** What if I am to... _persuade_ you otherwise?  
  
_(JACK is practically purring, but IANTO merely raises an eyebrow. JACK stands and presses himself teasingly close against IANTO, one hand still covering IANTO's and placing the other hand on IANTO's hips. IANTO straightens and almost jerks closer to JACK. They both breathe heavily, and JACK wastes no time in locking lips with IANTO. IANTO doesn't struggle, but enjoys the kiss for a few moments. Then IANTO uses his free hand to push against JACK's chest lightly.)_

**IANTO:** I must say... your techniques of persuasion are _rather_ enjoyable... but the others will be back with lunch any minute.

**JACK:** There's always room for one more...

**IANTO:** _(shuddering)  
_ Don't think I could look at any of them the same way again...  
  
_(IANTO begins to extract himself from JACK's hold, but JACK pouts. However, JACK's expression becomes more serious when IANTO gives a small wince and rests his hand gently on his ribs.)_

**JACK:** I thought they were meant to be healed up by now –  
  
_(IANTO smiles softly at JACK, placing a finger against JACK's lips to hush him.)_

**IANTO:** They are, pretty much. Just twinge every now and then. Nothing I can't handle.  
  
_(JACK brushes his hand over IANTO's, where it rests on his chest, before eventually smiling back at IANTO.)_  
  
Now... I really do have to nip out – we're out of coffee, going to have to settle for takeaway. I do believe _you_ are to blame for that.  
  
_(JACK looks suitably mollified now, and lets out a fake gasp of hurt.)_

**JACK:** Don't know what you mean!  
  
_(IANTO just grins at him, and finally extracts himself from JACK's hold.)  
  
_ Ianto...!  
  
_(JACK half-heartedly tries to beg, and places his hands together in prayer, but IANTO has a nerve of steel.)_

**IANTO:** Perhaps if you tackle that paperwork on your desk, I might reconsider.  
  
_(JACK mock salutes IANTO with a blinding grin.)_

**JACK:** Sir, yes, sir!  
  
_(IANTO rolls his eyes but can't help chuckling.)_

**IANTO:** See you soon, Jack.  
  
_(He leaves JACK's office, and walks down the spiral staircase. JACK settles himself in at his desk, and picks up his pen to actually start working as IANTO leaves the Hub – the cogwheel siren sounding. All is silent for a few moments. However, then, we can hear a distant sound, a distinct, unique sound that could only belong to... the TARDIS! JACK's head snaps up and he jumps to his feet.)_

**JACK:** No... it can't be! ...is it?  
  
_(JACK vault-jumps over his desk and lands on the floor, and rummages around under his desk. He throws things out of the way, when he picks up a peculiar object, beholding it with wonder. It is a hand in a jar, with a strange sort of glowing gel inside it. The gel is glowing blue and the lights on the jar are lighting up and beeping quietly.)  
  
_ It... it must be! The Doctor!  
  
_(The music starts up, and JACK lifts the hand in the jar up to his head height triumphantly.)_

['The Doctor And I']

**JACK: [sings]**  
When I meet the Doctor  
Once I prove my worth  
And then I meet the Doctor  
What I've waited for since... since birth!  
  
And with all his Doctor wisdom  
By my looks he won't be blinded  
Do you think the Doctor is dumb?  
Or like Oods, he's so small minded? No!  
  
_(JACK puts down the hand in a jar on his desk, and starts circling his desk, getting more and more excited at the memories flooding back.)  
_  
He'll say to me, I see who you truly are, Jack!  
A man on whom I can rely  
And that's how we'll begin  
The Doctor and I!  
  
Once you're with the Doctor  
Your whole life will change!  
'Cause once you're with the Doctor  
You are not estranged!  
  
No mother is not proud of you  
No brother acts ashamed  
And all of time has to love you  
When by the Doctor you're acclaimed!  
  
_(JACK runs to get his coat from where it hangs on the other side of his office, and puts it on proudly.)_  
  
And this gift or this curse I have inside  
Maybe at last I'll know why  
When we are hand in hand  
The Doctor and I!  
  
One day he'll say to me, Jack, my boy  
A man who is so superior  
Shouldn't a man who's so good inside  
Have a different exterior?  
  
_(JACK is preening, pretending to wipe invisible lint from his jacket, proudly straightening the collar, etc.)_  
  
And some folks believe it's a fantasy  
That in you there's a good man to see  
So they'll appreciate you...  
May I de-fabricate you?  
  
_(JACK has pretended to hold out a hand and curtsey to someone (presumably THE DOCTOR) and now winks, pretending to be flattered.)  
  
_ And no, of course that's not important to me  
Alright, why not? I'll reply!  
Oh, what a pair we'll be  
The Doctor and I!  
  
Yes! What a pair we'll be  
The Doctor and...  
  
_(JACK, who has been prancing around his office, now comes to a halt, and looks at himself. He closes his eyes, briefly pained, and touches the hand in the jar again.)  
_  
Unlimited...  
My future is unlimited...  
And I've just had a vision  
Almost like a prophecy  
  
I know it sounds truly crazy  
And true the vision's hazy!  
But I swear someday there'll be  
A celebration throughout time  
That's all to do with me!  
  
_(JACK holds a striking pose, once more excited about the prospect of travelling with THE DOCTOR again.)_  
  
And I'll stand there with the Doctor  
Feeling things I've never felt!  
And though I'd never show it  
I'll be so happy I could melt!  
  
And so it will be for the rest of my life  
And I'll want nothing else 'til I die!  
  
Held in such high esteem!  
When people see me they will scream!  
As part of the Earth's favourite team!  
The Doctor and I!  
  
_(Music finishes with a triumph, and JACK is pumped, ready to go. He picks up the hand in the jar, and rips open his office door. JACK bounds down the spiral staircase. However, when he reaches the bottom, he stumbles to a halt. He has arrived at a moment of indecision.)_  
  
Ianto... my team... could I – could I leave them?

['What I've Waited For']

**JACK: [sings]**  
It's what I've waited for  
For a century or more  
After the Doctor  
Left me on my own  
  
But now, my heart has changed  
And these plans I'd arranged  
I am no longer  
Unloved and alone  
  
_(JACK looks around the Hub with a small smile on his face, thinking of his team and IANTO. He then contemplates the hand in the jar.)_  
  
If my questions weren't important I  
Would stay here 'til the day I die  
But I know the answers lie  
Far from this world  
  
It's what I've waited for  
Wondering if there's a cure  
The Doctor would know  
If he can fix me...  
  
_(JACK has begun to convince himself, and he looks at the hand in the jar with a smile. He takes one last look around the Hub as he sings the last verse, already walking towards offstage.)  
  
_ For I know I shall find  
My own peace of mind  
For then I will finally know  
What's happened to me!  
  
_(JACK runs offstage, and we hear the TARDIS' noise again as it takes off. There is silence for a few moments, before the cogwheel siren goes off. Into the Hub walks GWEN, OWEN, TOSH, and IANTO. GWEN is holding bags of Chinese takeaway, and IANTO holds a tray of takeaway coffee. They are all chatting amongst themselves, ready for a lunch break.)_

**GWEN:**... and then Owen uses the worst pick up line _ever_ – even worse than what Jack comes out with sometimes! The poor girl serving us didn't know what had hit her!

**OWEN:** Well, it's not my fault some people can't see the art that goes into it, is it?

**IANTO:** I suppose Jack's dashing demeanour makes up for his lack of originality, unlike you, Owen!

**OWEN:** Oi!  
  
_(slyly)  
_  
You'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Ianto?  
  
_(IANTO keeps his cool and even gives a playful smirk.)_

**IANTO:** As a matter of fact, I would. Jack saves all his best lines for me.  
  
_(The girls giggle at this, and OWEN mimes being sick, but with a grin on his face. IANTO shakes his head at his team's antics, and sets down their coffees on the desk next to them.)  
  
_ Here's your coffee – not the best, I'm afraid, but somehow our coffee supply has been depleted...  
  
_(IANTO picks up his own coffee and picks up another one.)_  
  
I'll go summon the Captain.

**OWEN:** Tell him to hurry up or I'll eat his share of the dumplings!  
  
_(IANTO hides a smile and leaves the team setting up lunch on the couch and on the desk. He makes his way up the spiral staircase, and goes to knock on the door, only to realise that it's already open. IANTO stops and peers inside the office.)_

**IANTO:** Jack?  
  
_(He takes a few steps inside, and looks down in surprise at the mess on the floor.)  
  
_ I thought I just cleaned up in here!  
  
_(IANTO sets the coffee down on the desk, and looks around again. He picks up a few things and replaces them to where they belong. He then stops, and seems to realise that something is missing. IANTO now stoops over and starts searching, pulling out more items. He gets more and more frantic, before standing up suddenly. As if in a trance, IANTO goes to where JACK's coat had previously been hanging, and feels at the empty air, as if he can't believe that the coat cannot be there.)_

**GWEN:** _(yelling from downstairs)  
_ Oi, you two! Stop canoodling and get down here!  
  
_(IANTO automatically smoothes down his suit, and straightens his tie. We can see that he is composing himself, and carefully arranging his face into a blank, emotionless mask. He leaves the coffee in the office and walks out of it, taking measured steps, and makes his way down the spiral staircase. GWEN doesn't look up as she speaks to him.)  
  
_ Good, here you are...  
  
_(TOSH, however, has looked up, and stares at IANTO with the beginnings of concern written on her face.)_

**TOSH:** Ianto? Is something wrong?  
  
_(GWEN and OWEN now look at IANTO too, and IANTO clears his throat awkwardly before raising his head to look at them.)_

**IANTO:** Jack's gone.

**GWEN:** What? Why would Jack go out when he knew we were bringing lunch back? God, obnoxious twat, we wouldn't have bothered if we knew it was going to get cold!  
  
_(IANTO takes a deep breath, bites his lip, before shaking his head.)_

**IANTO:** No. He... he hasn't just gone out. He's... left us. I mean, the hand is gone – and his coat – and – he's really gone.  
  
_(His increasing babble appears to be more to himself, as the others can't make sense of it.)_

**OWEN:** What are you going on about, mate?

**TOSH:** Hand – what hand?

**GWEN:** Ianto, what's going on?  
  
_(IANTO wrings his wrists, no longer able to hide the frightened anguish on his face.)_

**IANTO:** Jack has left us – he's left with the Doctor!  
  
_(There's a stunned silence, where none of them move, all taking in IANTO's words – including IANTO himself.)_

**OWEN:** You mean... the Doctor, as in... _the_ Doctor? The one who put a stop to the battle at Canary Wharf?

**TOSH:** The one who stopped that Prime Minister – Margaret Blaine, right?

**GWEN:** What on earth would Jack run off with him, then?  
  
_(Another shocked silence, before IANTO gives a sigh.)_

**IANTO:** It's kind of a long story. I don't know all the details – I'm not sure that Jack's told anyone the full story. I don't think he knows it all himself.  
  
_(IANTO turns and walks a few steps away from the others, facing away from them, facing the audience, but looking upwards, distractedly.)  
  
_ At some point in his past, Jack met the Doctor, and started travelling with him. Through space and time, you know. But then...  
  
_(IANTO fidgets with his shirt sleeve cuffs.)  
  
_ Something happened to him. Jack says he can't explain it, he doesn't know what exactly happened... but he can't die.  
  
_(All three make exclamations.)_

**GWEN:** What do you mean, he can't die?!

**OWEN:** That... that's not possible!  
  
_(IANTO interrupts their babble, looking like he is trying to stop himself looking agitated.)_

**IANTO:** I mean, he can't die! You remember that Mara-Fairy a little while back?  
  
_(They nod.)  
  
_ Well... when I went back for Jack, he was lying there, dead as anything. The Mara-Fairy had got him in – in the neck, in the chest... he had no pulse.  
  
_(IANTO takes a deep breath, still facing away from the others.)_  
  
Jack... was dead. But then, he suddenly took this – big gasp of breath, and... and he was alive again.

**OWEN:** Maybe you just couldn't find the pulse?

**IANTO:** No, Owen. His neck was sliced open. Nobody could have survived that. You saw how much blood he had on him afterwards, and not a single scratch.  
  
_(IANTO gives a humourless snort.)_  
  
He told you it was the Mara-Fairy's blood. But he told me... he died, and then came back.

**TOSH:** You mean... he's immortal?  
  
_(IANTO turns around and looks at the team.)_

**IANTO:** Yeah.

**GWEN:** And this happened when Jack was with this Doctor, then?

**IANTO:** That's what he's told me.

**GWEN:** So why's the Doctor come back now? I mean, Jack could have gone back to him anytime.  
  
_(Everyone looks at IANTO, who shrugs helplessly.)_

**IANTO:** That's all I know!

**OWEN:** But how do you know that Jack has gone off with his Doctor?  
  
_(IANTO flinches at 'his' Doctor, but tries to hide the reaction.)_

**IANTO:** Jack had this... this hand, in a jar, under his desk. It was the Doctor's hand. And now, it's gone.  
  
_(Stunned silence. OWEN lets out a low whistle.)_

**OWEN:** Bloody hell.

**GWEN:** But surely Jack would tell us, before leaving. Why would Jack just leave us like this?  
  
_(IANTO's voice is narrowly close to becoming hysterical – or, at least, very uneven and shaky.)_

**IANTO:** I don't know!  
  
_(IANTO quickly turns around and strides swiftly offstage, his head bowed as he goes. The other three exchange looks at his departure.)_

**GWEN:** What are we supposed to do without our leader?  
  
_(They look at each other, unable to answer this. The lights go down.)_


	15. Act II, Scene Seven

19. ****We Are Not So Unalike:**** _If I Only Had A Brain ( Wizard of Oz)_ **  
**

 

**SCENE SEVEN:**  
  
_[New setting opens – JACK lies in the middle of the stage, sprawled awkwardly, and dead. There seems to be a set of doors to one side of the stage. They are blue, and say "Police Phone Box" on top of them – this is the TARDIS! The doors are shut, and there is no noise at this time. After a few moments, JACK suddenly gasps back into life, flailing around but finding nobody to hold onto. He gasps for breath and pushes himself into a sitting position, groaning and holding his stomach as he does so.]_

**JACK:** Arrgh! Time travelling never used to take so much out of me. Although I guess last time I was _inside_ the TARDIS, not clinging onto the outside.  
  
_(JACK notices that the hand in the jar is lying to one side, and he gets to his feet and picks it up. It is then that he turns and sees the TARDIS at the side of the stage. He laughs in delight and triumph.)  
  
_ Ha, ha! Finally.  
  
_(JACK strides over to the TARDIS doors, and stops in front of them. He takes a deep breath, grins to himself, and knocks smartly on the doors. He takes a step backwards, and waits eagerly. A few seconds of suspense. The doors of the TARDIS then fly open, and THE DOCTOR steps out. THE DOCTOR is wearing his usual attire of a brown pinstriped suit with Converse sneakers to match. However, he is also wearing a pink Hawaiian lei, sunglasses, and a wide-brimmed hat. He hasn't seemed to have heard the knocks, but is getting ready to bound out to his destination. Instead, he pulls up short when he sees JACK.)_

**THE DOCTOR:**...what?!  
  
_(His expression is one of utter confusion – a strange look on the Doctor.)_

**JACK:** Doctor!  
  
_(JACK's grin spreads over his whole face.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** ...WHAT! How did you – why are you – Jack?

**JACK:** A 'hello' would be nice – what are you _wearing_?!  
  
_(THE DOCTOR takes a few steps forwards, peering at JACK, and answers absently.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** Going sight-seeing on Midnight, the Winter Witch Canyon – always worth a visit...  
  
_(THE DOCTOR starts to slowly circle JACK. JACK, meanwhile, eyes THE DOCTOR's lei and sunglasses incredulously.)_

**JACK:** Uh, winter...?

**THE DOCTOR:** It's a planet of leisure, I can wear whatever I like! Don't people wear sunglasses on holiday?  
  
_(JACK opens his mouth to reply but THE DOCTOR suddenly comes to a stop right in front of JACK, staring intently into his face. He starts talking to himself.)_  
  
Ohh... of course. You were in Cardiff. I was just making a pit stop, that Rift of yours is quite handy. You heard the TARDIS – well, hard to miss the old girl. But you – hang on, did you _hold onto the TARDIS_ to travel with me?  
  
_(JACK appears to turn up his nose.)_

**JACK:** You started leaving before I could knock. I wasn't going to let you leave me behind again.  
  
_(BOTH are suddenly sober at the mention of this. THE DOCTOR looks away, at the audience, and JACK continues to stare at THE DOCTOR.)  
  
_ I... I have your hand.  
  
_(These words are spoken softly. THE DOCTOR jumps slightly and peers at the hand in the jar.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** So you do! Christmas Day?

**JACK:** Yep.

**THE DOCTOR:** Ah. Swordfight. Wasn't ideal, you understand, losing a hand. But... a small sacrifice to make. Besides, grew back alright, didn't it!  
  
_(THE DOCTOR waves both his hands at JACK, a dreamy grin coming over his face as he remembers this. JACK stays silent for a few seconds, and THE DOCTOR's grin fades as he looks back at JACK.)_  
  
So. Long time, no see, Jack.

**JACK:** Yeah, you could say that. Been busy?

**THE DOCTOR:** Oh, you know, the usual. Bit of this, bit of that. New places, new faces.

**JACK:** I can imagine.  
  
_(There is a pause, in which the tension that has mounted during the small talk comes to a peak. THE DOCTOR looks around distractedly, over JACK's head, while JACK stares intently at THE DOCTOR.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** So, how –  
  
_(JACK, however, interrupts this ramble, too impatient for anymore small talk – atypical for him.)_

**JACK:** Doctor. Why... why _did_ you leave me behind, before?  
  
_(THE DOCTOR sighs, and puts his hands in his pockets. He walks up to JACK, and circles him, before looking away. JACK turns so that he is still looking at him, now clutching the hand in the jar close to his chest.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** It was never supposed to happen. _You_ were never supposed to happen.  
  
_(He swings around to face JACK.)  
  
_ It was Rose. She looked into the heart of the TARDIS, just after you'd been exterminated by the Daleks. She... she could do anything she wanted to, with that kind of power.  
  
_(JACK gasps in understanding.)_

**JACK:** "I bring life..." – that's what she said! I heard her... oh, Rose. You mean... she did this to me?  
  
_(THE DOCTOR begins to pace around the stage.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** Rose brought you back to life. Made you a fixed point in time. The TARDIS... the Time Lords... a fixed point in time is an abhorrence, to us. You, Jack, are impossible.  
  
_(JACK gives a small chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.)_

**JACK:** Wouldn't be the first time I've heard that!  
  
_(THE DOCTOR turns slowly to look JACK in the face.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** You're wrong, Jack.  
  
_(JACK takes a sharp intake of breath, and looks away. We don't miss a shadow of pain fly across his face. He doesn't say anything. THE DOCTOR continues in a low voice.)  
  
_ It hurts just looking at you, Jack. I had to get away – the TARDIS flew through 700 galaxies, to get away from you. You're... you're just wrong.  
  
_(JACK tears his eyes away from the ground and looks at THE DOCTOR desperately. He takes a faltering step towards him.)_

**JACK:** Can you fix me?  
  
_(THE DOCTOR and JACK stare at each other for a second, and music starts up. THE DOCTOR marches a little way up the stage in response to the music's melody.)_

['We Are Not So Unalike']

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]**  
Immortality's not easy  
It really makes me queasy  
But now I must confess  
  
You are looking at a man  
Whose future also has no plan  
I am like you, I profess!  
  
_(THE DOCTOR does a little jig-step the tune, a grin beginning to grow on his face – he can't take things too seriously, as that is how THE DOCTOR rolls.)  
  
_ Just like you, I cannot die  
Though in my case I know why  
Known since I was a tyke  
  
It's the burden of a Time Lord  
After a death, I'm restored –  
We are not so unalike!  
  
_(JACK places the hand in the jar down on the ground, and he steps closer to THE DOCTOR, a hopeful look in his eyes.)_

**JACK:** **[sings]**  
But why? Please tell me why?  
I have become like you  
It is both a blessing and a curse, it's true  
Could you fix me? Do you know how to?  
_  
(THE DOCTOR now circles away from JACK in time to the music.)_

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]**  
There's no easy way to say  
That there simply is no way  
For you to go back  
  
I hope you can accept  
That for once, I am inept  
You must stay immortal, Jack!  
  
_(The music ends, and JACK now sinks to the floor, staring blankly ahead. THE DOCTOR stands beside him, silent, watching.)_

**JACK:** After you left me... I used my wrist-strap to transport me back to Earth.  
  
_(JACK pushes up his sleeve to show his wrist-strap.)  
  
_ But I got the timing a little wrong. I knew you'd be back in Cardiff for the Rift around the 21st Century – but I accidentally ended up at the end of the 19th Century.  
  
_(JACK shakes his head, a bittersweet smile playing on his lips.)  
  
_ This thing went and broke –  
  
_(He shakes his wrist-strap.)  
  
_ – and so I was stuck there. I waited over 100 years for you... fought and lived through the World Wars... I died, so many times... and kept coming back. I _had_ to wait for you – you were the only one who could explain.

**THE DOCTOR:** Jack. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  
  
_(THE DOCTOR squats down beside JACK, looking at JACK with a sincere look on his face.)_  
  
I would never wish this on anyone. I know what it's like, almost unbearable, surviving, when no one else does.

**JACK:** I've seen so many people die... so many friends, all the people I've loved and cared for – they all died.  
  
_(He forces himself to meet THE DOCTOR's gaze, a single tear falling down his cheek.)  
  
_ It's... how do you cope?  
  
_(THE DOCTOR doesn't answer, just stares steadily. JACK shakes his head, giving a small humourless snort at his own words. THE DOCTOR gives a small sigh.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** You just have to keep moving forwards. Making the most of the present, the most of now.  
  
_(THE DOCTOR clears his throat, suddenly leaping to his feet.)  
  
_ Which is what I plan to do now! _I_ am officially on holiday. Palace of Leisure, here I come!  
  
_(THE DOCTOR starts to walk off, and JACK quickly scrambles to his feet after him.)_

**JACK:** Hang on! I... I can't go with you! I...  
  
_(However, THE DOCTOR has already skipped offstage, leaving JACK looking after him, torn with indecision. He lowers his voice to speak to himself.)  
  
_ If you can't help me... then why am I here?  
  
_(Suddenly, there is a loud crash and THE DOCTOR falls back onstage, and runs towards JACK.)_  
  
Doctor?

**THE DOCTOR:** Turns out we're not on Midnight after all – and these people don't seem to understand the concept of leisure!  
  
_(He passes JACK, who is still standing in the middle of the stage, confused, when around six blue ALIENS run onstage, all shouting and waving their fists. They have human-like faces, but have ropey hair and spiky tails, and do not look happy at THE DOCTOR's intrusion. JACK's mouth drops open.)_  
  
And I was really looking forward to the Anti-Gravity Restaurant. Ah well, come on Jack – just like old times!

**JACK:** Doctooooor!  
  
_(JACK turns and quickly runs after THE DOCTOR. They both run offstage, the ALIENS behind them.)_

**END OF ACT II.**


	16. Act III, Scene One

20. ****Jack Will Come Back Soon:**** _Any Dream Will Do_ _( Joseph And The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat)_

 

**ACT III**

**SCENE ONE:**  
  
_[We are now back in the Torchwood Hub. Time has passed – it's been a month or so since JACK left with THE DOCTOR. Currently, GWEN and TOSH are sitting at their desks, each working quietly on their computers. OWEN is over in the autopsy room, seeming to be running tests on some kind of skeleton. IANTO is at the kitchenette, working the coffee machine. There is silence, save the noises of the coffee machine, and then IANTO pouring it into four mugs. He places them all on trays and starts to deliver them around to everyone.]_

**TOSH:** Thanks, Ianto.  
  
_(TOSH gives him a small smile, which he tries to return. As he moves onto GWEN, TOSH ignores her work for once and watches him, biting her lip.)_

**GWEN:** Ohh, thank you, sweetheart.  
  
_(IANTO nods to her, and starts to walk over to OWEN. GWEN also watches him, and then exchanges a worried look with TOSH. Both girls sip at their coffees.)_

**OWEN:** Mmmm, just what I need! You are _gorgeous_.  
  
_(At this, IANTO manages to crack a dry smile, rolling his eyes at OWEN's antics. OWEN abandons his skeleton and takes a great gulp of coffee, giving a small moan of appreciation. After a moment of enjoyment, he looks past IANTO at the girls, and meets their eyes. IANTO turns and heads back to the kitchenette, head bowed, looking at the ground. He picks up his own coffee, and nurses it between his hands, leaning back against the kitchenette counter. GWEN nods her head in OWEN's direction, signalling to TOSH that they should go over to speak with OWEN, near the autopsy room.)_

**GWEN:** We have to do something about Ianto.  
  
_(All three gaze awkwardly into their coffee mugs.)_

**TOSH:** Ianto and Jack... they had – they were... weren't they?

**OWEN:** Oh yeah, they were shagging alright.  
  
_(GWEN shoots a glare at OWEN.)_

**GWEN:** I think it was a bit more than that. Would you be _that_ miserable if you only lost a 'friend-with-benefits'?  
  
_(OWEN fires a quip right back at her.)_

**OWEN:** Depends how good they were in bed.  
  
_(TOSH and GWEN exchange looks, and OWEN's grin fades.)  
  
_ But, I suppose you're right. He has a face like someone killed his cat.  
  
_(OWEN's voice in uncharacteristically soft and sympathetic, and TOSH tries to hide a small secret smile.)_

**TOSH:** We should do something to cheer him up.

**OWEN:** Yeah, but what? What does he like?  
  
_(They contemplate their coffees.)_

**GWEN:** Well, he likes coffee. And, erm, being clean...?  
  
_(The other two look at her in disbelief.)  
  
_ What? I don't hear you lot coming up with anything!  
  
_(TOSH speaks quietly.)_

**TOSH:** Ianto likes... Jack.  
  
_(GWEN sighs.)_

**GWEN:** That's one thing we can't give him.  
  
_(They fall silent, taking more sips of their coffee.)_

**TOSH:** Do you think he's coming back?  
  
_(short, awkward pause)_

**OWEN:** Yeah. Of course he's coming back. He's Jack.

**GWEN:** He wouldn't just leave us.  
  
_(None of them look particularly convinced.)_

**TOSH:** So... we just have to wait then. Until he does come back.

**OWEN:** _(softly)  
_ And how long is that gonna take, I wonder?  
  
_(They sneak another look at IANTO, who now takes another sip of his coffee. His face twists as he swallows, eyes unfocused and unseeing. He turns and tips his coffee into the sink, rinsing out his mug slowly. GWEN sighs, and puts down her mug. The other two look at her questioningly.)_

**GWEN:** We can't just leave him alone like this. I have to try!  
  
_(OWEN gives her an extremely sceptical look.)_

**OWEN:** Well, good luck, 'heart-of-the-team'!  
  
_(GWEN shoots him an eye-roll, and starts walking carefully over to IANTO. However, before GWEN can speak, the Rift Monitor on Tosh's desk begins to flash and beep. ALL four of them look up, startled, and TOSH quickly darts over to her desk and begins tapping on her keyboard.)_

**TOSH:** Rift Activity. Looks like... just another Weevil sighting. Splott.

**OWEN:** _Splott?_

**IANTO:** _(with the first barest flicker of a smile)  
_ I believe estate agents pronounce it 'Sploe'.

**OWEN:** Do you know everything? How is it that he knows everything?

**GWEN:** Back at Torchwood...  
  
_(She sends a firm look at OWEN, tilting her head in a subtle gesture.)  
  
_ I want you and Tosh to get the SUV ready. Make sure you've got the stun guns as well as the Weevil Spray – they seem to be getting more immune to the spray. Me and Ianto will sort out this.  
  
_(GWEN nods at the computer in acknowledgement. She then looks meaningfully at OWEN again – however, OWEN appears to have missed her point.)_

**OWEN:** I thought Ianto usually does all that!

**GWEN:** _(glaring daggers)  
_ Wouldn't hurt for you to do some dirty work now and then, _doctor_!  
  
_(The team don't miss IANTO's tiny flinch at the word 'doctor'. GWEN quickly looks to TOSH, who nods – she understands what GWEN is trying to do.)_

**TOSH:** Come on, Owen. How about I _show_ you where the Weevil Spray lives, that'd be a good place to start...  
  
_(TOSH drags OWEN after her to the left side of offstage, where they disappear, leaving GWEN alone with IANTO. There's silence onstage between the pair for a moment, while IANTO peers closer to the computer – presumably pinpointing the exact location of the Weevil. GWEN, however, has her gaze turned on IANTO. She shoves her hands into her jacket pockets and peers over at him.)_

**GWEN:** So, um – seems like we've been getting more Weevils lately, right?  
  
_(IANTO braces his hands on TOSH's desk, and looks up at GWEN. His mask appears to be back in place, neutrally polite.)_

**IANTO:** Suppose so. Although... I think we often got more than... more than we might have thought. It's just that... well...  
  
_(IANTO clears his throat and appears to give himself a little shake.)  
  
_ It's just that, I think Jack handled some of the alerts himself, if it was in the middle of the night, because he didn't want to call everyone in over a Weevil.  
  
_(To the untrained listener, one might have believed IANTO's light tone, but GWEN could see IANTO's knuckles whitening where they gripped the desk.)_

**GWEN:** Ahh... I see. No wonder he loved your coffee so much, if he was up at odd hours.  
  
_(IANTO smiles weakly at her joke, and GWEN hides a wince. She casts her gaze around and sees her own abandoned coffee mug – she quickly scoops it up and takes a gratifying sip.)_

**IANTO:** _(nodding slightly at her coffee)_  
Speaking of, was your coffee alright? I think the fliter's due a scrub, sorry if you can taste it over the beans.  
  
_(GWEN quickly shakes her head, smiling brightly at him.)_

**GWEN:** Oh no, the coffee was fine, thank you – brilliant, like usual! What did we ever do to deserve you, hey?  
  
_(IANTO casts his eyes downwards, and pushes himself up off the desk.)_

**IANTO:** I'm sure I wouldn't know.  
  
_(GWEN bites her lip, and runs a hand through her hair. This is not going the way she planned.)_

**GWEN:** Look, the thing is... we've – _I've_ noticed... that you don't quite seem yourself lately.  
  
_(IANTO raises his head and also his eyebrow at GWEN. She looks suitably chastised.)  
  
_ Well, I just mean – you know, with Jack gone and everything, it's totally understandable for you to be... a bit under the weather, and... we just want to help you. That's all.  
  
_(IANTO's gaze softens somewhat, but he shakes his head slightly.)_

**IANTO:** _(softly)  
_ And how exactly do you propose to do that?  
  
_(GWEN stares thoughtfully at IANTO for a moment, and sets down her coffee mug. Music starts up. She spins out into the middle of the Hub, ending up facing at IANTO.)_

['Jack Will Come Back Soon']

**GWEN: [sings]**  
Ianto, sweetheart  
Please stop your worry  
I am so sorry  
For what he's put you through  
  
_(GWEN takes a step closer to IANTO, and takes his hands in hers. IANTO tries to pull away but only half-heartedly.)  
  
_ Jack's far away  
But I know he'll come back  
Without us he'll crack  
And he'll miss us too!  
  
_(IANTO rolls his eyes and pulls his hands away, shaking his head incredulously. At this point, OWEN and TOSH emerge onstage again, both carrying an ample pile of Weevil Spray and stun guns. GWEN looks over at TOSH and OWEN's arrival, who seem to realise what's going on, and wave her towards IANTO again.)  
  
_ Since Jack's been gone  
My mind is clearer  
And I now hold dearer  
Who I know I should...  
  
_(GWEN fiddles with her hands, and IANTO, TOSH and OWEN all look at her in surprise.)  
  
_ And all my doubts  
Are now no more  
I know I'll adore  
My _fiancé_ Rhys for good!  
  
_(GWEN flashes the ring on her finger, which had been concealed, and IANTO, TOSH and OWEN all let their mouths open in surprise. TOSH runs up to GWEN and hugs her, and examines the ring with a smile on her face. OWEN goes over and claps her on the shoulder, unable to suppress a small grin. IANTO smiles genuinely, and nods at her. However, he still needs cheering up, and GWEN knows this. With a kind smile, she goes over to IANTO and puts her hands on his shoulders.)  
  
_ A fleeting touch  
A beating heart  
Both you and Jack  
Shouldn't be apart!  
  
_(IANTO tries to shake GWEN off of him, but she holds on tight.)  
  
_ Jack may have faded into darkness  
But he won't leave you alone!  
  
_(IANTO shakes GWEN off and spins away from her, turning his face away from her.)  
  
_ When he returns  
And I know he will!  
I am sure he'll still  
At the sight of you, swoon!  
  
_(GWEN runs over the stage and gets down on her knees before IANTO, trying to make him see.)  
  
_ The rest of us  
We still hold hope  
We will help you cope  
Jack will come back soon...  
  
_(IANTO shakes his head and opens his mouth as if to speak, but GWEN holds up a finger to stop him.)  
  
_ Jack will come back soon...  
  
_(Now putting his hands on his hips, IANTO once again shakes his head. GWEN hurriedly gets to her feet and grips IANTO firmly.)_  
  
Jack will come back soon!  
  
_(The music ends with a flourish, and IANTO's expression eventually softens, and he merely looks at GWEN. She gives him a reassuring smile and pulls him into a comforting hug.)_

**IANTO:** I... thank you, Gwen.

**GWEN:** _(pulling back slightly)  
_ You just need to know that we're here for you, alright? For whenever you feel like having a good moan about bloody Jack Harkness... I'm all ears, love!  
  
_(This makes IANTO chuckle, and GWEN smiles back at him. She releases IANTO from her embrace – rolling her eyes good-naturedly when he brushes his suit jacket down and straightens his already straight tie – and claps her hands together.)  
  
_ Right. I believe we have a Weevil to round up.  
  
_(OWEN and TOSH pass out a stun gun and some Weevil Spray to both GWEN and IANTO.)_

**OWEN:** Let's hope this doesn't take long – I had a date with a carton of beer and a 'Godfather' movie marathon!

**IANTO:** _(feeling able to raise his eyebrow and give OWEN his usual dry look of amusement)  
_ I would have thought that this is an offer you can't refuse...  
  
_(The girls hide their grins, OWEN pulls a fake comical face in IANTO's direction. ALL walk offstage, GWEN leading.)_


	17. Act III, Scene Two

21. ****Can't You See His Love For You?**** _Can't You Feel The Love Tonight? ( The Lion King)_ (Elton John's version) _  
_

 

**SCENE TWO:**  
  
_[The set has now changed – it is evening, and one or two street lamps light the stage, along with a blanket of 'stars' decorating black material which hangs down the back wall of the stage. There is a railing to one side of the stage, a park bench on the other side, and the faint sound of waves can be heard. It is Cardiff Bay, outside the Torchwood Hub. The stage is empty for a moment, but then we hear footsteps, and TOSH and IANTO walk on stage. TOSH carries her large handbag – they have finished for the day.]_

**TOSH:** You don't have to do this, you know. I'll be completely fine walking home by myself.

**IANTO:** Don't be silly. You know I wouldn't let you do that. Besides – nice night, walking is... good.

**TOSH:** Well... thank you, Ianto.

**IANTO:** Don't mention it.  
  
_(They share a smile. TOSH sets her handbag down on the park bench and wanders over to the wharf's railing, leaning comfortably against it. IANTO stands with his hands in his trouser pockets, looking at her, before deciding to walk over and join her.)_

**TOSH:** It's so... quiet.

**IANTO:** _(with a tiny wry grin)  
_ Strange, isn't it?  
  
_(TOSH chuckles.)_

**TOSH:** I was going to say peaceful... but strange works too. For us, anyway.  
  
_(IANTO nods, peering down over the railing into the 'water'. His shoulders are slumped, and TOSH bites her lip. She simply has to do something to help IANTO. TOSH clears her throat, looking determined.)  
  
_ I was going to say it reminded me a bit of the Archives – silent, dark...  
  
_(She had been aiming for a light, joking tone, but it was a tad too stilted and awkward, and IANTO merely grunted his assent and kicked at the railing with his toe.)  
  
_ I mean... remember that time that I went down there? I didn't want to interrupt you, but I got absolutely confused by all the labels, and then couldn't find the way out – you definitely need more lights, or something! – and then had to ask you to find me, remember? You found me within a minute!  
  
_(TOSH clears her throat awkwardly, and fidgets in embarrassment – she hadn't meant to ramble. IANTO, however, gets a soft, small smile on his face.)_

**IANTO:** Yeah. Yeah, I remember that.  
  
_(TOSH is encouraged by this, and carries on.)_

**TOSH:** Yes, and you teased me about it for days. Deliberately made a point of asking me whether I had all the files I needed for the cases we were working on, offering to draw me a map, give me a 'guided tour'...  
  
_(They chuckle at this, but it seems there is a touch of sadness to them both.)  
  
_ The thing is, Ianto... I miss that. I miss you teasing of me, dare I say it. I miss your laugh. I... I miss _you_ , Ianto.  
  
_(IANTO winces and ducks his head down again.)_

**IANTO:** I'm sorry, Tosh.  
  
_(But TOSH is already shaking her head.)_

**TOSH:** It's not your fault. But, it just hurts to see you like this, Ianto. I want to help, truly I do.

**IANTO:** _(softly)  
_ I know.

**TOSH:** Just... if you ever need to talk... you know I'm here, right?

**IANTO:** Yeah.  
  
_(He lets out a long breath at this, and for a few moments, they are both silent, the waves the only sound.)_  
  
It's been two months, you know.

**TOSH:** I know.

**IANTO:** Ugh. I just...  
  
_(IANTO lets a fist fall upon the railing, and grips it tightly. He speaks between gritted teeth.)  
  
_ I mean – who does this, Tosh? It just doesn't make any sense.  
  
_(TOSH tilts her head to one side, contemplating IANTO. She then takes a step away from the railing, and music begins to start up. IANTO turns to face her, his back against the railing, and watches her.)_

['Can't You See His Love For You?']

**TOSH: [sings]**  
I know you're both males  
But that doesn't excuse  
That both your feelings are evident  
You cannot refuse...  
  
_(TOSH has a small amused smile on her face, and IANTO opens his mouth to protest – a flush spreading over his cheeks. However, TOSH shakes her head and he sinks back against the railing, his features dulling over.)  
  
_ You make a perfect couple  
– I know you hate the term –  
But someone has to tell you the truth  
Although it makes you squirm!  
  
_(TOSH steps over to the middle of the stage, a faint spotlight forming on her as the street lamps fade out – the stars are still shining though.)_  
  
And can't you see his love for you?  
He may never tell  
Life's too short to waste time, wait and wonder  
To resist his spell!  
_  
_ And can't you see his love for you?  
I know things are grim  
But he'll be back, and it's you he'll want to see  
Keep believing in him!  
  
_(There is a lull in the music, and IANTO pushes himself off the railing and walks over to TOSH.)_

**IANTO:** _(interrupting)  
_ Tosh, I don't quite think –

**TOSH:** Ianto! That's your problem, you think too much!  
  
_(TOSH takes both of IANTO's hands in her own, showing her feelings, quite unlike her usual, reserved self.)  
  
_**[sings]**  
  
Think back to when we first met  
We barely spoke a word  
  
_(TOSH hides a smile and a giggle.)  
  
_ We are both quiet by nature  
Dreaming to be heard!  
  
Too caught up in reason  
Keeping our control  
But it's time for us to speak our minds  
To reveal our souls!  
  
_(IANTO lifts their hands and twirls TOSH around, and she gives him a hopeful smile.)  
  
_ And can't you see his love for you?  
He may never tell  
Life's too short to waste time, wait and wonder  
There's no time to dwell!  
  
And can't you see his love for you?  
I know things are grim  
But Jack will be back, and it's you he'll want to see  
Keep believing in him!  
  
Jack will be back, and it's you he'll want to see  
Ianto, keep believing in him!  
  
_(The song ends, and IANTO stands still, unable to move, before he suddenly turns and sits heavily down on the park bench. TOSH quietly joins him and carefully rests her hand on his knee. When IANTO speaks, it is husky with unshed tears.)_

**IANTO:** I just hate him so much, Tosh. I hate him for leaving us all, without even so much as a note. I... I hate him for making me feel like _this_. It's...  
  
_(IANTO gives a weak chuckle, eyes brighter than normal.)_  
  
Well, it's embarrassing, is what it is. Acting like a love-sick teenager.

**TOSH:** Come on, you know we don't think that. We all... understand how Jack is. We all want him back too.

**IANTO:** But that's the thing. I want him back, of course I do. But... I'm afraid he won't be the same. That he'll... swan back in, with that dazzling smile, beg for some coffee magic, tell us about the wonderful time he had, and then leave again, with the _Doctor_.

**TOSH:** _(mouth open slightly)  
_ Ianto, you can't know –

**IANTO:** There were rumours, alright? At Torchwood One. That the Doctor travelled with a companion, a girl called Rose – and she never came home, not properly. Always off with the Doctor. What if that's Jack?  
  
_(IANTO's voice has risen with anger, but also desperation. He gets up off the bench again and starts pacing. TOSH looks like she wants to go to him, but decides to stay where she is seated.)_

**TOSH:** Listen, none of us know what may or may not happen. But I know Jack – or, if I don't know _everything_ about him, I trust him. And I trust that Jack cares about us, cares about _you,_ and I trust he _will_ come back.  
  
_(IANTO comes to a halt and stares at TOSH for a long moment after her heartfelt, honest speech. Then he breaks into an unsuspected smile and quickly swipes at his eyes.)_

**IANTO:** Have I ever told you how amazing you are, Tosh?  
  
_(TOSH giggles, the tension broken.)_

**TOSH:** Maybe once or twice... not nearly often enough, though!  
  
_(IANTO's smile widens and he pulls TOSH up from the bench and scoops her into a bear hug.)_

**IANTO:** Well, you are definitely getting extra biscuits with your coffee for a _month_.  
  
_(They let go of each other and TOSH goes back to the bench to pick up her bag. They begin to slowly walk off stage.)_

**TOSH:** Just promise me one thing.

**IANTO:** What would that be?

**TOSH:** _(with a grin)  
_ Don't make it easy for Jack to make it up to you. Make him buy you chocolates and flowers and pay for dinner and be the perfect gentleman – make him _grovel_.  
  
_(BOTH laugh, and a cheeky grin sneaks onto IANTO's face – looking much more like his usual self.)_

**IANTO:** Oh, I'm looking forward to it.  
  
_(The exit the stage, and the spotlight is extinguished, followed by the stars, one by one.)_


	18. Act III, Scene Three

22\. **Your Favourite Things:** _My Favourite Things_ _( The Sound Of Music)_

23\. **The Name On Everybody's Lips Is Gonna Be Ianto!:** _Roxie ( Chicago) _(cannot believe i wrote this xD) _  
_

 

**SCENE THREE:**  
  
_[Set change – we are back in the Torchwood Hub. OWEN and IANTO are the only two on stage, as the girls are both out. IANTO is sweeping around the stage gathering up pieces of rubbish that are lying around the place, placing them in the bag he's carrying. OWEN, on the other hand, is sitting at one of the computer stations, slouched in the chair. He is chewing on a pen, and throwing a basketball up into the air every few seconds – OWEN is clearly bored with nothing to do.]_

**OWEN:** Ughhh! I've never _wished_ for a Rift alert before, but I reckon I'm coming bloody close to it now! This is just so _boring_!  
  
_(IANTO pauses in his cleaning task to look over at OWEN with a raised eyebrow.)_

**IANTO:** For some reason, I can think of plenty of things you could be doing. How about going through all the medical purchase receipts? You know, those ones that you usually shove at me a day before our budget's due, begging for me to help you?

**OWEN:** _(waving a hand errantly)  
_ Pfft, I've got loads of time for that.

**IANTO:** _(under his breath)  
_ That's what you always say...

**OWEN:** Nah, I need a _real_ job to do. Not any of that bureaucratic stuff.

**IANTO:** Well, the autopsy room would never say no to a good cleaning out. Some of those medicines, or chemicals – I'm sure some of them were there _before_ I started working here.  
  
_(IANTO gives OWEN a pointed look, but OWEN drops the basketball that he'd been throwing up in horror – horror at the idea of actually cleaning out the autopsy room.)_

**OWEN:** Oh, errr...  
  
_(OWEN casts a slightly wild look around.)_  
  
Nah, that's okay. I reckon, um... I reckon I'll just wait for the girls to get back with lunch, and then go for some target practice down in the armoury.

**IANTO:** _(sighing)  
_ Of course.  
  
_(IANTO continues picking up rubbish from around the Hub, and OWEN this time watches IANTO attentively. He slowly takes the pen out of his mouth and places it carefully onto the work station in front of him. OWEN appears to be thinking about something quite hard, and we can guess that he's come to a decision when he sits up a little straighter in his seat.)_

**OWEN:** Hey – Ianto? If the Rift is still quiet tonight... what do you say to us going out for a drink or something?  
  
_(IANTO now completely abandons his cleaning in favour of straightening up and staring at OWEN, wide-eyed. OWEN carries on.)_  
  
A beer down at the pub? You know, a boys' night?

**IANTO:** _(blinking)  
_ Uhh...

**OWEN:** Come on, it'll be fun.  
  
_(IANTO eyes OWEN's grin suspiciously.)_

**IANTO:** If you only want me there to play your wingman, or whatever, you can forget it.

**OWEN:** No, no – honestly, none of that for me anymore. I've done all that, haven't I? I need a... _proper_ woman, you know?  
  
_(IANTO rolls his eyes, not quite concealing a small, dry smile.)_

**IANTO:** Right.

**OWEN:** Right! But I mean, just a drink or two, just us. I used to do it with Jack for a little while, before you started here – good for some company, you know?  
  
_(OWEN adds his next words on hurriedly.)  
  
_ Him, I mean, not me. _Jack_ needed the company.  
  
_(But IANTO had stiffened at the mention of JACK, and his mouth set firmly into a hard line. His eyes narrowed and hardened too.)_

**IANTO:** I'm not just some – some 'Jack' substitute!  
  
_(OWEN, to his credit, looks abashed and somewhat anxious.)_

**OWEN:** Oh, come on – I didn't mean that. All of that was ages ago – after Suzie, he went all weird on me, and then you came along, and then Gwen – and I was kind of out on the pull a lot, and... yeah. Well, the point is, you're not replacing no one.  
  
_(IANTO continues to look sceptical, so OWEN heaves a dramatic sigh and raises his eyes to the ceiling.)  
  
_ I wouldn't ask you if I didn't want to hang out with you. Surely you know I'm not that self-sacrificing.  
  
_(At this, IANTO blinks at OWEN, stunned for a few seconds, before his lips curve into a genuine smile. His reply is quiet but certain.)_

**IANTO:** Alright, then. But I'm not really in the mood for a pub – not really my thing. You could always come round to my place instead.  
  
_(OWEN's expression turned contemplative.)_

**OWEN** : Huh. Don't think I've ever been to your flat before. Is that weird?

**IANTO** : Not so much – it is _you_ we're talking about here.

**OWEN** : _(indignant)  
_ Oi! I've been round to Tosh's place before –

**IANTO** : _(smile turning into a cheeky grin)  
_ I'm sure you have.  
  
_(A faint blush actually graces OWEN's cheekbones.)_

**OWEN:** We were car pooling.  
  
_(IANTO is still smirking in a satisfied way when TOSH and GWEN arrive on stage, laden down with a few bags from the bakery. They dump them on the nearest work station.)_

**GWEN:** Lunch is served, boys!  
  
_(She and TOSH notice OWEN's blush and IANTO's smirk.)_  
  
Err... do I want to know what you two've been up to?

**IANTO:** _(innocently, before OWEN can speak)_  
We were just talking about how Owen had never been round to my flat before, weren't we, Owen?

**OWEN:** Err... yeah.

**GWEN:** Really? Haven't you?  
  
_(GWEN stops to think.)  
  
_ Actually... hang on. I haven't either.  
  
_(GWEN rounds on IANTO.)  
  
_ How can I _not_ have visited your flat before?  
  
_(IANTO shrugs in a saintly way, and exchanges an amused glance with TOSH.)_

**IANTO:** Tosh has, haven't you?

**OWEN:** _(near snarls)  
_ What!?  
  
_(TOSH nods in confirmation, a secret smile playing around her lips.)_

**TOSH:** I've been to Ianto's, yes. For a quiet bottle of wine, a DVD, that sort of thing.  
  
_(OWEN splutters, while GWEN's eyes grow wide.)_

**IANTO:** Something the matter, Owen?  
  
_(OWEN narrows his eyes at IANTO's perfectly raised eyebrow, and swallows his spluttering.)_

**OWEN:** Just having trouble deciding what type of movie _you'd_ be into. That's all.  
  
_(IANTO's smirk grows even more wicked, but GWEN (unintentionally) comes to OWEN's rescue.)_

**GWEN:** Actually, that's a fair point. What... what movies _does_ Ianto like?  
  
_(OWEN and GWEN turn to look at TOSH, who now widens her own eyes and raises her hand in surrender.)_

**TOSH:** Don't ask me! I... _may_ have picked the DVD, and I'm pretty sure it's not what Ianto usually watches...

**GWEN:** _(asking with great interest)  
_ Oooh, what one?

**TOSH:** _(mumbling)  
_ 'Bridget Jones' Diary'...  
  
_(IANTO clears his throat in an attempt to distract OWEN and GWEN from staring at TOSH.)_

**IANTO:** Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if you lot don't know what kinds of films I enjoy. You probably wouldn't even know when my birthday was if it weren't for our compulsory profiles. I'm... not exactly what you'd call the sharing type.  
  
_(OWEN gets a steely look in his eyes.)_

**OWEN:** Okay, setting aside the fact that I actually _don't_ know when your birthday is, we still know a hell of a lot about you, Ianto.  
  
_(At IANTO's disbelieving look, OWEN stands up from his chair determinedly. Lunch has now been pretty much forgotten – at least, postponed until OWEN has proved his point. Music starts up.)_  
  
What? We do! Just listen...

['Your Favourite Things']

**OWEN: [sings]**  
Dry cleaned three-piece suits and quality silk ties  
Pastries with chocolate and Rhys' apple pies  
And even that caramel slice Tosh brings  
These are a few of your favourite things!  
  
_(IANTO looks around at GWEN and TOSH in wonder – do they really know all that? GWEN and TOSH grin back at him, and IANTO turns back to OWEN with his look of disbelief starting to be replaced with amazement.)_  
  
'Course, we know 'bout your obsession with coffee  
Only rivalled by your sweet tooth for toffee  
We know you secretly like when Jack sings  
These are a few of your favourite things!

**IANTO** : _(interrupting)  
_ How do you know that I-?

**GWEN** : _(grinning)  
_ Whenever Jack is singing in the showers, you get this wee smile on your face – it's adorable.  
  
_(IANTO flushes bright red, and OWEN continues.)_

**OWEN:** **[sings]**  
Perfectly organised and filed Archives  
Mess with the SUV? – you'll threaten our lives  
Such a spotless Hub that it truly blings  
These are a few of your favourite things!  
  
When we litter, when the mud clings,  
When you feel alone  
Know that we remember your favourite things  
Then you won't feel on your own!  
  
_(The music quietens down to just be a melody in the background. OWEN looks pleased with himself, and IANTO shakes in head incredulously.)_

**IANTO:** Huh. I... had no idea you knew all that. Well – I'll give you the coffee and the Archives. And the SUV. But Jack singing – and Rhys' apple pies? How did you know?

**GWEN:** _(solemnly, but with a grin)  
_ No one can resist those pies, trust me.

**TOSH:** You're not _really_ as... as untouchable as you think you are, Ianto. We notice because... we care.

**OWEN:** Speak for yourself!  
  
_(But OWEN flicks a grin at IANTO.)_

**IANTO:** _(smile fading, and speaking as if he has almost forgotten the presence of the other three)  
_ I wish Jack knew as much about me.  
  
_(OWEN, GWEN and TOSH all sober up a bit, and look at IANTO with varying degrees of sympathy. IANTO seems to shake himself out of it and looks up at them.)  
  
_ No – don't look at me like that. It's been what, three months? I'm over it. Promise.  
  
_(Even IANTO himself remains unconvinced, and the two girls walk over to IANTO.)_

**GWEN:** Well, he'll be getting a big walloping from me when he comes back, that's for sure.

**TOSH:** _(quietly)  
_ We'll always be here for you, Ianto.  
  
_(They both turn to OWEN, and give him pointed stares.)_

**OWEN:** Are you kidding? That's the biggest load of tosh – pardon the pun – that I've heard since being bullied into watching 'The Notebook'. Clichés, clichés. Nope, you know what you _really_ need, Ianto?

**IANTO:** _(raising a sad eyebrow)  
_ A new coffee machine?

**OWEN:** Pfft, no. You just need a self-esteem boost!  
  
_(The music changes into a different beat, a more sultry, jazzy beat, and gets louder to cue OWEN in.)_

['The Name On Everybody's Lips Is Gonna Be Ianto!']

**OWEN: [sings]**  
The name on everybody's lips  
Is gonna be Ianto!  
  
_(OWEN spreads out his arms wide, gesturing at IANTO.)  
_  
The man who people want to see  
Is gonna be Ianto!  
  
You're gonna be a 'featured heart-throb'  
That means somebody that makes you swoon  
They're gonna recognise your eyes  
Your hair, your suit, your tie – they'll moon!  
  
_(OWEN feints stumbling at the sight of IANTO, who rolls his eyes and crosses his arms, unimpressed – at least, that's how he would seem, if it weren't for the small smile on his face.)  
  
_ From just some quiet, calm Teaboy  
You're gonna be Ianto!  
Who says that coffee's not an art?  
  
And who in case he dies today  
Can say he at least found a way?  
Ianto Jones!  
  
_(OWEN looks over at GWEN and TOSH.)_  
  
Guys?

**ALL (except IANTO): [sings]**  
They're gonna come to the  
Tourist Office to see  
Ianto!

**OWEN: [sings]**  
Think of those autographs you'll sign  
"Long live coffee!"

**ALL (except IANTO): [sings]  
** Ianto!

**OWEN: [sings]**  
And Jack will only be able to  
Mourn that he ever left you at all

**ALL (except IANTO): [sings]**  
Here he sighs, there he cries  
Everywhere he sighs and cries

**OWEN: [sings]**  
He'll waste time awaiting your call!  
  
_(IANTO shakes his head at his team's antics, watching as the girls start to dance around the stage, and OWEN takes a few steps towards IANTO.)_  
  
Yeahhhh – you're a star! And Jack loves you. And you love him. And he loves you for loving him. And you love him for loving you. And you love each other. And that's 'cause none of you got enough love in your childhoods. And that's Torchwood – kid!

**ALL (except IANTO): [sings]  
** He's giving up his butler life

**OWEN: [sings]  
** You're gonna be – sing it!

**ALL (except IANTO): [sings]**  
Ianto!  
You made a coffee, then a start!

**OWEN: [sings]**  
And Jack will come back on his knees  
Begging you to take him back, please!  
Ianto Jones!

**ALL (except IANTO): [sings]**  
Ianto, Ianto, Ianto, Ianto, Ianto, Ianto... Ianto!  
  
_(Music tapers off, and OWEN is left on his knees in front of IANTO with his arms open wide, with GWEN and TOSH on either side of him in various poses. They stay there for a beat or two, until OWEN's words break the spell.)_

**OWEN:** Well. Yeah. That's that. Now –  
  
_(He shakes a finger at IANTO warningly.)  
  
_ You better remember all that, because I will not be doing it again!  
  
_(IANTO's face breaks out into a genuine smile.)_

**IANTO:** I wouldn't dream of it!  
  
_(softer)_  
  
Thank you, Owen.

**OWEN:** _(gruffly)  
_ Yeah. Sure.  
  
_(There is a sort silence, in which the boys avoid each other's eyes, and the girls giggle behind their hands.)_

**IANTO:** Does this mean you'll tidy the autopsy room for me now?

**OWEN:** Oi! After all I've done...  
  
_(OWEN begins chasing IANTO around the Hub, and they run offstage to the left.)_

**GWEN:** Hey! Lunch is getting cold!  
  
_(GWEN and TOSH pick up the bakery bags and follow IANTO and OWEN offstage at a jog.)_


	19. Act III, Scene Four

24\. **I Will Not Cry For Jack Harkness:** _Don't Cry For Me Argentina ( Evita)_

 

**SCENE FOUR:**  
  
_[The scene carries on from the last, but with different scenery – the team are in the conference room, sitting around a large table. There is an empty seat at the head of the table. The remains of their bakery lunch lie on the table, and they all look satisfyingly fed and watered.]_

**OWEN:** Ohhh, that hit the spot, alright.

**GWEN:** _(sardonically)  
_ 'Thank you Gwen, thank you Tosh.' 'You're welcome, Owen.'

**OWEN:** _(seemingly oblivious)  
_ Hmmm?  
  
_(GWEN shakes her head at TOSH.)_

**GWEN:** Men. Honestly.

**TOSH:** _(fairly)  
_ Well, not all men. I mean, look at Ianto!  
  
_(All three of them turn to look at IANTO, who is now standing and has indeed already begun clearing up the mess they've left.)_

**IANTO:** What? Didn't want any stains, or crumbs.  
  
_(OWEN shudders theatrically.)_

**OWEN:** That would be _disaster_ – we'd hear about it for weeks.  
  
_(IANTO shoots a glare at OWEN.)_

**IANTO:** Just like you'll hear about what a pigsty the autopsy room is for weeks!  
  
_(At this, OWEN hurriedly stands, waving a hand randomly in the air as he stretches languidly.)_

**OWEN:** Yeah, yeah, later. I told you, I'm going down to the armoury for some practice. Call me up if there's a Rift alert.  
  
_(OWEN disappears offstage, and TOSH and GWEN both stand up too.)_

**GWEN:** Ah, never can win with that one. Right, well I think I have some follow up reports to finish, got a bit behind after last week's Weevil overload. Tosh, Ianto, got things to keep you busy?

**TOSH:** I'm running a new scan on our Rift monitor, while we've got some spare time.

**IANTO:** Yep, I was going to head out in a bit, stock up our 'cover-up' supplies. We're running low on red graffiti paint.  
  
_(All three smile at this.)_

**GWEN:** I dread the day the Council employs sharper workers.

**IANTO:** I wouldn't be too worried.  
  
_(Smiling their goodbyes, TOSH and GWEN leave offstage, the opposite direction to OWEN, and IANTO is left there alone. He continues cleaning up for a few moments, picking up the paper bags, collecting all their empty mugs on a tray. He moves around each seat, until he comes to the chair at the head of the table. JACK's usual seat. He stares at it, unseeingly.)_

**IANTO:** _(softly)  
_ Jack.  
  
_(Carefully, he puts down the rubbish he is holding, and lowers himself to sit in JACK's chair.)  
  
_ It's been three months. Three months since you left us, without a note, but the Doctor's glowing hand hint enough. Three months since you... since you left _me._  
  
_(He gives a sad chuckle, looking down at his hands for a moment before looking upwards.)  
  
_ Sometimes, I wonder where you are, where you're travelling. You could be anywhere – the universe is a big place, even for you. And if it's true, what they say about the Doctor, that he can time travel... well. Surely that means that if you _were_ coming back to us, to me, you'd already be back by now. You could have arrived back the same day you left.  
  
_(IANTO takes a shaky breath.)  
  
_ You're a hard person to let go of, Jack.  
  
_(Now IANTO stands, but doesn't spare the rubbish from lunch a glance. Instead, he walks around the table to the front of the stage as music starts up, and the lights dim slightly to focus on IANTO.)_

['I Will Not Cry For Jack Harkness']

**IANTO: [sings]**  
It's not been easy, I can't make sense  
When I try to understand why I feel  
That I still need your love after all that you've done  
  
I can't believe that  
All I will see is a man I once knew  
If you come back with the Doctor  
I don't think I could look at you  
  
_(IANTO shakes his head, a sad smile playing around on his face, and he looks at the floor. He starts to pace slowly across the stage.)  
  
_ I've had to try to move on, I've had to change  
Couldn't waste all my life standing here  
Looking out of the window, simply waiting for you  
  
So I chose freedom  
Here with the team, fitting in all anew  
But you have not left me alone  
I never expected you to  
  
_(The lights sharpen, forming a spotlight on IANTO, sending the rest of the stage into darkness.)  
  
_ I will not cry for Jack Harkness  
The truth is I never left you  
All through these lone days  
My sad existence  
Please keep your promise  
Don't keep your distance  
  
And as for friendship, and as for love  
I never invited them in  
And indeed, I did not think that I could desire  
  
Didn't deserve them  
Didn't think that I should accept them and still be  
But I really should have realised  
I love you and hope you love me  
  
I will not cry for Jack Harkness...  
  
_(Here, IANTO's shoulders tremble a bit, and he swipes a defiant knuckle under his eyes. The music falls into a small lull, during which IANTO gets himself back under control. He then begins to sing again with renewed strength and resolve.)  
  
_ I will not cry for Jack Harkness  
The truth is I never left you  
All through these lone days  
My sad existence  
Please keep your promise  
Don't keep your distance  
  
I don't say too much  
But there is more I can think of to say to you  
And all you have to do is look at me to know  
That every word is true!  
  
_(The music dies down a bit now, and the stage lights back up slowly again. IANTO stands, frozen, looking upwards for a few long moments. Then, he sighs and breaks out of the trance. Sweeping around the table, IANTO clears up the last of the rubbish from lunch, and takes one final glance at JACK's empty chair.)_

**IANTO:** Jack... please.  
  
_(He lets out a puff of breath, a mixture of anxiety and frustration, of sadness and regret.)  
  
_ Just... where are you, Jack?  
  
_(And with that, the stage begins to rotate around, IANTO leaving the stage as the set ie. table and chairs move. The lights dim as this occurs, revealing a new set entirely...)_


	20. Act III, Scene Five

25. ****A Whole New World** **:**** _A Whole New World ( Aladdin)_

 

**SCENE FIVE:**  
  
_[... the new set is clearly no longer in the Torchwood Hub. There is a small jungle of trees and bushes decorating the backdrop of the stage, with small white lights dotted amongst the greenery. The main source of light, however, is a mystical, blue luminosity spreading across the stage. The stage is not quiet for long – we begin to hear a great roaring noise of a hunting party, and THE DOCTOR suddenly comes sprinting onstage, JACK quick on his heels. THE DOCTOR's sunglasses are askew and he must keep a hand on top of his wide brimmed hat to prevent it from falling off. JACK appears to have left THE DOCTOR's hand in the jar behind with the TARDIS. They scramble over to the other side of the stage, only to come up short – JACK tumbling into THE DOCTOR.]_

**THE DOCTOR:** Dead end!

**JACK:** Damn it!  
  
_(They stop and brace themselves.)  
  
_ Just _how_ do you get into these situations?

**THE DOCTOR:** You know me! Besides, you have to admit, it's a great way to keep fit!  
  
_(JACK rolls his eyes, but gives a reluctant grin. Before he can say any more, however, the blue ALIENS that have been chasing them tumble onstage. They come to a halt when they realise that THE DOCTOR and JACK are cornered.)_

**JACK:** _(out of the corner of his mouth)  
_ Got any of your brilliant ideas right about now?

**THE DOCTOR:** Make it up as I go along!  
  
_(THE DOCTOR, of course, looks far too cheerful than the situation should allow. JACK also looks rather unperturbed, his earlier anxiety about being sucked into another one of THE DOCTOR's adventures is now evaporating, and adrenalin is taking over.)_

**JACK:** Well, I did learn from the best!  
  
_(The blue ALIEN at the front of the group now takes a step towards THE DOCTOR and JACK – he is wearing a unique headband, unlike the others, and so appears to be their LEADER.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** Hello, then!  
  
_(The LEADER bares his teeth.)_  
  
Nice night for it...

**LEADER:** You dare speak to us!  
  
_(THE DOCTOR flicks his head to one side.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** Well...  
  
_(He is interrupted by the angry hisses of the rest of the ALIENS.)_

**LEADER:** You have trespassed on the land of Telosporidia!

**THE DOCTOR:** Oh, I didn't see the sign – did you Jack?  
  
_(JACK answers with a casual wink.)_

**JACK:** Never do!

**THE DOCTOR:** Ah!  
  
_(He claps his hands together, a grin on his face.)  
  
_ Well then, now that we've sorted out _that_ misunderstanding...

**LEADER:** I believe not! Who are you?

**THE DOCTOR:** Oh! I'm the Doctor!  
  
_(The Doctor offers his hand to be shaken, and is unconcerned when no hand is offered in return.)_

**LEADER:** Doctor Who?

**THE DOCTOR:** Just the Doctor!

**LEADER:** And you?  
  
_(The LEADER jabs a finger at JACK.)_

**JACK:** I'm Captain Jack Harkness.

**LEADER:** Right. Captain, Doctor...  
  
_(He makes a hand signal and the other blue ALIENS spring forwards and capture THE DOCTOR and JACK in their grasp.)_  
  
You must come with us.

**THE DOCTOR:** Ohh, must we?

**LEADER:** I believe it would be the more preferable option over being hunted to the death.

**THE DOCTOR:** Well, yes, you're probably right. But... _well_... we're actually on a pretty tight schedule – I booked my tour of the Winter Witch Palace for 0900 moon-hours, and time's a ticking...

**LEADER:** Then I suggest you not waste anymore of it.  
  
_(THE DOCTOR gives a dramatic, saddened sigh.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** Ughh, the bores of bureaucracy...  
  
_(The other accompanying ALIENS begin to drag both THE DOCTOR and JACK by their upper arms, marching them from one side of the stage to the other. THE DOCTOR does not struggle – although JACK does try to, now looking less happy about his predicament.)_

**JACK:** Yeah, this is _exactly_ like old times...  
  
_(He shoots a look at THE DOCTOR, but they can do nothing as they are dragged across the stage, the LEADER striding out in front of them. They all walk offstage, but we can still hear the scuffle of movement, and the occasional murmur or shout.)_

**THE DOCTOR: [offstage]** Oh, oh, yes, what you've got there is an authentic, high quality lei – purchased it myself from the Island Galaxies. I – er, I don't think it's meant to fit on more than one life form at the same time –

**JACK: [offstage]** Hey, watch the coat! If I ever find out how to bill you for the dry-cleaning bill...  
  
_(Slowly, the revolving centrepiece onstage begins to rotate around, leaving behind the jungle setting to something a bit more stately and proper – in the middle, there is an impressive, empty throne flanked by two more ALIENS, these ones carrying a wooden staff each and dressed in some sort of armour. Torches of fire stand on either side of these guards. The LEADER arrives back onstage, from the opposite side to which they left, followed closely by THE DOCTOR and JACK and the other ALIENS.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** Oooh, this is very nice, isn't it Jack?

**JACK:** _(sarcastically)  
_ Yeah, have you guys been decorating in here?

**LEADER:** Silence! We must wait for Major Zoan so that we may decide your fate.

**THE DOCTOR:** _(a look of intense concentration appearing on his face)  
_ Hang on, Major Zoan... familiar... where have I – Major _Zoan_... come on, brain, where...  
  
_(At the moment, a figure that is obviously MAJOR ZOAN arrives onstage, wearing an admirable army hat over his ropey hair and an extravagant velvet cape that covers half of his spiky tail. He opens his mouth to speak, but at that moment, THE DOCTOR claps a hand to his head – with difficulty due to his constraints – and interrupts.)_  
  
Oh! OH! Of course... Major Zoan!

**MAJOR ZOAN:** _(blinking slowly, and speaking in an equally slow, gravelly voice)  
_ Yes?

**THE DOCTOR:** Hi! How's it going – how's the back, feeling better? Had any more trouble from those Tribbles – ?

**LEADER:** _(inching forwards)  
_ Major, we have captured these felons trespassing across the sacred lands of –

**THE DOCTOR:** Felons? Nonsense! The Major and I go way back –

**LEADER:** _(hissing at THE DOCTOR)  
_ I – said – silence!

**JACK:** _(also to THE DOCTOR)  
_ Yeah, you might want to be quiet right about now.

**THE DOCTOR:** Oh, you're all so SLOW! Major, it's me! The Doctor!  
  
_(There is a tense pause, in which everyone looks at MAJOR ZOAN, who continues to blink with an agonisingly slow speed, until...)_

**MAJOR ZOAN:** Ah! Now then! _Now_ then...

**THE DOCTOR:** Yes!

**MAJOR ZOAN:** I do _see_...

**THE DOCTOR:** _(in an undertone)  
_ Any minute now...

**MAJOR ZOAN:** Doctor!

**THE DOCTOR:** _(grinning)  
_ Hello, Major, hello!  
  
_(He awkwardly sticks out his hand from underneath the ALIEN's arm, offering it to MAJOR ZOAN, who shakes it.)_

**MAJOR ZOAN:** Greetings, Doctor. Forgive me, it has been a while.

**THE DOCTOR:** No problemo!

**MAJOR ZOAN:** I trust you are well?

**THE DOCTOR:** Who, me? Fit as a fiddling Foamasi, don't you worry!

**MAJOR ZOAN:** _(looking interestedly at JACK)  
_ And who is your friend?

**JACK:** I'm Captain Jack Harkness, nice to meet you.

**THE DOCTOR:** Oh, don't start!

**JACK:** I was only saying hello!

**MAJOR ZOAN:** _(oblivious)  
_ What a charming coat you're wearing, Captain – army issue, isn't it?

**JACK:** Oh, I do love a man who knows style when he sees it!

**THE DOCTOR:** Now you've done it...

**LEADER:** _(clearing his throat impatiently)  
_ If I could remind the Major that we have business at hand...?

**MAJOR ZOAN:** Ah. Yes. Of course. Doctor, may I inquire as to what you are doing here on our planet?

**THE DOCTOR:** It's a funny story actually – well, I mean, if that's your kind of humour – but I arrived here by mistake. You see, I'm officially on holiday, and I _was_ trying to go to planet Midnight, but my ship, the poor old girl, must have calculated the coordinates slightly wrong and ended up here instead. She's been playing up a bit, come to think of it, ever since that crash landing on Amanopia. Dreadful business, dreadful, took weeks to completely repair... Anyway, I had a point here, somewhere... ah, yes, point is, I didn't actually _mean_ to land on Telosporidia!  
  
_(MAJOR ZOAN takes several, long moments to digest THE DOCTOR's typical quick and rambling speech, before nodding thoughtfully.)_

**MAJOR ZOAN:** You arrived here... accidentally?

**THE DOCTOR:** _(emphatically)  
_ Yes.

**MAJOR ZOAN:** Well... in that case... I do not see any need to punish them, Leader Bjalk.

**LEADER:** But, Major –

**MAJOR ZOAN:** My only problem with the situation is...  
  
_(THE DOCTOR and JACK lean forwards, suddenly apprehensive, waiting as MAJOR ZOAN addresses THE DOCTOR.)  
  
_ Why did you not choose Telosporidia as your holiday destination?  
  
_(Both THE DOCTOR and JACK relax at these words, and THE DOCTOR gives a chuckle.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** Oh, right! I suppose I fancied more of a cooler climate...  
  
_(All ALIENS – and JACK! – eye THE DOCTOR's sunglasses, wide brimmed hat and lei pointedly.)  
  
_...but, ah – no, no, you're absolutely right. What _was_ I thinking? Telosporidia is the _perfect_ place for a holiday!  
  
_(MAJOR ZOAN smiles in satisfaction, and nods at the ALIENS to release THE DOCTOR and JACK from their grasp. The LEADER does not appear to be completely pleased with the arrangement, but doesn't protest.)_

**MAJOR ZOAN:** Wonderful. I shall have the best room in Telosporidia's famous hotel –

**THE DOCTOR:** _(muttering under his breath to JACK)  
_ Telosporidia's _only_ hotel...

**MAJOR ZOAN:** _(continuing, not having heard THE DOCTOR)  
_ – booked for you, Doctor, and your friend. Any friend of yours is most welcome in our lands.

**JACK** : Oh, uh, about that...  
  
_(JACK gives THE DOCTOR a meaningful look, and THE DOCTOR reluctantly answers with a tip of his head.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** Yes, thank you Major, that will be brilliant – uh, if you might excuse us for a minute...?  
  
_(He gestures vaguely at JACK and then stares at MAJOR ZOAN expectantly, with his air of innocence.)_

**MAJOR ZOAN:** Why, certainly. Come, my fellows. Let us return to the Telos Spring Celebrations...

**THE DOCTOR:** _(grinning and mumbling to himself)  
_ So it's _that_ time of year... perhaps this holiday won't be a _complete_ flop after all!  
  
_(All ALIENS trail offstage, leaving JACK to run a hand through his hair and let out a gush of breath.)_

**JACK:** Phew! You know, we're lucky you're a popular guy.

**THE DOCTOR:** I do get about a bit, don't I?  
  
_(JACK smiles, but it doesn't quite meet his eyes.)  
  
_...but somehow, I'm guessing I'm not _that_ popular.

**JACK:** I... that's not it –

**THE DOCTOR:** Jack, I really don't mind, though. Come with me, travel – see the universe. Again.  
  
_(JACK doesn't reply, and THE DOCTOR walks around him to stand on one side of the stage, opposite JACK. Music begins to play.)_

['A Whole New World']

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]**  
I can show you the world  
Exciting, full of adventure  
I'll tell you, Captain, your future  
Is now ready to decide  
  
I can open your eyes  
Take you through any time span  
Backwards, forwards, and then can  
Take you right back home again  
  
_(At this point, JACK takes a couple of steps forward, contemplating what THE DOCTOR is saying.)_  
  
A whole new world  
A truly brilliant point of view  
I'll tell the TARDIS so  
She'll know where to go  
You'll feel like you are dreaming  
  
_(Now JACK joins the song – sometimes, their words overlap each other, blending together beautifully.)_

**JACK: [sings]**  
A whole new world...  
A dazzling place that I once knew  
But now that I am here  
Not crystal clear  
Why I am in a whole new world with you

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]  
** You could be in a new world with me

**JACK: [sings]**  
Unbelievable sights  
Indescribable meetings  
Running, saving, some beatings  
Through all endless space and time  
A whole new world...

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]  
** You wouldn't dare close your eyes!

**JACK: [sings]  
** A million planets to explore

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]**  
Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey!  
  
_(with, of course, an accompanying awesome hand gesture!)_

**JACK: [sings]**  
The TARDIS shoots like a star  
We'll go so far –  
Can I go back to who I used to be?

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]**  
A whole new world...  
  
_(JACK and THE DOCTOR move away from each other here, their arms outstretched.)_

**JACK: [sings]  
** Every turn, a surprise

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]  
** With new galaxies to visit

**JACK: [sings]  
** Every moment, too crazy

**BOTH: [sing]**  
We'd chase life anywhere  
There's time to spare!  
I could share this whole new world with you...  
  
_(Their arms fall to their sides, and they move across the stage to stand opposite each other.)_

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]  
** A whole new world...

**JACK: [sings]  
** A whole new world...

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]  
** That's where I'll be

**JACK: [sings]  
** That's where you'll be

**THE DOCTOR: [sings]  
** In thrilling space!

**JACK: [sings]**  
With wondrous grace!  
  
_(JACK winks)_

**BOTH: [sing]**  
For you and me  
  
_(The music dies away, and THE DOCTOR grins over at JACK. JACK's smile, however, fades, and he peers at the ground.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** I would be honoured to have you travel with me, Jack, but it's okay if you don't want to.  
  
_(THE DOCTOR's voice is gentle, and JACK finally meets his gaze, his shoulders slumped.)_

**JACK:** I... look. I've waited for you a long time. But I'm... I'm a different man to what I was back then, when I first met you. Back then... I was a free agent, had nothing to hold me back or tie me down. I _wanted_ to travel anywhere and everywhere. Guess that's part of the reason I joined the Time Agency. But...  
  
_(JACK's straightens his shoulders.)  
  
_ I'm not that man anymore, Doctor. And I think I should go back home. I _want_ to go back home.  
  
_(They share a smile, before THE DOCTOR suddenly claps his hands, ending the moment.)_

**THE DOCTOR:** Right then! That settles that! I shall deliver you back home in lil' old Cardiff, and then come back here for my well-earned holiday.

**JACK:** _(eyebrows raised)  
_ Yeah, enjoy that...

**THE DOCTOR:** Clearly you haven't heard the rumours about the Telos Spring Celebrations!  
  
_(JACK shakes his head, grinning. THE DOCTOR turns on his heel and sprints offstage, yelling as he goes.)  
  
_ Be back in a jiffy!  
  
_(We hear a whooshing noise – the sound of the TARDIS. JACK barely has time to look around himself before the doors to the TARDIS appear on one side of the stage, and THE DOCTOR pushes his way through them.)_  
  
All aboard, then!

**JACK:** _(mock saluting THE DOCTOR)  
_ Yes, sir!

**THE DOCTOR:** Oh, and look what you left just laying about!  
  
_(One of THE DOCTOR's hands disappears back inside the TARDIS doors, and he pulls out... his hand, in the jar.)_  
  
Do you mind if I keep it?

**JACK:** Consider it a parting of ways gift.

**THE DOCTOR:** It might come in handy...  
  
_(JACK gives a great laugh, and bounds into the TARDIS after THE DOCTOR. We hear the whooshing TARDIS noise once more. The lights begin to flash blue and gold, before settling down again as the sound of the TARDIS dies away. The doors open, and JACK bursts out onstage.)_

**JACK:** Yeah, you might want to get her looked into, Doctor – work on a smoother landing!

**THE DOCTOR:** **[offstage]**  
See you again soon, Jack!  
  
_(The TARDIS doors are pulled offstage, of course accompanied by the TARDIS noise, and JACK is left there, alone. However, he does not look in the least bit sad – a grin widens over his face, and he puffs his chest out.)_

**JACK:** Torchwood, Ianto – here I come!  
  
_(And he marches confidently offstage.)_


	21. Act III, Scene Six

26\. **Unusual Way** **:** _Unusual Way ( Nine) _(John Barrowman's version) _  
_

27\. **You're In Love:** _I Won't Say I'm In Love ( Hercules)_

 

**SCENE SIX:**  
  
_[The set is doused in darkness for a few moments, before a line of orange streetlamps provide us with light again. It is early evening, and we are in an empty street – for now, at least. For we begin to hear the sound of running footsteps, and seconds later, GWEN, TOSH, IANTO and OWEN burst onto the stage from the right. GWEN, OWEN and IANTO are all carrying guns, while TOSH is clutching her PDA.]_

**GWEN:** Tosh, where's it gone?  
  
_(The note of urgency in her voice keys us in to what the team is up to.)_

**TOSH:** Wait – let's stop a moment, looks like he's being tricky again.  
  
_(ALL come to halt, panting slightly, still keeping a close watch on their surroundings in case whatever they're tracking shows up.)_

**OWEN:** God, only a bloody Blowfish! Why they choose to keep hanging round boring old Cardiff, is anyone's guess...

**GWEN:** _(shooting OWEN a glare)  
_ Oi! What's wrong with Cardiff, exactly?

**OWEN:** Would you like an alphabetical list, or a chronological list?

**IANTO:** _(half attempting to distract both GWEN and OWEN, and half actually worried)  
_ Owen, are you sure one of those bullets didn't hit you?  
  
_(The team, including TOSH – who looks somewhat more alarmed and anxious than GWEN and IANTO – turn to look at OWEN. We notice now that his shirt is bloodstained, as he is minus his usual leather jacket.)_

**OWEN:** Of course I'm sure, I'm a bloody doctor, aren't I? Nah... this ain't my blood. Belongs to the poor sod that... that we had to leave behind.

**TOSH:** _(gently)  
_ You did all you could, Owen. We know that Blowfish can be lethal when they want to be.  
  
_(There's a moment of silence in which TOSH and OWEN's gazes are locked, OWEN's eyes having softened slightly. GWEN and IANTO exchange half-amused glances – as amused as they can be, given the situation – and GWEN clears her throat. OWEN grunts and tightens his grip on his gun as he rips his eyes away, and TOSH hurriedly refocuses on her PDA.)  
  
_ Okay, I've picked up his signal again, looks like – hang on – he's doubling back?  
  
_(She looks up at this, as if she expects to see the BLOWFISH standing in front of her. The rest of the team all raise their guns again.)_  
  
Towards us?

**GWEN:** That doesn't make any –  
  
_(But before GWEN can finish, a BLOWFISH skids into view from the left side of the stage. He has familiar red skin with fish-like features, and is also wearing a maroon suit with an orange tie – we've seen this particular BLOWFISH before. He's dragging a young blonde girl alongside him – and holding a gun to her head. OWEN, GWEN and IANTO all direct their guns at him.)_

**OWEN:** _(snarling)  
You_ again! God, I _knew_ Jack shouldn't have gone all soft and let you out of our vaults!

**BLOWFISH:** _(sneering with delight)  
_ Unfortunately, rehab didn't really help!

**OWEN:** _(in an undertone)  
_ What a surprise...

**GWEN:** Let her go – she's got nothing to do with this.

**BLOWFISH:** Oh, but I get so lonely – it's nice to have a bit of company every now and then.  
  
_(He digs the gun into the girl's head a bit deeper, and she gives a quiet sob.)_  
  
Besides, how else was I meant to get your attention?

**OWEN:** Yeah, I think killing an innocent man back there _definitely_ got our attention!

**GWEN:** _(taking a steadying breath)  
_ Let her go, and then we can talk about what you _really_ came for.

**BLOWFISH:** Ahh, but I'm not sure that we can. Where's your loveable leader?  
  
_(GWEN, TOSH and OWEN dart uncertain looks at IANTO.)_

**IANTO:** He's – not here.

**BLOWFISH:** Finally woke up and saw how pointless this little team is, then? Can't say I blame him.

**GWEN:** _(a steely note in her voice)  
_ Look, whatever it is you want –

**BLOWFISH:** I want _Jack_ , but as you don't seem to be able to help me there –  
  
_(Without warning, the BLOWFISH tosses the girl at GWEN, who catches her, quickly beckoning OWEN forwards to check for any injuries. Too quick to let anyone react further, however, the BLOWFISH raises his gun and points it straight at IANTO.)  
  
_ – I'll just have to satisfy myself with his Eye Candy, instead!  
  
_(IANTO swallows, but the gun in his hand remains steady. GWEN has her arms full with the upset girl, and OWEN appears torn between tending to her and thinking of some way to help IANTO. TOSH is still clutching her PDA, and it makes beeping noises as everyone stares at each other.)_

**TOSH:** Detecting massive levels of adrenaline, mixed with approximately three grams of – of _cocaine_. This fish is _wired_!

**BLOWFISH:** _(grinning)  
_ More fun that way!

**IANTO:** _(forcefully, albeit shakily)  
_ What do you want with Jack?

**BLOWFISH:** I owe him something...

**OWEN:** _(sarcastically)  
_ Oh, yeah? Leant you a couple hundred quid, did he? You're playing the good citizen, are you?

**BLOWFISH:** _(sneering)  
_ I owe him a bullet in the head! He murdered my brother!

**OWEN:** Good god, there's a whole family of them...  
  
_(The BLOWFISH loses his amused smirk and snarls angrily at OWEN. He takes an aggressive step towards the team, shrinking the gap between him and IANTO, who the BLOWFISH's gun is still trained on. The whole team flinches.)_

**BLOWFISH:** You think you're the perfect teacher's pets, don't you, blindly following his orders even when teacher's gone. You all think you're such heroes – but you're not! All I see is a bunch of kiddie-kids, trying to be grown up.  
  
_(The BLOWFISH turns his head to look at each team member as he mentions them, but keeps his gun trained on IANTO. The team all appear to be a tad shell-shocked, and can't do anything but stare in horror and listen to the BLOWFISH.)_  
  
We've got the doctor, splattered with the blood of yet another person he couldn't save. The carer, trying to comfort even while she can't control her oh-so-beating heart. The technician, with only her cold devices to keep her company at night. And the office boy, promoted beyond his measure for shagging the boss, then trying to fill the boss' shoes after he left!

**IANTO:** _(gritting his teeth and sounding as if he is struggling with his emotions)  
_ You _shut up_ about Jack!

**BLOWFISH:** Look at you! Lost without your master, pretending to be so brave – but you're all so scared!  
  
_(The BLOWFISH cackles now, throwing his head back for a second. IANTO twitches, his gun hand shaking for a moment, but he doesn't take the opportunity to shoot the BLOWFISH – and before he can, the BLOWFISH is lowering his head again and staring evilly at him, his gloved hands – if that's what they are! – tightening around the gun and trigger.)  
  
_ You won't shoot before I do. I can see it in your eyes. I can see _fear_ in your eyes. And you know what? You're right to be scared. Because you're about to _die_ , office boy.  
  
_(OWEN, GWEN, and TOSH all make noises of protest – GWEN and OWEN are holding their guns at the BLOWFISH, but seem unwilling to startle the BLOWFISH into actually shooting IANTO.)  
  
_ What about it, minion? Are you going to try and prove me wrong? Can you? Dare you? Would you?  
  
_(Suspenseful silence before...)  
  
Won't _ you?  
  
_(A gunshot rings out across the street – but neither the BLOWFISH nor IANTO, nor indeed GWEN or OWEN, have fired. The BLOWFISH, however, crumples to the ground, blood decorating the pavement, and IANTO jumps and whirls around. The team stare at him, before... JACK half runs, half bounces onstage.)_

**JACK:** _(grinning)  
_ Hey, kids! You miss me?  
  
_(There is a long silence, in which IANTO, TOSH, GWEN and OWEN all gape, frozen, at JACK. The young blonde who the BLOWFISH had kidnapped lets out a howling scream – sounding more terrified than earlier, if anything – and bolts offstage. JACK sighs.)  
  
_ Great – who volunteers to be on Retcon duty?  
  
_(Still, no one answers him. JACK's smug smile slips, and he blinks at them all. His eyes slide over TOSH, over GWEN and OWEN, and end up settling on IANTO, who turns to statue beneath his gaze. The girl's scream seems to have woken them up a bit though, and all of the team slip their weapons back into their holsters. JACK follows suit, and places his hands on his hips, looking slightly muddled.)_  
  
Uh, guys? I know Retcon duty isn't always the greatest, but I did just save your lives, so the least you could do is –

**GWEN:** _(suddenly interrupting furiously)  
_ You left us, Jack!

**JACK:** _(mouth hanging open)  
_ Well – yes, but come on, surely you can survive a day or two without me –

**OWEN:** A day or two?! Try over three months!

**JACK:** You – what? _  
  
(JACK swallows and looks to TOSH, perhaps hoping for some logical solution, but she glares quite uncharacteristically –_ _and scarily – back at him.)_

**TOSH:** Three months, four days, and... about six hours, if you want to be precise.

**JACK:** But... three... _three months?_

**GWEN:** Yes, three bloody months! We knew _nothing_ , Jack, nothing about when you might return, or where you were –

**JACK:** _(a tiny smile curling around his lips)  
_ I found my Doctor.

**OWEN:** _(coldly)  
_ We figured.

**JACK:** _(finally looking utterly confused)  
_ But I was only gone for a day, two at the most – and the Doctor, he said he'd drop me right off when I'd left – we accidentally landed at Telosporidia, you see, he said the TARDIS had been playing up since – ohh... right.

**TOSH:** _(with her eyebrows raised, looking pointedly at JACK)  
_ Right.

**JACK:** But I... I didn't mean to be gone so long. I...  
  
_(He shrugs helplessly.)  
  
_ I'm sorry.  
  
_(JACK's eyes return to IANTO, who still hasn't said a word, or moved a muscle, it appears. A flash of agony flies through JACK's face, and he takes a placating step towards IANTO.)_

**OWEN:** Well? Did this doctor 'fix' you, then?

**JACK:** _(with a poor attempt at his usual flirty, joking tone)  
_ What's to fix? You don't mess with this level of perfection!  
  
_(Understandably, none of the team crack a smile at this. JACK mumbles something like 'tough crowd' and shuffles his feet nervously. When he next speaks, it's in a quieter, more humble voice.)_  
  
No. He couldn't fix me.

**OWEN:** _(not particularly sympathetically)  
_ Pity! Want me to have a go? I've got a new set of scalpels that I've been itching to try out...  
  
_(JACK blanches and inches furtively away from OWEN, closer to IANTO. IANTO seems to have been steeling himself, because he now straightens and holds himself rigidly, before speaking abruptly.)_

**IANTO:** Are you going back to him?  
  
_(At this, JACK loses his focus on the other team members, eyes on IANTO, who stares right back – although he is now trembling slightly.)_

**JACK:** _(quietly)  
_ I came back for you.  
  
_(A missed beat, during which IANTO and JACK's gazes are locked onto each other. JACK clears his throat.)  
  
_ All of you.  
  
_(OWEN snorts softly, while TOSH looks sideways at IANTO in concern, and the glower GWEN is directing at JACK darkens. JACK looks wildly around at them, before hastily moving to stand a couple of feet away from IANTO.)  
  
_ Listen, I...  
  
_(JACK shoots another glance at TOSH, GWEN and OWEN, but they give no sign of leaving them or allowing them any privacy.)_  
  
How are you, Ianto?

**IANTO:** _(swallowing and looking just over JACK's shoulder)  
_ All the better for having you back, sir.

**JACK:** _(the corners of his mouth turning down)  
_ I thought we'd gotten past the 'sir' by now.

**IANTO:** _(icily)  
_ So did I, _sir_. But then, that was before you left for three months without even _leaving a note_.

**JACK:** It's not like I planned for this to happen! I mean, yeah, I _had_ always planned to go with the Doctor when he showed up, but that was before you and I – and I didn't know he'd drop me back _three months_ later – it's not like I had _time_ to write a note, the TARDIS doesn't always wait for passengers, especially unannounced ones, you know!  
  
_(IANTO glares fiercely at JACK, who looks suitably chastised.)_  
  
Sorry. That was a pretty bad apology, huh?

**IANTO:** Oh, you were _apologising_ just now?

**JACK:** _(mumbling)  
_ Something like that.  
  
_(He looks back at IANTO, a hint of desperation in his eyes.)  
  
_ Ianto, you have to listen to me. I mean, while I was away, I was thinking. I realised that Cardiff had become my home – I didn't _want_ to travel the universe with the Doctor anymore. I finally have somewhere that I belong, for maybe the first time in my life – and that's saying something.  
  
_(Music begins to play, and IANTO and the rest of the team prepare to listen to JACK's song.)_

['Unusual Way']

**JACK: [sings]**  
In a very unusual way  
Ever since I met you  
In a very unusual way  
You caught my eye  
  
Maybe I just didn't know  
Maybe I didn't want to see  
But now I can't let you go by  
  
_(JACK reaches out to close the gap between him and IANTO, placing one hand gingerly on IANTO's cheek. IANTO looks like he has stopped breathing, concealing all reaction.)  
  
_ In a very unusual way  
I think I'm in love with you  
In a very unusual way  
I feel alive...  
  
_(Removing his hand from IANTO, JACK takes a step back, into the centre of the stage, readying himself to get into the song.)  
  
_ Something inside me grows strong  
Something inside me feels at home  
And you're the reason why  
You help me survive! _  
  
_ You must know what you do to me  
You must have a clue!  
Can't you see what it's like to be me, looking at you?  
It scares me that I can belong somewhere...  
  
_(JACK holds out a hand to IANTO, suspended there for a few long moments – IANTO's expression impossible to read – before slowly, IANTO reaches out to take JACK's hand. JACK lets a hopeful smile begin to form on his face as he sings the next verse.)_  
  
In a very unusual way  
I owe you more than you'll know  
Though I admit I've not always stayed  
I will not go  
  
Special to me in my life  
Since the time I truly saw you  
How could I ever forget you  
Once you had touched my soul?  
  
_(Here, JACK sweeps around to kneel at IANTO's feet, still holding his hand.)_  
  
In a very unusual way...  
You gave me a home!  
  
_(The music drifts away into a melody, eventually melting away to silence. The look of sincerity on JACK's face is clear – but IANTO is biting his lip, his body trembling again just noticeably.)_

**IANTO:** _(weakly)  
_ I... _Jack._

**JACK:** I mean... what I'm _trying_ to say... maybe we could, you know... dinner, a movie...?

**IANTO:** _(stammering a bit)  
_ Are you a-asking me out on a date?  
  
_(JACK clears his throat and lifts his chin to look at IANTO properly.)_

**JACK:** Interested?

**IANTO:** _(coughing)  
_ Well...  
  
_(IANTO casts a furtive look over at GWEN, TOSH, and OWEN, who were all listening to JACK's song. TOSH seems to have mellowed, giving IANTO a small smile. GWEN and OWEN look less convinced, but gesture for IANTO to keep going. IANTO sighs, shaking his head, and releases JACK's hand. JACK clambers to his feet and waits for IANTO to respond. Music starts up again – a slower tune at first, but this time moving to a quicker beat.)_

['You're In Love']

**IANTO: [sings]**  
If there's a prize for blinded mistakes  
I guess I've already won that  
No man is worth the constant heartache  
That's such a waste of time  
Been there, done that!  
  
_(GWEN, TOSH and OWEN move to stand in a line, hands on hips, all facing IANTO, to join in the song.)_

**GWEN, TOSH & OWEN: [sing]**  
Who'd'you think you're kidding?  
Jack's the universe to you now  
You can't keep it hidden  
Ianto, we can see right through you  
No, you can't conceal it  
We know how you feel  
And who you're thinking of  
  
_(IANTO is shaking his head – there's no way.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
No chance, no way  
I won't say it, no, no

**GWEN, TOSH & OWEN: [sing]**  
You've moped, you've moaned  
Why deny it, uh-oh!

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I won't do this  
I won't say I'm in love  
  
_(Here, JACK takes a step forwards and opens his mouth eagerly to speak, but IANTO silences him with a firm shake of his head.)_  
  
I thought my heart had learned its lesson  
Everyone you love just leaves you  
I can't help thinking I should stop now  
Unless I'm dying to rip my heart out!

**GWEN, TOSH & OWEN: [sing]**  
You keep on denying  
Who you are and how you're feeling  
Ianto, we're not buying  
When Jack left you hit the ceiling  
Face it now or never  
Are you gonna ever  
Say you've got, got, got it bad?  
  
_(At this, IANTO can't help but let a small smile spread over his face – but he still shakes his head.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
No chance, no way  
I won't say it, no no

**GWEN, TOSH & OWEN: [sing]**  
Give up, and give in  
Check the grin, you're in love!

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I can't do this  
I won't say I'm in love

**GWEN, TOSH & OWEN: [sing]**  
You're doing flips, read our lips  
You're in love!  
  
_(GWEN, TOSH and OWEN now look thoroughly unconvinced by IANTO's protests, all grinning broadly. JACK, who has his hands buried in his greatcoat pockets, is smiling fondly at IANTO. IANTO himself is looking half amused, half exasperated.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
You are so wrong  
I won't say it  
This can't belong  
I won't say it

**GWEN, TOSH & OWEN: [sing]**  
No, don't be proud  
It's okay, you're in love

**IANTO: [sings]**  
Oh...  
At least out loud  
I won't say I'm in love...  
  
_(The song finishes, and IANTO finally meets JACK's gaze. GWEN, TOSH and OWEN all exchange knowing looks, and move to one side of the stage.)_

**JACK:** So... was that a yes?  
  
_(IANTO shakes his head again, but this time, it's not a denial.)_

**IANTO:** Yes... yes.  
  
_(With a blinding grin on his face, JACK leaps forward to IANTO and their lips finally meet in a deep kiss, JACK's hands on IANTO's waist and IANTO's arms winding around JACK's neck. OWEN wolf-whistles while the two girls beam at each other. When they break apart, JACK and IANTO share another smile before JACK squeezes his arm around IANTO's shoulder, and they turn to the rest of the team.)_

**JACK:** Right! Team – we have a mission to complete.  
  
_(JACK and OWEN pick up the dead BLOWFISH by the arms and feet. GWEN and TOSH lead the way offstage in pursuit of the girl they need to Retcon, and IANTO follows them with JACK and OWEN bringing up the rear. The stage darkens, and then colourful flashing lights burst upon the stage from every direction, fast music beginning in anticipation...)_


	22. Act III, Scene Seven/Finale

28\. **Jack Is Back:** _Finale/Reprise ( The Nightmare Before Christmas)_

29\. **Darkness Of The Dead (Reprise):** _Music Of The Night ( The Phantom Of The Opera)_

30\. **The Name On Everybody's Lips Is Gonna Be Ianto! (Reprise):** _Roxie ( Chicago)_

31\. **Jack Is Back (Reprise):** _Finale/Reprise ( The Nightmare Before Christmas)_

32\. **Jones, Ianto Jones (Reprise):** _I Know Him So Well ( Chess)_ (John Barrowman's solo version)

33\. **Day In The Life Of Torchwood (Reprise):** _Jellicle Songs For Jellicle Cats ( Cats)_

 

**SCENE SEVEN/FINALE:**  
  
_[We're back at the Hub, with everything looking cleaner, brighter. Not as dungeon-like. More like... home. The music builds as the team enters together. They move about the Hub as they sing, checking their computers, looking through paperwork on their desks, etc. JACK stands near the cogwheel entrance and looks around like he hasn't seen the place in years.]_

['Jack is Back']

**GWEN, TOSH & OWEN: [sings]**  
La la la la la la la la!  
La la la la la la la la!  
Jack's OK, and he's back, hooray  
  
_(IANTO rolls his eyes, indulging them.)_

**IANTO: [sings]  
** He's alright...

**GWEN, TOSH & OWEN: [sings]**  
Damn right!  
Celebrate  
Let's not fight  
Wheeeee!  
  
_(IANTO begrudgingly smiles and joins in.)_

**ALL (except JACK): [sings]**  
Jack is back, now everyone sing  
In this Hub of Torchwood...  
  
_(The music softens into the background, and JACK shakes his head, amused, finally making his way into the middle of the Hub.)_

**JACK:** Hey, have you redecorated in here?

**IANTO:** Yes, as a matter of fact, and you'll do well not to make a mess of it on your first day back.  
  
_(JACK tries to subtly put his arms around IANTO's waist, who raises an eyebrow and neatly sidesteps him, a smirk on his face._

**JACK:** _(purring)  
_ With what I've got in mind, I can't make any promises...

**OWEN:** Christ, Jack's only been back five minutes and you sods can't even keep it in your pants...

**GWEN:** Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black, Owen?

**OWEN:** _(without thinking)_  
Me and Tosh are more professional than that, actually!  
  
_(OWEN realises what he's said at the same time as everyone else. He coughs, and actually blushes. Even JACK is distracted from his efforts to snag IANTO.)_

**OWEN:** Well? What are you all staring at?  
  
_(OWEN himself is looking anywhere but TOSH, who also coughs, drawing the team's attention to her instead.)_

**TOSH:** I... asked Owen out on date a few weeks ago. A drink, a game of pool. And he said yes. Er, obviously. We're... kind of seeing each other. It's not a big deal.  
  
_(Judging by the undeniable smile on TOSH's face, it is, in fact, a big deal.)_

**OWEN:** _(interjecting)  
_ I'm going to keep flirting with people, mind you! I can't help it if I'm good at it.

**TOSH:** _(smile softening)_  
You can be king of flirts.  
  
_(TOSH and OWEN both smile dopily at each other for a few moments, the rest of the team watching them. Then...)_

**JACK, IANTO & GWEN: **_(simultaneously)_  
About bloody time!  
  
_(TOSH and OWEN both jump, and turn their attention back to the team. Now it's GWEN's turn to fidget, specifically with a certain ring finger.)_

**GWEN:** While we're on the subject...  
  
_(GWEN takes a few cautious steps over to JACK. JACK frowns, looking at her.)_  
  
While you were away... Rhys and I got engaged!  
  
_(JACK's mouth falls open, and he stands in stunned silence until a grin takes over his face.)_

**JACK:** Congratulations, Gwen! Rhys is... one lucky man.  
  
_(A less manic, but more genuine smile.)_  
  
I'm happy for you.

**GWEN:** _(whispers)_  
Thank you, Jack. I'm happy for me too.  
  
_(IANTO clears his throat to break the silence.)_

**IANTO:** Well. That Blowfish isn't going to drag itself into the morgue. Give me a hand, Owen?

**OWEN:** Only if you make us a cuppa afterwards...

**GWEN:** Tosh, can you please get started on the report? I've got to let the Police know we've handled it.

**TOSH:** I'll get right on it - just have to check the Archives for our last report on our delightful 'friend'.  
  
_(The music grows louder again, and the song restarts. The team move around the Hub, getting ready to complete their tasks, except JACK, who slowly walks around, marvelling at the place he wasn't sure he'd ever see again. JACK sings as if to himself.)_

**JACK: [sings]**  
I'm back, I'm back  
I've no more need to roam!  
I'm back  
The Hub is my true home  
I'm back  
It's like it's been an age  
I'm back  
It's really very strange

**ALL (except JACK): [sings]**  
This is Torchwood!  
Torchwood! Torchwood! Torchwood!

**JACK: [sings]  
** I'm back, I'm back

**ALL (except JACK): [sings]  
** He's back, he's back

**JACK: [sings]  
** I'm back, I'm back

**ALL (except JACK): [sings]**  
He's back, he's back...  
_  
(The team begin to head offstage, one by one. IANTO is the last to leave - he glances back at JACK before he disappears, as if to make sure JACK is still there.)_

**JACK:** I really am home.  
  
_(Familiar music begins for JACK's song reprise.)_

['Darkness of the Dead: Reprise']

**JACK:** **[sings]**  
Brightness greets you  
Lights up life around you  
Colours glisten  
Blind me with their splendour  
  
Now I can break free  
From the hold death has on me  
I can break free from  
The pain that I have felt  
I'm conquering the darkness of the dead  
  
It's Ianto that makes me feel this way  
We've beaten the darkness of the dead!  
  
_(The song fades as IANTO re-enters the Hub. IANTO hesitates, not sure whether he's ready to be alone with JACK, but takes a deep breath. BOTH remain on opposite sides of the stage.)_

**IANTO:** Are you... okay, Jack?

**JACK:** _(smiling softly)  
_ Yeah. I am.

**IANTO:** _(whispers)  
_ That's... good.

**JACK:** So about that date -

**IANTO:** Er - now's not really the time -

**JACK:** I want to make this work, Ianto. I'll do everything to make it right between us.

**IANTO:** Sir -

**JACK:** I'm serious, Ianto. I... I love you.  
  
_(IANTO is rendered speechless, and a familiar jazzy beat starts up.)_

['The Name On Everybody's Lips Is Gonna Be Ianto!: Reprise']

**JACK: [sings]**  
The name that will be on my lips  
forever is... Ianto!  
  
_(JACK begins to click his finger and dance his way across the stage towards IANTO.)_  
  
The only man I want to kiss  
\- and then some more! - Ianto!  
  
I'm gonna turn on the charm for you  
That means sifting through every last trick!  
I'm gonna use my pheromones  
My hair, my eyes, my grin, my - _quick wits_!  
  
_(IANTO facepalms at the intended rhyming innuendo, probably to hide the blush on his cheeks. JACK is undeterred and continues trying to seduce IANTO with his song.)_  
  
I'm giving up my TARDIS dream  
I'm here with you, Ianto!  
Who says that I can't fall in love?  
  
And yes, I know I'm screwed - both ways!  
But I'll love you for all my days...  
Ianto Jones!  
  
_(The song finishes with a few snazzy beats which ends with JACK on his knees in front of IANTO with his arms open wide, not unlike OWEN had posed after singing his version of the song. IANTO is fighting a grin.)_

**IANTO:** I appreciate that sir, thanks.  
  
_(A look of horror crosses over JACK's face.)_

**JACK:** But - Ianto! - I just told you that I -

**IANTO:** \- I love you too.  
  
_(A beat.)_

**JACK:** Oh, thank god.  
  
_(Soft music plays, and JACK stands up, now only inches away from IANTO.)_

['Jack is Back: Reprise']

**JACK: [sings]**  
My dearest Ianto... you know it's true  
I think this is well overdue  
Three months, for you, to be exact  
  
_(IANTO and JACK creep closer to each other, so that their noses are almost brushing.)_

**IANTO & JACK: [sing]**  
We'll be together, as long as ever  
For it is plain as anyone can see  
We're simply meant to be  
  
_(Finally, JACK and IANTO kiss, as the music swells dramatically, and then fades into a beautiful, slow piano finish. They eventually break apart.)_

**IANTO:** _(breathless)  
_ Don't think I'll ever get used to that.

**JACK:** _(equally breathless)  
_ Good.

**IANTO:** The others will be back soon... why don't you head up to your office, and I'll make some coffee?

**JACK:** Ianto and coffee in my office... sounds like a match made in heaven!  
  
_(JACK gives IANTO one more quick kiss before bounding up the spiral staircase to his office. JACK sits at his desk, half-heartedly looking through paperwork, but the audience's focus is on IANTO. The lights in the Hub dim until the main source of light follows IANTO to the coffee machine, where he is once again making coffee for the team - his team.)_

['Jones, Ianto Jones: Reprise']

**IANTO: [sings]**  
I'm Jones, Ianto Jones, and I am Torchwood  
I know this is where I'm supposed to be  
I've found my place within this team of ours  
It's not just to make coffee and tea  
  
Looking back, things could have turned out differently  
I've had my share of pain and heart break  
But it took time to become who I am  
Now at least, I know that I'm not fake  
  
Didn't it hurt...?  
Wasn't it hard...?  
Now that I've ended  
up being scarred?  
  
But in the end it seems  
Everything was worth it  
Worth taking all the hits  
  
I have done so well!  
  
_(IANTO pours coffee into five mugs, and gets them ready on a tray. As he sings, he walks around distributing GWEN's, TOSH's and OWEN's mugs to their empty desks.)_  
  
After Lisa, I thought I would leave this place  
Make a fresh start somewhere far from here  
But somehow Torchwood's always been my home  
That fact, I see now, is crystal clear  
  
Now I see the team actually needs me  
My job is important, I've got lots to give  
And not to mention, now that Jack is back  
I have so many reasons to live  
  
Wasn't it tough...?  
Didn't I bleed...?  
It was all worth being  
finally freed  
  
Now I can see  
How it will be  
With Jack back by my side  
I, I will never have to hide!  
  
Now I can see!  
  
_(IANTO begins walking up the spiral staircase towards JACK's office, with only two coffee mugs left.)_  
  
But in the end it seems  
Everything was worth it  
Worth taking all the hits  
  
I have done so well!  
  
It took time to become who I am  
But I have done so well!  
  
_(Song ends, and the stage lights lift. IANTO reaches up to knock on JACK's door, but just as he is about to do so, an alarm sounds from TOSH's rift monitor.)_

**JACK:** _(leaping up from his desk excitedly)_  
Yes! Rift activity!  
  
_(He bounds out of his office, almost colliding with IANTO.)_

**IANTO:** _(dryly)  
_ No need to sound too happy about it.

**JACK:** Come on, Ianto... it's just what we do.  
  
_(The first notes of 'Day In The Life Of Torchwood' are played. As each sings their first line, TOSH, OWEN & GWEN arrive on stage one by one.)_

['Day In The Life Of Torchwood: Reprise']

**TOSH: [sings]  
** Running 'round in the dark, waking up before dawn

**OWEN: [sings]**  
Eternally tracking all that the Rift sends us

**GWEN: [sings]**  
It's not pretty work – our clothes even get torn  
  
_(JACK runs down the spiral staircase.)_

**JACK: [sings]**  
Well, what's wrong with that? Can't you see it's a plus?  
  
_(IANTO, rolling his eyes, abandons his tray of coffees, and sings the chorus.)_

**IANTO: [sings]**  
Because that's who we are, and that's what we do  
It's our job to protect all of you  
Oh yes we protect you all through and through  
That is just who we are, what we do!

**TOSH: [sings]  
** The big question is Why? I'm not sure that I know

**OWEN:** **[sings]  
** Chasing aliens 'round Cardiff? How could it not be _fun_?!

**GWEN: [sings]  
** And when we can't find them? Oh, we search high and low

**JACK: [sings]**  
But if they find you first, you must be ready to run!  
  
_(IANTO joins the team down on the ground floor, and ALL move to the front of the stage.)_

**ALL: [sings]**  
Because that's who we are, and that's what we do  
Most of you don't even have a clue  
Don't even know that you need a rescue  
If you did, you would think it's untrue  
That is just who we are, what we do!  
  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
That's who we are, and that's what we do  
We are Torchwood, yes we are Torchwood!  
  
_(Song ends with ALL striking poses in front of the audience. The curtain falls, and cue the audience's applause. The song's melody continues as the curtain rises again. The stage is empty, and one by one, each actor runs onstage to take a bow. The two MARA-FAIRIES, two VILLAGERS, the CHIEF VILLAGER (is that a boo from the audience?), six blue ALIENS, MAJOR ZOAN (taking his time, of course), the BLOWFISH (winking cheekily), LISA, THE DOCTOR, GWEN, OWEN, TOSH, JACK, and finally... IANTO. ALL of the cast join hands and take a final bow, and the curtain falls for the last time. The orchestra plays out the song as the house lights lift.)_

**THE END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All done! :) Hope you enjoyed all the craziness, and had as much fun reading it as I did writing it :) In case you missed it, here's [the YouTube playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLagDVCsFcEpIY_3WGgqm5j-J9ZenVW5WK) I made of the songs/versions I used, in case you want to go back and listen and sing along. Thank you for reading! :D


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